WAW - Detaching is the Hardest Thing

[isittoolate]

Funeral Day.

On the drive to MIL house , W was quiet and a little emotional and distant. She was back late from a night out on Wednesday and didn't sleep well.

I let her initiate talk and she talked about her work more than she has done for a few weeks. I listened and congratulated her on some work she is proud of.

Once there, we had lunch with MIL and two friends then got ready for funeral. Service was in Baptist church and I was expected/detailed to look after MIL.  To give MIL a shoulder/arm to lean on rather than W. This had been mentioned by W a few weeks ago. W and SIL were giving readings/speech and were more concerned with getting through it without breaking down. - wearing Their big girl pants which is SILs new catchphrase. In fact all day W was trying very hard to be 'brave' and not get too emotional.

Later during  the wake W and SIL just wanted to relax with a few drinks and get slowly drunk. I chatted with family friends and family. W was distant from me but later after a few drinks chatted to me and joked with me.

On car journey home, being a little drunk, W opened up. She lamented not being able to cry and let it out and having to wear her big girl pants. She vented I validated and listened.

W also brought up the subject of her Father and forgiveness and how she only realised she loved him 3 weeks before his death and how she has big regrets over that and how she will have to get over it. All resentment to her father is gone and now she acknowledges how similar they are in looks and character - something she hated to acknowledge before.

She talked about how they fell out over a petty argument for over 4 months, and how she had to grovel and beg forgiveness over the phone before her father would talk to her again. (My interpretation - he had to reinstate his authority in his household to let her back in. He and she knew about the abuse - she could expose him or threaten to expose him. Subconsciously she had something over him and he needed to come down hard on her - he always was harder on W than SIL.)

All this was just before I met W 15 years ago. After that incident ,W was resentful of him and their relationship was never the same. She even said to herself if MIL dies first, at least she would never have to see her Father again. 

There was no mention of us or snooping or R talk or any of the trauma between us over the last few weeks. No talk of the future.

Later SIL texted me to thank me for looking after MIL and for being so 'lovely'. All her family and family friends seem to like me. 

W wore her wedding ring for the day. She doesn't want her family to know yet? But she hasn't worn it today

Tonight W will be back a little late from work and then she is going out to a friends house on Sat evening. I will be flying to Greece on Sunday to work from Monday to Thursday night. Yesterday I found out I will be working with a new young, pretty , female Polish colleague for the week staying in the same hotel - think I might mention it in passing to W