Letting go, finally

[Zues126]

The days are passing, yes, but I am not happy in this limbo.

I have been doing lots for myself. I have made several new friends, rekindled connections with many old friends, deepened and healed my relationship with my father, have been getting out backcountry skiing regularly, started doing a lot more for my health like PT, Chiro, meditation, and got a standing desk at work. I have been journalling, quit a couple of habits that were keeping me in a rut mentally and weren't serving me, read 2 self help books including DR and am halfway through another, and am continuing to be a great father.

I am starting to feel more solid now in the GAL department, but it doesn't displace my need for a sense of closure, or at least a sense that things are moving forward in the sitch with my M. I'm unhappy waiting around for my W while she continues to disrespect our M by continuing to contact the OM, avoiding anything that is difficult. I am allowing myself to be violated by tolerating this, and this hurts how I feel about myself. If she's genuinely using this limbo time well to do some soul searching so that she can make a decision from the right place, then that is understandable and I am willing to wait, even though it's hard for me. I just don't really know for sure whether she is avoiding or soul searching. It's hard to tell. Right now, she seems to be doing a bit of both.

The IC's advice to me yesterday, given her knowledge of where my W is at, is that if I don't set any boundaries at all, then my W will likely continue avoiding. She encouraged me to set a time limit on how long I'm willing to wait before I really need to take care of my own need to get on with my life, with or without her. I need a partner I can grow with. I am not perfect and I have things to learn, but without a partner who will communicate with me, be honest, and put forward a genuine effort to resolve conflicts together, I am just playing tennis with myself and I'm not actually learning anything about intimacy.

Unlike some folks here, I do believe that D has its place, once someone has made a real effort to try everything and their spouse just won't budge and remains unwilling to grow and participate in the R. The question is, how much effort is enough? The thought of waiting in this limbo for months longer is really, really depressing. Especially when doing so isn't even a guarantee that things will work out with my W. Having a partner to grow with is really important to me and if that's not my W then I'd like to get on with my life and find someone else.

If my W shifted into making a real effort, then yes, I would be very patient from that point forward as I understand it would take a long time to heal our R and bring back the attraction. But when she's not trying at all, still avoiding, still behaving like she's single, looking to the OM as soon at things get difficult in our M... I'm just not willing to wait around with things in that state for months longer.

I suppose Azzork is right that I should stay present and take it one day at a time. I feel like 2 or 3 weeks is about all that I have left in me, but who am I to say what I will feel like when that time comes. I want to give a "reasonable" amount of time for my W to do her soul searching, but if she wastes that time by continuing to avoid, I need some kind of limit. I can't keep waiting indefinitely.

I think you should pull the plug and file D.

Nothing is going to change in 3 weeks or 3 months, particularly not if you are so enmeshed in your W's addiction as she can't begin her journey until she's free of your attachment. And if a growth resistant spouse is grounds for divorce then I think you both have grounds.

I am not giving this advice sarcastically at all, I simply truly don't believe it behooves either of you for you to fight a battle for your marriage you can't win because you don't have the commitment or tools.

I could talk about what I would do, but that's irrelevant because we have different views and values. I don't believe an irreplaceable partnership is replaceable, and I wouldn't want a partnership that is. I believe that while it takes two to make a good marriage, both people contribute in different ways, and either partner might be convinced the other party isn't doing their part. I believe that marriages go through cycles, and that if you get through the 'for worse' there is time to reach the 'for better'. And that there is something sacred about this commitment, and when it breaks there is nothing more than a series of flings ended by the same story with different stories told about why they had to end.

But again, 80% of our society shares your view and will support and understand your decision. I'm sure you will find a divorced woman that you can be with for most of a decade until she feels you aren't doing your part and cuts out. From what I hear the first 12-24 months are pretty amazing with endorphins and feelings of attractiveness and validation. If that's all you're equipped for might as well enjoy it. And who knows, second marriages have a good 33% success rate, maybe you will actually grow a bit after this marriage dies and you have to own your part and deal with your life by yourself, and meet someone that is exceptional, and you might be able to build a marriage close to as good as the one you could have with W other than the broken family, replaceability of it all, and the fact there won't be anyone to share your love for the children with. But it would be easier now for sure, and I know you'll get through. No need to suffer in this way if you're going to go down this road is my only point. Just suffer in other ways and save your pride.