annab, what do you think made him have second thoughts?
Even though, we had already lived apart for over a year with minimal contact, he said it didn't feel real until we signed the papers. The whole time I was fighting to bring him home, he wanted nothing to do with me. When I conceded defeat and began to cooperate with the D, things started to change. As long as I was fighting to keep him from what he wanted (the D), it kept him distracted from his own feelings about the loss of our M. When I stopped standing in the way, he finally had to face the reality of what we were doing.
I think it takes the D sometimes to snap them out of it. None of it is really real to them as long as they know we're a guarantee in their lives. I spent 18 months being a guarantee to my WW while she couldn't decide about her future. Finally I had enough and I was the one who filed for D. Her whole attitude toward everything changed in an instant when I did that. The reality of us dissolving permanently hit home, FINALLY. I'm not one of those people who can divorce and then start up again with an ex later. If we're done then we're done forever. Everything changed when I filed for D. She came to me broken and begged for us to not get a D and to try again. At that point I didn't want to. I went from pursuer to pursued.
I think honestly that we have to get to that point to know where we really stand. When they're waffling about not knowing what they want and can't decide, they're doing that from a position of knowing that they're still married and can always fall back on that. They're working with a safety net. You. When you remove that safety net, say I'm done, I'm out, have a nice life then they really really REALLY have to do some soul searching. It's in that make or break moment that they're forced to make that decision. Some are thrilled by the prospect of D, gladly accept it, and move on. If that happens then so be it. Others, like my wife, realize that's not what they ever wanted, they were just unsure of who they were and almost destroyed the best parts of their lives while trying to figure that out.
I think the key is that you have to be willing to say "I'm done, let's get a divorce" and really mean it for it to sink into them. I'm a different person today. I've gone from "please choose us, I can't live without you, I NEED you" to "well, I WANT you, but I don't need you, you can walk whenever you want, I'll be fine." That position has given me way more peace of mind. I will never again in my life become that dependent on another person for my happiness, security, peace of mind. I can provide all those things to me, all by myself.
I know those words seem impossible to a lot of people stuck where I was a couple years ago but it can be done. You don't NEED anyone else in your life. You may WANT them really badly but you don't NEED them. There are no such things as soul mates. Just people who love each other and then sometimes don't. Life goes on.
