I'm sitting here thinking of before and during the start of his A. How I always took his word for things. I was my own person as well as a part of the "we" that we were. So if I had a concern I would ask and be satisfied with his answer and go about things.
Then I found out and never once since have I been able to believe a word he says. And even if I eventually find out he was being truthful it usually comes on the heels of finding out he was untruthful about 5 other things. So it's a cycle of horror
I don't know how to get back to who I was before. And even though he is completely against transparency he craves being trusted by me.
He said he wants us to be able to enjoy spending time together, alone and with the kids. That he can't take the fighting anymore
I can't either. It's killing me. I would like to be at a place mentally and emotionally that I can spend time with him and not harp about his phone and enjoy the moment with zero expectations.
But I'm nowhere near that.
And I just want space and time. Today has been filled with sweet texts and even a little reflection from him. I replied to some but not all. Seems like he is scared of giving me what he said he wanted all along. Us apart. Space and time to think.
I don't know. I feel lost. If I walk away I want to know I did actually try. Not just say I tried. But WAW seems so much easier at times. A clean slate. Eventually someone new who didn't cheat on me and hurt me.
Rain, I'm so sorry you're feeling defeated tonight. There is no easy way out of these situations. Why did the sweet texts drag you down?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I think I get it now. It's confusing to be in the place you're in when you can't believe what's true and what's not. I'm so sorry. I lived the rollercoaster for 2 months and it was hell. The before and the after haunt me, but less and less. At first I couldn't believe my world was crashing down. Then she went back and forth, trying to decide between us. I was a chump. I tried to be the person she'd be a fool to leave. I didn't yell or get angry (much). I tried to laugh. I tried to be patient. I stayed with a friend for a while, then I came back home. I've been very passive through all this, trying to give her space.
Then she chose the AP. Then she called to tell me that she has major concerns about the AP. WTH was that about? At first I was hopeful, then angry. Who is she to share that with me four days before the deadline she imposed on me to leave our home.
These are tough times for us all. I don't think it's easier to be a WAW. But if you choose that, I know you will have tried everything else there is.
Stay strong.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Rain- I came across something I had previously found meaningful in my own situation. It's kind of long, but I think it's a really good read. I wanted to share it with you...
**
You wrote: “There has been ABSOLUTELY NO TRUST in our relationship in years.”
My insight: All relationships are based on trust. If you don’t trust a person, you can’t be intimate with them. If they don’t trust you, they can’t be intimate with you.
So, if you’re in a “relationship” where there’s no trust, then you have NO relationship. What you have is more of an “acquaintanceship” — two people going through the “motions” of a relationship, but without the real “emotions” of a relationship.
Like love, trust is a gift.
It’s given from the worthy to the worthy. If there’s been no “trust” in your relationship, then there’s been NO relationship for years. So, before you can even think about what to do next…
…you have to deal with what’s happening inside NOW.
Today, you’re feeling the effects of all those years of mistrust, hurt, anger, resentment and pain. Along the way, you’ve hurt each other. You’ve disappointed each other and let each other down.
It’s not really important how it all started. It’s only important to learn how to end it.
How do you move forward with all these layers of complications, twists, turns, scandals, drama and history between the both of you?
Here’s your remedy: It’s called true forgiveness.
Why is forgiveness the answer to ALL your problems? Because it alone frees you from the pain and suffering his previous actions brought on.
Notice: The quality of forgiveness I’m referring to is not the kind most people have come to understand. In fact, many of us are confused about true forgiveness.
About True Forgiveness
True forgiveness is based on the original Aramaic meaning of the word “to cancel.” When you truly forgive someone, you cancel AND release all past wrongs against you. You let go. You move on. YOU are transformed. THIS IS THE REAL MIRACLE — a total transformation INSIDE OF YOU!
It’s not that forgiveness will “right” a wrong of the past. It goes one step beyond that and frees you of the past, thereby transforming your future.
You should note:
The purpose of forgiveness is to heal you — not him… and not the relationship. It’s the medicine for your hurt. It’s the salve for your wounds. Just like any other medicine, no one can take it for you. Forgiveness is something you have to do for yourself.
Next.
You wrote: “Honestly, I don’t think I have been in love with him for years, I feel like he destroyed that a long time ago.”
Ask yourself this question: Would you be able to love him if the past were suddenly wiped clean? Because that’s what forgiveness does — it wipes the slate clean. So right now, as you sit reading this, ask yourself: Who would you be in your marriage IF the past were wiped clean?
Finally, you asked: “Do you think there’s a chance he will stop cheating?”
You know the answer to this question better than I do. So, let me rephrase the question a bit:
What you really want to know is… Is this a compulsive habit? Will he always cheat, no matter what?
Underneath that question is another question:
Is there any way I can make him change his cheating behavior and guarantee he stops?
And underneath that question is the reality: FEAR.
I can’t control him. I can’t change him. And this makes me afraid.
Marie, welcome to the reality of relationships.
You’ve just uncovered some of the deepest, darkest fears that we human beings carry around with us. When it comes to those we love, our loving them is NOT enough to change them, control them or make them love us back.
Now, back to your question: Is there a chance he will stop cheating? Of course, there’s always a chance. People change everyday — babies become toddlers, teenagers become adults, alcoholics become sober, and drug users go clean. It’s not up to you or me to put any limits on what a human being can do once they truly want to do it.
And therein lies the dilemma.
It’s never a matter of “can” he change. It’s simply a matter of IS he motivated to learn?
What do I mean by “motivated to learn”?
Well, in my opinion, I believe serial cheating comes mainly out of immaturity. So, it’s not so much about “change” as it is about “growth” — and for people to grow, they have to be willing to learn.
He has to be willing to look at his behavior and find out what’s driving it. He has to become willing to look inside and face himself. This is of course the scariest thing for people to do. To look within. To learn about ourselves. And yet, this is the only way we grow.
So, a better question is this:
Would he be willing to learn how to live within his own integrity and find ways to get all the love he wants honestly? Would he be willing to learn what it means to have what you want, and want what you have? Would he be willing to learn how to love himself (and others) in ways that perfectly match his desires and harm no one? Those are questions only he can answer. It’s not up to you. You can’t save him. You can’t force him to grow. You can’t change him.
What can you do?
You can love him (warts and all). Love him (shadow-side and all). Love him (failures, disappointments and all). Love him in spite of all the reasons not to love him.
1st Forgive him. 2nd Then love him. 3rd Then decide.
Then decide..
Do you want to continue on your life path with him as your partner or not? When you make a decision based on LOVE (not fear), it’s always the right decision. You don’t have to worry about the outcome, because everything flows to you without effort.
I have faith you found some insights and ideas here that are useful to you, as you move through your process of healing and recovery. For more insights on this topic, read my article: “Healing the Hurt You Didn’t Deserve.”
Rain, I hope you have a better day tomorrow. It is so confusing when talking to WAS because you never know which things coming out of their mouths are true and which ones aren't because they can seem so sincere at the time. Or, are they all true when they say them, but then they just keep changing their minds? Well, not the part about affairs, they all lie about that! My H told me that he never wants to be married to me or anyone else either, then before Christmas he decided he did, then Jan 1st reverted back to never wanting to be married to me or anyone else ever. H told me that he "leads OW to believe" that he wants a future with her, then tells me that he said it to her her, but never meant it. He just flip flops back and forth from one thing to another constantly contradicting himself at every turn. Is he actually lying, or is he just so confused that he means what he says at the time, he just can't decide and keeps changing his mind? Either way, NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING THEY SAY, and only half of what they do. Someday I will remember this while I'm actually talking to him. Well, that's if we ever talk again! Sigh.....
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Thank NYG....I read that on your thread. It is hard. It's like she gave you a little hope. And yes it is so hard. I hope your doing well today...i know its the 15th.
As for me. I want to be able to look at myself and our children and honestly say I tried everything. I'm just not sure right now.
The sweet texts were just that. Sweet texts. No actions to match the words. Telling me he loves me. He misses his family. That he thinks about me a lot.
Thanks for checking in. I really hope you are okay today. It was hard for me to separate physically from mine. My thoughts and prayers are with you NYG.
MB...i know. I get it on an intellectual level. It probably doesn't come through with what I post, but I do.
I think they are confused and truly believe what they say...at the moment they say it. I believe that because I am going through the same thing and I'm not having an A.
When I'm feeling hurt..when he cancels on the kids....when he's on his phone....i hate him. But then I miss and love him...and I honestly feel those things, at the time.
I am just hurt and seriously pissed off. I hate that he did this and yet I have to find a way to be the strong one and pick up the pieces. But it's just how it is.
Thank you. That's thought provoking. I suppose my biggest problem right now is forgiving him. But that post does make me want to. I guess I am still mentally and emotionally in the camp of...forgiving him when he shows so little remorse is tantamount to saying "yes you can do this and keep doing it and always have a clean slate with me simply because I love you".
I know It's irrational. I know forgiving him is to heal myself. I'm just not "there".
I want space and he had a mini emergency a few days ago and couldn't call me. So I decided to unblock his calls but didn't tell him. He found out today when he called to leave a voicemail. Since he has called 3 times.
I know some of my fellow DBing pals would love to have their H/W/SO calling and texting. But I just need space. I need to feel what I feel, to work through my anger and pain. To decide what I really want. Because he was the one that was confused for over 2 years. Now I am confused and go from wanting our family to build something new and better to wanting to walk away and leave him behind.
Because honestly his refusal of transparency makes me question my partial desire to save my family. I can't be with him if it's the same. I just can't. And i realize that I am putting the cart before the horse thinking that way. I just can't help it.
Thank you for the post though. I made sure to save it.
