Friday - work then a night out drinking with friends. W offered to drive me to my GAL activity which was nice. W also cooked my meal.
Sat - W and kids went to MIL mid afternoon and stayed overnight.I busied myself with some housework, and chilled watching TV.
Sun - I went cycling with the club all morning 52 miles in 38F - quite cold for these parts. I'm so glad I got motivated and out of bed at 7am to do this GAL. It took some effort but made me feel good.
Mid afternoon W and kids return.
So what of W? W doesn't seem resentful, or disrespectful, just a little distant. She has talked about arrangement for work and the kids for the next week, a little about MIL's health and how being in FIL's home was hard, emotional , and tiring as W was constantly reminded of her loss. Lots of emotional triggers in MIL's home.
Tonight W asked if I want to watch a movie - I said ok.
We are on the countdown to the funeral, after which I fully expect W to initiate the next R talk. I don't want to go there.
My objective is to GAL, have fun with the kids, and to detach as much as possible in an Inhouse separation. W is working late Monday, going out with colleagues on Wed, funeral Thursday, then I fly to Greece next Sunday. I am not snooping and finding detaching a lot easier.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Good for you, Is! I stopped snooping a while back, and it has made my life so much more peaceful and calm. Every time I did, I saw something that upset me, and it finally hit me...the only person I was hurting was me! Why would I keep doing that? I'm no masochist! So I stopped, and I am so happy that I did.
It sounds like you had a pleasant weekend, which had to have been quite nice. Hopefully, W won't initiate a R talk until after you get back from Greece.
I know I said this before, but...Greece! Oh! I am so envious right now. Will you have time to take walks, relax? I think I'd love to visit, but some show I watched said Greek men are a bit forward - I'm pretty sure I would be extremely uncomfortable, considering my background...yet another area I will be working on. I'm not sure I'll ever get to the point I like being around forward men, but it would be nice to not have the instinct to flee and hide! It would make sightseeing far more enjoyable.
I wish I could see pictures... One of these days, I guess.
You're doing a great job. Just keep doing what you're doing.
I will be on the mainland of Greece, a port with an old city, and harbour. I just checked the forecast and the weather looks cold with possible snow! Not what you expect in Greece!
I will get a little time to chill in the evening, probably go running along the seafront. I am in a 5 star hotel which is great - they are much cheaper in January!
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
For me: I continue to GAL and have switched back onto work which I have neglected a little over the last few months. It helps take my mind off things.
I have 'booked' another two nights out, a birthday meal with friends from running club, and a 'quiz night' at S8 school with other parents in teams. I have also addressed some financial issues, cutting back on some expenditure to balance my monthly budget. My spending spree on clothes for myself and Xmas have left me a little overdrawn. Time to sort that out.
I have requested to be an adult volunteer for the local scouts group that S11 is in.last night I played board games with the kids which was nice. Sometimes it's difficult to get them off electronic games, when I succeed, they love the QT with the me or W.
What about W? W was down on Sunday evening and most of Monday. She had a lot of emotional triggers at FIlLs house last weekend.
W is not resentful, rebellious or disrespectful to me, she was a little distant on sun, Mon but yesterday evening and this morning was back to her old self, chatty, asking me about my gym workout, talking about her nephews, and a little drama she had getting a puncture on her way to work.
Each day she is more engaging with me. I continue NOT to snoop and maybe I'm giving off subconscious vibes that the snooping is over. We are more relaxed with each other.
The funeral is tomorrow and we will drive to it and back home. 3 hours with just us in the car. There will be no R talk, but this is the first time we will be so long in the car without kids since BD.
I have told her my work and social diary for the next 3/4 weeks, so the limbo will continue.
Am I detaching? Yes, more than any other time since BD. am I totally detached? No. I am sleeping better, have less need to post here, less anxious, less bouts of internal anger as to how she can do this to me and our family. I think more about what I want to do, and less about how my actions and interactions affect W and her mood.
Next post after the funeral tomorrow evening.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
One last thought. W still brings me tea in bed , when she gets up and knows I am awake but in bed. She said in was great that I was volunteering for the scouts and continues to notice the better interactions between me and the kids.
Her two big gifts for me at Xmas had to go back to the shops as they were the wrong size, she has got replacements and gave them to me on Sat and Mon, wrapped in Xmas paper. All good
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
On the drive to MIL house , W was quiet and a little emotional and distant. She was back late from a night out on Wednesday and didn't sleep well.
I let her initiate talk and she talked about her work more than she has done for a few weeks. I listened and congratulated her on some work she is proud of.
Once there, we had lunch with MIL and two friends then got ready for funeral. Service was in Baptist church and I was expected/detailed to look after MIL. To give MIL a shoulder/arm to lean on rather than W. This had been mentioned by W a few weeks ago. W and SIL were giving readings/speech and were more concerned with getting through it without breaking down. - wearing Their big girl pants which is SILs new catchphrase. In fact all day W was trying very hard to be 'brave' and not get too emotional.
Later during the wake W and SIL just wanted to relax with a few drinks and get slowly drunk. I chatted with family friends and family. W was distant from me but later after a few drinks chatted to me and joked with me.
On car journey home, being a little drunk, W opened up. She lamented not being able to cry and let it out and having to wear her big girl pants. She vented I validated and listened.
W also brought up the subject of her Father and forgiveness and how she only realised she loved him 3 weeks before his death and how she has big regrets over that and how she will have to get over it. All resentment to her father is gone and now she acknowledges how similar they are in looks and character - something she hated to acknowledge before.
She talked about how they fell out over a petty argument for over 4 months, and how she had to grovel and beg forgiveness over the phone before her father would talk to her again. (My interpretation - he had to reinstate his authority in his household to let her back in. He and she knew about the abuse - she could expose him or threaten to expose him. Subconsciously she had something over him and he needed to come down hard on her - he always was harder on W than SIL.)
All this was just before I met W 15 years ago. After that incident ,W was resentful of him and their relationship was never the same. She even said to herself if MIL dies first, at least she would never have to see her Father again.
There was no mention of us or snooping or R talk or any of the trauma between us over the last few weeks. No talk of the future.
Later SIL texted me to thank me for looking after MIL and for being so 'lovely'. All her family and family friends seem to like me.
W wore her wedding ring for the day. She doesn't want her family to know yet? But she hasn't worn it today
Tonight W will be back a little late from work and then she is going out to a friends house on Sat evening. I will be flying to Greece on Sunday to work from Monday to Thursday night. Yesterday I found out I will be working with a new young, pretty , female Polish colleague for the week staying in the same hotel - think I might mention it in passing to W
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Is - I'm proud of you! This detaching business is hard work. It sounds like you're gaining a tiny bit of ground on that one. Let's see how you do in Greece. I realized I was detaching when I went hours without thinking about H. I also stopped crying everyday. I did cry a bit yesterday, but it was less about H, and more about the many ways my life is changing that I never wanted.
When I talk to him these days, I listen, I validate - but I don't believe much of what he says if it's about anything he is "feeling". He's now going on in this friendly fashion about what a wonderful person I am, and how he wants me to stay in his life.
To avoid an argument, I generally nod and smile - but I have no intention of keeping him an active part of my life! How could I? He lies as easily as he breathes. Unless I'm mistaken, too, from a male point of view - it sounds an awful lot like keeping me on the hook as his Plan B, in case he doesn't find the happiness he is seeking with a string of new OW.
I'm not sure how I feel about that - other than hugely hurt. I think he needs to feel the loss of me. As in, "she's gone - you lost her." Agree?
I hope you have a marvelous time in Greece. You already know how very jealous I am about it. Be sure and take pictures on your phone with you and the coworker. Why mention it before? Show her when you get back. <evil snicker>
Hi Anc - I'm also sleeping better which helps a lot.
Think I will upload a picture of me and pretty co-worker on FB lol! A selfie of us having dinner
It sounds like yr H is only interested in you as a plan B. His happiness? Not sure he wants to be happy, he just wants no responsibility for his actions, and the 'freedom' to screw around.
I call it Peter Pan syndrome - some men just don't want to grow up.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
W looked like she was chewing a wasp this evening. I offered to pick her up from the railway station, saving her a 20 min walk in the cold. She accepted but hardly said a word in the car or later at home.
She went to bed at 9:50 and I asked if I had done so teething wrong or was she just down (after funeral yesterday). She said fed up, down , and tired.
I can see this continuing. She feels trapped. I won't leave the house, I won't separate. The funeral is over, she is trapped with a man she doesn't love.
So what do I say when the next R talk is initiated by her??
W: I can't live like this any longer, I don't love you, we need to move on, I want us to separate. We can't live in this limbo forever. I don't want to hate you but I feel trapped. I will end up resenting you. Me:???????
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
