Back on these forums again 6

[Mona52]

I need to unload another confession, only because I spoke to my IC about it and I am not making as much of a mistake as I thought I was. But reflecting on it, I might just be walking into the same prison I just left (or am trying to leave).

I had another sleep over at Chris's house. I used the time to push myself into breaking out of my 20-years-with-the-same-man shell. I am not in love with him, nor is he in love with me.

I picked my IC because that counseling center has a strong Christian base. I figured they would be very very pro-marriage. So I tell her about my unchristianlike activities, and her first question was "Did you learn anything?"

Well, to me, that was what was so liberating about the whole darn thing. I have learned things about myself I never dreamed possible.

She did not berate me or criticize me. At one point I said something like I learned that I am okay with every part of my body except my belly, and he had no problem with it. He thought I was beautiful.

She asked me to repeat myself 2 more times, lol. Then she told me she was proud. HAHA I am laughing because, seriously, I am surrounded by actions I have done that are so so so much more worthy of praise, lol.

But now that IC is over, I look at what I receive from Chris, and it is very close to what I thought I needed from H. Validation so I can believe him, and not deal with my internal struggle. Chris says I am beautiful, so I believe him. Sound familiar? Yikes!

I also get the physical connection with someone else, and I am dying alone waiting for that. So I just need to make sure I dont develop a co-dependency. I have not spoken to him in days so I dont think I am. To me, it was kinda like going bowling. An activity I did for fun, validation, a boost to my PMA, but I am not gonna go join a league with him. He feels the exact same way so I am not leading him on. I just need to keep my eyes wide open and be careful. That is why I dont want to hide it here. You guys can slap me if I am wrong.