Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

Zeus, are you feeling angry that you wasted your effort on me? I get the sense you may be feeling that way. I want you to know I do appreciate all the effort you've put into being there for me. I don't always agree that the advice really fits for me but even so, none of it is a waste, even if I do decide to give up on my W. I am learning about what's true for me, and all of this is helping me get there.

I too believe in the sacredness of M. I agree that way too many people give up way too easily on a M as soon as it gets difficult. They fail to see how their childhood issues are contributing to the problems and they blame it all on their spouse. They leave, go find someone new who seems different in all the right ways, then end up repeating their failure again. That's exactly what my W is on the verge of doing with me. I have been through three long term relationships before I was married and I have learned this from first hand experience so I know what you are talking about. You are preaching to the choir.

But what is a person to do when despite their best efforts, their spouse is completely absent and not participating in the R? They have done everything they can to be willing to forgive, be patient, communicate their needs respectfully as a request and not a demand, etc, and their spouse still doesn't respond or make any effort to grow in the ways that the R requires of them? You can detach, GAL, work on yourself in isolation, but all of us ultimately need a partner who is engaged and whom they can grow with together. If this need is not fulfilled and the partner won't budge despite your best efforts to change what you can about yourself, then is it really honoring the higher purpose of life to remain unhappy by staying in the miserable M? How long does one keep trying before enough is enough? I'd say this is a very personal choice...

It's important that I explore this question for myself. I am facing my own ambivalence and it's important to me that I explore the full range of options. I guess what I'm doing here is mapping out what my own beliefs are. I'm figuring it out. I do believe it's OK to choose divorce if I have tried everything I can for "long enough" and my W is consistently stuck and not making any progress. I cannot conclude that yet.