annab, what do you think made him have second thoughts?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Gmum, did you get that apartment you liked? I assume so since you said somewhere you are moving.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I am right there with you guys. . I would definitely say no contact. Go dark. Let her come to you. Let her come home to the lonely house and miss you and all of your things. That is what SHE wanted. If you persue her, she will know you're just sitting there waiting for her. Don't call her, don't text her, don't drive by (I am SO guilty of this!), don't go to her favorite place hoping to "bump into her," don't initiate any contact. That's up to her now. She needs to feel you being gone and start to miss you . She can't miss you if you're contacting her. You work at the same place, just do your normal job and try not to run into her. I did no contact with H for 5 weeks (hardest thing ever!) and he did start to miss me and started reconsidering things. Give it a chance. It's hard, but it does work. I REinitiated no contact with 8 days ago. It's so hard, but I'm forcing myself. We can pray for each other. I know I can use the help!
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Wonka, I'm a vegetarian so I'll bring some tofu dogs to your bonfire. I've been saying the OW adjectives a lot. I'd write them here, but they'd all be censored.
What do I do now? I never sent the email about the financials. It seemed unnecessary. I don't know what I'm doing. Am I going dim? Dark? She was reaching out to me with phone calls, but now that she's traveling, nothing. Have I been too passive? Too clingy? Yes, I know...
The GAL for me will be throwing the last piles of cr@p in my car and then trying to make sense of it when I get to my new place.
It seems I've been waiting for her to call or contact me in some way for weeks now. At what point can I take a more active stance? Or is it too late for that? I don't know what comes next.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
MB, thanks for that. I was following your situation before Christmas, and was so happy for you when he came back. You showed great courage to go 5 weeks. I'm hoping some of that will rub off on me. I'm still hopeful that your situation will turn around for you. Let's help each other through these next few weeks.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
annab, what do you think made him have second thoughts?
Even though, we had already lived apart for over a year with minimal contact, he said it didn't feel real until we signed the papers. The whole time I was fighting to bring him home, he wanted nothing to do with me. When I conceded defeat and began to cooperate with the D, things started to change. As long as I was fighting to keep him from what he wanted (the D), it kept him distracted from his own feelings about the loss of our M. When I stopped standing in the way, he finally had to face the reality of what we were doing.
Nygal. I'm sorry I haven't read up on your whole sitch yet. I'm trying to catch up on a lot of people. Still new here. Sounds like this weekend is going to be tough for a few people. You moving out tomorrow. My w moving out Saturday. I'm sure I'll be around here. Feeling angry and hurt much like it seems you are. I was very angry the other night at S and when I stopped to think instead of steam I realized i didn't like myself being angry and resentful. That I was letting her actions control my mood. Which also was upsetting but I told myself to stop. I hope you can find what you need to let go of the anger too
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Just had a good cry. I have to get through this day. get up,walk the dogs, don't think about the fact that it's the last day I get to do this here. Poor dogs, they don't know what has happened. I just cry and scare them. If that OW is lying right here tonight, I hope she has nightmares. She can go to hell for all I care. I could use the company. F her. F them both.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYG - Im so sorry that you are going through this. It most certainly [censored]. To answer some of your questions:
So tomorrow I move out. W comes back home in the evening. We have no plans to communicate. What now? You go and live your life!
Do I have to do NC? I'm so confused. You dont HAVE to. But what is contacting her going to get you? Nothing but hurt! You dont want to do that to yourself. The best thing that you can do for your relationship is to do nothing.
I want to call her now, but I won't. Tired, sad, having a pity party all by my lonesome self. Angry, too. That she did this. We had a beautiful life with friends that loved us, nice neighbors, great dogs, pretty house, amazing garden, comforting routines, laughter and love. Now this. This bites. Yeah. It does. I wish there was more I could do to help.
annab, what do you think made him have second thoughts?
Even though, we had already lived apart for over a year with minimal contact, he said it didn't feel real until we signed the papers. The whole time I was fighting to bring him home, he wanted nothing to do with me. When I conceded defeat and began to cooperate with the D, things started to change. As long as I was fighting to keep him from what he wanted (the D), it kept him distracted from his own feelings about the loss of our M. When I stopped standing in the way, he finally had to face the reality of what we were doing.
I think it takes the D sometimes to snap them out of it. None of it is really real to them as long as they know we're a guarantee in their lives. I spent 18 months being a guarantee to my WW while she couldn't decide about her future. Finally I had enough and I was the one who filed for D. Her whole attitude toward everything changed in an instant when I did that. The reality of us dissolving permanently hit home, FINALLY. I'm not one of those people who can divorce and then start up again with an ex later. If we're done then we're done forever. Everything changed when I filed for D. She came to me broken and begged for us to not get a D and to try again. At that point I didn't want to. I went from pursuer to pursued.
I think honestly that we have to get to that point to know where we really stand. When they're waffling about not knowing what they want and can't decide, they're doing that from a position of knowing that they're still married and can always fall back on that. They're working with a safety net. You. When you remove that safety net, say I'm done, I'm out, have a nice life then they really really REALLY have to do some soul searching. It's in that make or break moment that they're forced to make that decision. Some are thrilled by the prospect of D, gladly accept it, and move on. If that happens then so be it. Others, like my wife, realize that's not what they ever wanted, they were just unsure of who they were and almost destroyed the best parts of their lives while trying to figure that out.
I think the key is that you have to be willing to say "I'm done, let's get a divorce" and really mean it for it to sink into them. I'm a different person today. I've gone from "please choose us, I can't live without you, I NEED you" to "well, I WANT you, but I don't need you, you can walk whenever you want, I'll be fine." That position has given me way more peace of mind. I will never again in my life become that dependent on another person for my happiness, security, peace of mind. I can provide all those things to me, all by myself.
I know those words seem impossible to a lot of people stuck where I was a couple years ago but it can be done. You don't NEED anyone else in your life. You may WANT them really badly but you don't NEED them. There are no such things as soul mates. Just people who love each other and then sometimes don't. Life goes on.
. I would definitely say no contact. Go dark. Let her come to you. Let her come home to the lonely house and miss you and all of your things. That is what SHE wanted. If you persue her, she will know you're just sitting there waiting for her. Don't call her, don't text her, don't drive by (I am SO guilty of this!), don't go to her favorite place hoping to "bump into her," don't initiate any contact. That's up to her now. She needs to feel you being gone and start to miss you . She can't miss you if you're contacting her. You work at the same place, just do your normal job and try not to run into her. I did no contact with H for 5 weeks (hardest thing ever!) and he did start to miss me and started reconsidering things. Give it a chance. It's hard, but it does work. I REinitiated no contact with 8 days ago. It's so hard, but I'm forcing myself. We can pray for each other. I know I can use the help!