Because we love them and have given them so much. It feels like if we give up, it'll be like we have wasted our life with them.
I'm so sorry to hear about your kids' disappointment. I know it's hurting them, but in the long run they will recognise that you were their rock and the only person who has been there through thick and thin.
I'm serious about that coffee if you are in England :-). Scotland, Wales are a bit too far for me :-)
Because we love them and have given them so much. It feels like if we give up, it'll be like we have wasted our life with them.
Yes, I think you're right! I think I do feel like that. I feel like it destroys every happy memory and everything we ever did. Makes me feel like every loving thing he ever did was a lie. Of course, I know that isn't exactly true, at least not at first anyway. But then again...we had been married 6 years when the first BD and OW happened so who knows. Maybe the following 9 years were all a huge lie on his part. I feel like my world is caving in on my tonight and have that feeling of someone sitting on my chest. Wish I could detach.
Originally Posted By: Rouky
I'm so sorry to hear about your kids' disappointment. I know it's hurting them, but in the long run they will recognise that you were their rock and the only person who has been there through thick and thin.
Right again! I think they already are. They are starting to say things about him and they haven't come from me, the one thing I am doing is making sure I'm very careful not to say things about him. Mind you, it is all forgotten as soon as he walks in the door. Which is as it should be for them but even so it is painful to see.
Originally Posted By: Rouky
I'm serious about that coffee if you are in England :-). Scotland, Wales are a bit too far for me :-)
So north or south? I know about the kids, we are the only one that can keep them safe and limit the damage of the situation. My bet could be that when you reconcile with H, he probably didn't deal with his issues back then.
Shame because they have someone who would give them the moon, but at the moment they can't see it! They have their path to follow, so have we.
We can only hope that one day, it'll cross ours again :-)
North. You? Well, one thing's for sure, he certainly didn't deal with his issues regarding OW who he "only talked to". On and off contact carried on for a further 4 years I later discovered! Yet all of this is my fault. Of course it is
. we had been married 6 years when the first BD and OW happened so who knows. Maybe the following 9 years were all a huge lie on his part
I thought the same about my W and the last 9 years . Our life Was it all pretend for her? My god she even told the D's that the last 5 years she faked it. I don't think it was. I think it's all MLC script.
When she came back from her 1st crisis 9 years ago, it lasted 3 months. I thought it was a baby blues depression. She had an OM. He called it off because he didn't want to leave his W and kids. She crashed and came home...We just brushed it under the rug and went on like it never happened. To this day W can't remember it ever happening. I dealt with it internally by myself. Insecurities were there.
I know now that what she had was a quarter life crisis. She did not complete her crisis then and that's why it's back now at midlife. Funny thing is , I canlaugh at it now... She did and said the exact same things as 9 years ago. It was like I was thrown back in time. I said to myself here I go again. I am not doing this again. Yet here I stand for the woman I love.
Not remembering anything is normal. They are in such a turmoil and battle within the brain forgets the bad to protect itself.
When and if your H wakes up, don't expect him to remember anything. Bits and pieces maybe but things H said that hurt you or the kids will be erased. Him not showing up and neglecting doesn't affect him. He has no control.
I am sure they feel the hurt they cause deep down. The way my W can't look at me when we talk... She has so much guilt and she's ubable to stop. I'm sure your H is the same.
They have this dead look to their eyes. Its a living hell for them trying to be happy and they are not looking at us for help.
I'm not saying this so you can feel sorry for H. I'm saying it so you disconnect from him. Let him fix himself . Don't try to understand what he does. You need to drop all expectations of him coming over . It will only let you down. If he shows up then he shows up. As long as you are ok with that.
As for your kids. You are mom and dad now. Be there when H lets them down and pick them up...do what he promised to do with them. If he was to watch a movie with them do that. If he was to help them with their homework ... Help them. Show them that you won't let them down. Mommy is here :-)
Hugs Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
To this day W can't remember it ever happening. I dealt with it internally by myself. Insecurities were there.
Yes, my H can't remember the things he did and said either from his last crisis. He used to go two or more weeks at a time without seeing our S who was 2 at the time, he can't remember that, he's convinced he came every other day to see him. The hurtful things he said to me - nope, he didn't say them!
Originally Posted By: IrishM
Funny thing is , I can laugh at it now... She did and said the exact same things as 9 years ago. It was like I was thrown back in time. I said to myself here I go again. I am not doing this again. Yet here I stand for the woman I love.
Me too! H has said the exact same things. Initially, when he gave me the ILYBNILWY and I never will be again speech I pointed that out to him. "You said exactly the same words 9 years ago, yet you managed to love me again for 9 years." As you say, if it wasn't so painful and tragic it would be funny. This time is different apparently. He knows he feels far worse than last time (even though he can't remember last time!). Crazy!
Originally Posted By: IrishM
I am sure they feel the hurt they cause deep down. The way my W can't look at me when we talk... She has so much guilt and she's ubable to stop. I'm sure your H is the same.
Sometimes my H can't look me in the eyes, but just lately, like the last few days where he was cooking, cleaning etc like old times, he looked like he was struggling to suppress a smile or laugh every time he looked at me. Maybe all the cooking etc was some sick game of his.
Originally Posted By: IrishM
I'm not saying this so you can feel sorry for H. I'm saying it so you disconnect from him. Let him fix himself .
Thanks Irish, I need reminding of this often. This is so hard. The first second I wake up every day I feel like I get slapped in the face and punched in the stomach with the realisation of it.
IP - You have to go through this to really understand it. I used to think MLC was a joke - an excuse.
Until it happened to my family.
I've been a funk all day. We had the best family. People loved our family - we got invited everywhere!
Yet - in one fell swoop, my H destroyed that, and doesn't see it for what it is. "We still have a family." Um, no...we don't. The kids are disgusted with you, and hardly want to see you. Then when they see me, they feel guilty about it - like they're being forced to make a choice. I didn't do anything wrong, and they know it - but I'm affected by it as if I did. So, my R with the children is strained, as well. I'm really angry with him for that. Time will heal a lot of this pain, I know, but we shouldn't even be having to heal.
He's really getting to me with his pursuit of a friendship. Is he really oblivious enough to think I'm going to be fine knowing he's with someone else? I was talking with him today - and fighting the urge to slap him the entire time. He was being charming and sweet. I just kept remembering last Friday, when I told him we weren't going to be friends, and he had a temper tantrum to beat all tantrums.
One of my fellow DBers advised that I act "as if", because a lot of good can come from a friendship. I don't know if I can do it. I believe I'm more detached than not, and I don't want to be around him. His constant lies to me, when he never lied before. The fact that he knows how badly he's hurt me, yet I'm supposed to just get past it, and be happy with being friendly.
I told him once, when this first happened, that when this was all said and done he'd never see me again. He was so hurt by that. What the heck does he want from me? I can't be around him. It hurts.
I'm really trying to figure out what to do. I think my best bet is to disappear, make him miss me. Then fear sets in...he seems to be having such a great time these days. Of course, I've read everything I could get my hands on about MLC, and they all say the WAS is not nearly as happy as they want you to think they are.
I don't know why I'm telling you this - I think it's because today has been a bit rough - and I'm wanting you to know that I really do understand. It seems I'm a bit rough on you sometimes with all my "detach, detach, detach". I just know it's your best shot at saving your sanity.
Even after you do detach, you'll have moments - moments like the ones I'm telling you about now. H and I are definitely getting along better since I stopped fighting him. Letting him go has given him a certain peace - I'm just not sure what all this friendship nonsense is about.
It might be tied up in guilt. If I'm nice to him, then what he did couldn't be that bad, right? Or, is it - he really likes me, and while he wants to be free to do what he wants - he doesn't want to completely lose me, too. I just don't know. I have no answers for this.
I don't know if this will help you or not. I just wanted to share, I still struggle. I will for a long time, I think. I love my H. Letting him go has about killed me - but he was hating me while I was hanging on so tightly, and that, I couldn't deal with.
You cant make your M better by moving forward with this much pain. It is oozing out everywhere. If you truly want to do what will help the most to get your M back, you have to let it go and find happiness.
I know everyone says "Dont make changes just to get your M back."
Ignore them. Go ahead and fake some changes and dont beat yourself up for doing them ONLY to get your M back.
The changes you have to do is find, at the very very minimum, 10 new things to add to your day that bring you a itsy bitsy tiny bit of joy. It does not matter what they are. I can throw some examples, but only you can do what you know you like.
1. Eat a chocolate bar 2. Listen to a comedian. My fav = John Mulaney - The Salt and Pepper Diner. It is not bad, but there might be a few swear words. Use the ladies room before you listen so you dont wet yourself laughing 3. Knit a baby cap to give to a local hospital 4. Do the electric slide FOR THE ENTIRE SONG! 5. Think of your child succeeding at a huge goal, like winning an award. (picture every detail) 6. Brace yourself, this one is a little... Think of performing a bedroom activity, but dont let H in your fantasy 7. Sing in the car REAL LOUD 8. Start a course online or night school at a local college 9. Play an instrument 10. Cook that real HARD to cook diner and dessert
Most of these are stupid, but mix some real life changing goals in with that and you have a recipe for less pain. That is our number one goal right now, less pain. Because a happier you will get H back.
(Dont worry about breaking the rules and doing it just for H, break the d@mn rules. Because after you do it for a while, you will start doing it for yourself, promise.)
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
You cant make your M better by moving forward with this much pain. It is oozing out everywhere. If you truly want to do what will help the most to get your M back, you have to let it go and find happiness.
I know everyone says "Dont make changes just to get your M back."
Ignore them. Go ahead and fake some changes and dont beat yourself up for doing them ONLY to get your M back.
Mona! I am so happy you said this. I think the point for many of us IS to get our H back. The idea of finding out what our part in the downfall in the R was and changing that is very important. If it is a change that will help you in other aspects of your life, and thus be FOR YOU, it will be better at making you happy. But if you truly love your S and want them back, making a change FOR THEM is, I believe, a very giving change. It may be a fake it til you make it change, but the key words are...TIL YOU MAKE IT. Til it becomes a change in you that works for you, too. In my case, most of my changes are for me...they are making me a happier person by giving me a better quality of life. But I needed to revisit some of the things that I had pulled back from or given up on because they were H's interests. Then I was left with no shared activities...and realized he had done the same. So, I am now a skier again. And he has noticed. Something to build on. One shared "fake it til you make it" activity that is starting to take.
The changes you have to do is find, at the very very minimum, 10 new things to add to your day that bring you a itsy bitsy tiny bit of joy. It does not matter what they are. I can throw some examples, but only you can do what you know you like.
1. Eat a chocolate bar 2. Listen to a comedian. My fav = John Mulaney - The Salt and Pepper Diner. It is not bad, but there might be a few swear words. Use the ladies room before you listen so you dont wet yourself laughing 3. Knit a baby cap to give to a local hospital 4. Do the electric slide FOR THE ENTIRE SONG! 5. Think of your child succeeding at a huge goal, like winning an award. (picture every detail) 6. Brace yourself, this one is a little... Think of performing a bedroom activity, but dont let H in your fantasy 7. Sing in the car REAL LOUD 8. Start a course online or night school at a local college 9. Play an instrument 10. Cook that real HARD to cook diner and dessert
Most of these are stupid, but mix some real life changing goals in with that and you have a recipe for less pain. That is our number one goal right now, less pain. Because a happier you will get H back.
(Dont worry about breaking the rules and doing it just for H, break the d@mn rules. Because after you do it for a while, you will start doing it for yourself, promise.)
IP, words of wisdom from Mona. I'm still struggling with the loneliness aspect of this separation, but I am seeing the growth in steps taken. I just want to add, when the anger can be replaced with true understanding, both of yourself and your H, that is when you will start to feel better. That is when you will start to grow. That is when you will find you, and your days will get a little easier.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I've been a funk all day. We had the best family. People loved our family - we got invited everywhere!
Yet - in one fell swoop, my H destroyed that, and doesn't see it for what it is. "We still have a family." Um, no...we don't.
Ancaire, this describes what our Hs have done perfectly! In one fell swoop everything is destroyed. It breaks my heart. My children are still too young to understand the true ramifications of his actions. Every birthday, Christmas, holiday etc is going to sting for the rest of their lives. Despite how much I want him back I truly hate him for that. It isn't all that long until our little girl's birthday and he won't be there for her family birthday tea that we traditionally have. She is going to be heartbroken. (I could call my H a very unpleasant name here).
Originally Posted By: Ancaire
He's really getting to me with his pursuit of a friendship.
One of my fellow DBers advised that I act "as if", because a lot of good can come from a friendship. I don't know if I can do it. I believe I'm more detached than not, and I don't want to be around him.
I know exactly what you mean. I think after this week where my H had me almost convinced he was coming home with all his let's play house and happy families charade I need to leave the house whenever he comes. I don't want to be just a friend, I want to be his wife.
Originally Posted By: Ancaire
I don't know why I'm telling you this - I think it's because today has been a bit rough - and I'm wanting you to know that I really do understand. It seems I'm a bit rough on you sometimes with all my "detach, detach, detach". I just know it's your best shot at saving your sanity.
I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time. I think we are bound to for a long time, that's another thing that hurts about all this, you just know in your heart of hearts that it is going to sting over and over for a long time. I don't think you're too hard on me, I appreciate all of the advice I'm getting on here. I think I seem like I'm not taking it on board, I think I'm still in some kind of denial. I truly cannot believe this is happening and every morning when I wake up it's like ground hog day where I realise what's happened all over again. It is so draining and so hard.
