The way I think about it, BD sets the two partners at the head of two separate paths. Each partner then has to walk down their path. It will take whatever time and distance it takes. You cant see the end of the path until you get there. And theres really nothing you can do to guide or steer the other person down their path.

Thats what I see you trying to do. By having all of these deep, mutual introspective discussions. By crying together. By setting arbitrary deadlines. It's all trying to control her to get to the end of her path more quickly. Unfortunately, it just doesnt work that way.

Let's play this forward. Let's say you set a deadline of three weeks for her to do "X, Y, and Z". She wants to stay married (we think) and so, she does X , Y, and Z. And for the following six months, sdhe continues to do them. Then, she starts doing them at 75%, then 50%, until shes right back where she is today.

If she makes changes for YOU, then they wont stick. She has to get the self motivation to make these changes or they will just be temporary. And then where will you be? Right. Back. Here. Probably after OM2.

In my opinion, the whole point of DR is to figure out positive buttons that you can push in her to help breed the desire within her to change. Looking for new ways to act, react, and interact to result in different and improved behaviors out of her. You doing the same things over and over is not going to get a different result. What are YOU going to do differently?

That said, if you want to put a deadline of a few weeks, then fine. Do it. But as Z said, you may as well file for divorce now.

Originally Posted By: JGuy
I agree that way too many people give up way too easily on a M as soon as it gets difficult. They fail to see how their childhood issues are contributing to the problems and they blame it all on their spouse. They leave, go find someone new who seems different in all the right ways, then end up repeating their failure again. That's exactly what my W is on the verge of doing with me.

It sounds to me like you are on the verge of doing the exact same thing to your W.