This morning I am missing the closeness, or illusion of it, that I had with H.
Had a problem with the deposit to our account that he made to pay our bills. It was the first time that he had made the deposit himself since I had asked him to do it (instead of me picking up a check)and when I told him, he was very down on himself. He kept saying it was his fault (it was actually the banks). I just wanted to hug him and take care of it myself.
The ability to just chat, especially with my new knowledge of how to back off and let him talk, is what I'm missing. I know one way or the other, it will get easier...it already has in many ways. It is getting easier for me to be alone at home. I'm finding that balance between having my own social life and my alone time and what to do in it to fill the holes of H's absence. But I still hope that we can turn this around.
I know I'm supposed to detach and do things for me...I'm getting there. I can actually see that if I had to, I would be okay without him. But its not what I want.
I want my friend back. Not just the man that I lived with and thought of as H, but the friend I used to have fun with, share secrets with, dream dreams with. I am finding the old me and, in the process, creating a new me. I have friends of my own, activities and interests of my own, and have revisited some activities that we have in common. I know he is seeing this, but I'm impatient for him to see more. But I also know that that isn't how it works.
I keep thinking of that scene in "Bambi", where all of the animals are hiding and trying to be still while "man" (the hunters) are in the area. There was a bird that started to panic and all of the birds around her kept telling her to be still and stay quiet. But then her flight instinct is too strong. She panics and flies into the air...and is shot. Game over. That panic feeling is sometimes what I feel when I think too hard about H and my wanting to talk about R.
Anyway, just something to try to control in myself...can't control him.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
