Late to the game-2

[Free]

Tx, I agree with that philosophy. If I had known about A sooner, maybe blowing it up would have helped. I only found out about it last week. It's too late now for many reasons. Mostly, because W is filing soon. Partly, because I can't imagine ever wanting to be near her again.
There is something that crossed my mind tonight. I'll throw it out there if anyone wants to comment.
When BD occurred, W was insistent that we both needed help for our issues separately before we could work on our M. I agreed with this at the time. Early on, she was supportive in finding therapist and seemed interested in how it was going. Then, her interest in the therapist sessions suddenly stopped. It was at that point where she could no longer look me in the eyes when speaking to me. I mean she would look away and seemingly talk to the wall while I was standing right in front of her. I never figured out why, until tonight. I think that is when the A started. I think that the fact that she could not look me in the eyes was pure guilt over what she had begun and her hatred of me for causing her to do it.
When I came home today, W was standing near the front door. I could not look at her. I looked away and walked by her without a word. I didn't mean to do this purposely, it just happened.
I think the reason I reacted that way is because I now hate her.
I hate what she has done, I hate the choices she has made, and I hate that she is in the same home that I am in as I type this. I hate that since BD, I did everything I possibly could to learn and correct the issues that bothered her, with zero response or interest from her. I hate the fact that I cannot sleep or eat. I hate the fact that I had to pay someone to find out that my W had sex with OM today.
And most of all, I hate that my kids have been watching all of this play out for 8 months and neither myself or my W have spoken about it to them. We all just go to bed every night, quietly suffering in different rooms.
Tx, you might be right that she doesn't know what she wants.
I know what I want now.
I want to hurt her emotionally and financially to the fullest extent that the law will allow. I want my children to have a parent that they can respect and i want them to know that I tried my best to keep our family together.
I want to be able to sleep more than 2 ambien induced hours in a row and eat without throwing up.
I want this divorce.