When I think about you and the anger a few things jump up for me, and they could be completely left field. So feel free to leave them hanging in the ether.
"How do we get past the anger?" My feeling is like all processes related to grief and loss, you have to go through it.
My personal sense it is not your role or job ro resolve H anger. It is his to experience, own and work through. He is pi**ed off and to be honest so are you. So pretending it isn't there and isn't going to come up, is setting both of you up for failure.
My sense is the trick here, is keeping it in check and understanding it has to come out. When I work with kids around managing anger, we never talk to about not being angry, we talk to them about feeling it and figuring out a positive way of expressing it. You have zero influence over H and his anger right now, so best to make the connection quickly that H anger + my spew jacket = closer to reconcilation.
With regard to your anger and position where you choose to place yourselve. Hmmm how to do I describe this. The anger for me is a defense mechanism to , possibly giving up control, being vulnerable to him really hurting you. I mean like breaking your heart in two type stuff.
Please forgive me, my next statement is not to course offense or harm. But is there some connection between needing to defended and strong and in control, because of the abuse you experienced with your last H.
Is this anger a coping strategy never to be hurt or vulnerable to a man again. Is the desire to ensure you are "not walking on eggshells" and "not putting it on the shelf and being ready to deal" related to things you wanted from previous H.
I don't say any of the above to cause you pain. I am respectful the work you have done. I just know that the legacy can pop up in the strangest places.
It is not unusual for women who have experienced abuse in relationships to find the experience of anger a difficult one. Especially seeing it and feeling it in themselves.
I think the anger serves you well right now. Imagine if you put it down, what would you be left with?
Feeling protected Julie is really important, it makes sense, it is necessary. However vulnerablity is also important it creates connection and intimacy. The key is working out how to have both.
I do see you struggle with vulnerablity and the need to been in control of what comes next. Maybe the lesson here Julie is about becoming vulnerable, but feeling protected.
This is all just speculation Julie. Please ignore if it has no value or hits too hard. So not my intention.
You know my feelings for you, and that I would be around with a bottle of wine in hand for a good sit down and chat. I'd be there in a minute.
