WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE

[trumpet]

Update time.

Wife has made some effort to be friendly to me. I took the day off, and worked around the house, read a couple books, worked out.

Before we headed off to D14 and S12's band concert, I made supper. She seemed wanting to talk, so we chatted a bit. I mentioned about D7's flu shot tomorrow, and wife mentioned she might cancel, since it's so late in the year. I said I'd still be willing to take her, between some other appointments.

The last phrase did me in. She wanted to know about all my other appointments on my day off. I just said I was going a couple places. She continued to hound me for a few more minutes saying it wasn't fair that I wouldn't tell her where I was going.

The discussion boiled down to she's not OK with me having 'things' to do, and her not having full access to all my emails and phone records, if I keep on insisting she has to give up all her privacy. It's just not fair, and she won't do it. She feels like a 2 year old, and says she still hasn't retracted the divorce filing. She feels like I should have instantaneous trust and faith in her. That having her EA as a Facebook friend, and his number still in her phone (she said yes, she still had it in her phone) was something I'd have to deal with.

I asked her to swap roles for a bit, and would it be fair? She ended the conversation, and almost left the house before the concert. I told her to wait a minute, that the kids would want us to go as a family. We did.

I apologized for being a little passive agressive with my 'other appointments' comment. When we got home, I did spell out, minus a complete NC letter, what she had to do. NC, unfriend facebook, delete his phone number, you can't have that temptation there.

She's still acting as if I'm grounding her. I'm really trying to come at this from two angles - a solid boundary, but also since I have an addiction, explaining that I did a lot of damage to us, and these requirement will need to be done so that both of us can begin the huge work of building a new marriage. That I'm sorry I caused all the pain with my addiction.

She said she's getting tired of my apologies. She's apologized once before she went back to contacting OM, and apologized again on Sunday. I'm not asking for an apology back - not looking for it. I'm just showing her that I understand the pain I caused her. I guess I'll stop with any further apologies, as this is causing friction with us.

She says it's very hard to respect me. That to just give her lots of space. It's tough - giving her space, but not seeing any progress on OM front, and the D filing still open.

I keep thinking that my addiction took about 60 days to get clear of the urges. Would 60 days or so be enough time for WW to clear enough of the fog to start couples counseling? Should she need more space?

Her wanting to be all chummy with me, but no heavy lifting so far makes my brain sizzle a bit. I keep on thinking she's cake eating. Maybe it's not, but that's my gut.

Funny thing - D14 heard us talking in the kitchen, and heard my wife swear at me. I don't ever swear in return anymore. D14 got mad at her mom, and told her so. WW then said a couple biting words to D14, and left the room. D14 came over a few minutes later and gave me a hug and a kiss, and said she was siding for me on that little arguement. I told her no one is right or wrong on this one, but we're trying to work through a few things. It was just funny that D14 said something to mom - that's the second time in the last 3 months she has. No coaching, no nothing - showing that she understands the dynamics probably better than I do at times. I don't like that she sees it, but she is very happy we're trying to R.