Don't know what to do anymore...

[Painter]

Hi everyone, and thank you so much for the well-wishes.

I'm a little uncertain about what kind of update this is. I have felt quite down for much of the time since the holidays, not surprisingly. Also bouts of anger and dreams about H cheating that wakes me up in the morning.

H and I live like we did before I discovered the new e-mails, but he seems to have stepped up some when it comes to piecing.

We had a conversation a week or so ago where I actually suggested that some time apart (yes, I used the S-word) could do us good, and H seemed to agree that we are not bringing out the best in each other. However, he still said he didn't want to S, so I told him he would have to be the locomotive for a while. I'm just spent, I guess.

Things have been pretty good since then. We are not living a friction free life, we argue at times and some of the old issues are still popping up, but in general, I think it's it's pretty good. I don't know what H thinks, he doesn't want to talk much about it.

I think H is calmer than he has been in our entire M, but I suspect that's a benefit of something else he's doing that might be helping with his ADHD as a positive side effect.

I got a glimpse of how good we could have it one weekend before Christmas, but it was brief and didn't last. I don't know what to do to get it back, because it requires both of us to contribute 100%.

Poll question: Do/did you go a day without touching your spouse? No hug, kiss or physical contact of any kind for all the time you saw them (after work until bedtime)? I'm curious what's the norm.

[Zues126]

XW and I periodically went three months without speaking so I would say yes, we went a day without touch.

Should a marriage be that way? Hell no!

I'm starting to think the love languages are like food groups. You should really show affection in the way your spouse feels it every day. For me it's Physical touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality time...so to me those three should be daily or near daily in some form...with acts of service and gifts being slightly less regular.

But if my spouse said that gifts were her love language, well, you'd better believe I'd make it rain!

[Painter]

Zues, when you say 3 months without talking, do you mean just talking about children or dinner or mundane stuff, or not talking *at all*? I probably wouldn't manage 3 hours...

Yes, it's back to LLs, isn't it... Which reminds me I need to do better with the verbal part again. That is the hardest for me because I have lived the majority of my life in a culture that doesn't express much emotion verbally.

I'm having a hard time with what 'counts' and what doesn't. I thought thanking H for things he does for me and around the house would be WoA, but the counselor said no. It feels like it's a very narrow area I have to hit. What kinds of WoA would you want to hear?

[Painter]

I found an article I liked a lot about the LL Words of Affirmation.

http://preengaged.com/how-to-love-your-w...al-tips-part-3/

I'm going to leave a little card for H for when he gets up tomorrow morning.

Need to be sincere. I'm having a lot of negative internal monologue these days, and it's making it hard to find positive points.

[Zues126]

Hey painter. It was more like three years of not talking with a few failed attempts at trying to have a partnership together before we both would feel defeated again. I would say closer to no talking at all. Sometimes we'd pay each other little courtesies, such as I'd get her a meal as well when I picked something up on the way home, or she'd continue to buy things at the grocery store I liked. But it was pretty desolate. Defeated is the best word. After three years she started talking with other guys and eventually concluded we weren't meant to be together. I don't agree, but our M was definitely worse that bad.

As for words of affirmation, that is definitely a love language of mine. I think the best way to know what to do is to think back to all the things your spouse did for you...often their failed attempts to make you feel loved take the shape of what they long for themselves. Has H written you poems? Send you loving emails? Post-it notes?

The hard part about WOA is they need to be sincere, really sincere. But for me they are very important. You can actually see examples of this all over the forum (because that's all we can do for each other). Check out JB's last thread, or her posts to other people. Genuine positive words meant to show why we think that person is special, and admirable, and we are lucky to have them.

Why not write out your card idea here?

[Painter]

Zues, I'm sorry both of you didn't have the right tools to help your M years ago. It seems both of you were very patient and hung in there for a long time. All your hard work will pay off in one way or other.

I just went through a loop in my head - may not be groundbreaking, but maybe it can help someone: I was thinking about writing H a little card and put by the coffee maker, saying that I hope he has a good day at work and appreciate how hard he works to support us.

Then the little devil on my other shoulder reminded me of when he told me that his job is more important to him than our M.

But the tiny angel gave me a flash of insight: that it's probably because that's where he has found consistent positive feedback through his life. He's a high achiever and it's very important to him to be acknowledged for it.

The article mentioned how sometimes people with WoA LL can be perceived as conceited or needy - that is exactly what I've thought at times when H repeated praise he got at work, or talked about how they were so impressed by him. This article really hit home.

[Painter]

I left H a note last night. I saw he had left it by his place this morning.

Interestingly, he has e-mailed me a lot today. Nothing major, just staying in touch. Could be a coincidence - or not.

[JellyB]

Painter and Zues,

I have been enjoying the exchange between you and this conversation has been of particular interest to me as both of my lovelies were WoA men.

A line from Alice in Wonderland springs to mind in response to question about coincidence or not?..."curiouser and curiouser". It is a beginners mind. Being surprised by trying something new. It is a beautiful leap of faith to try this Painter. I hope this brings about some shift. You and H are so well deserving of it.

I really enjoy and respect what you bring to the board Painter, calm insight wisdom. You are such a discovery, I am sorry I missed most of your journey.

with much love

JellyBxxx

[Painter]

Thank you, JB, for the compliments! I posted in Piecing for a while before coming back to Newcomers, so most of my story is there if you want to catch up. I will read up on your story - there are a lot of posters I wish I had time to read more about, but I have a tendency to spend too much time online so I try to limit myself...

I journaled a lot last night - had not written since November. It was great to get it all down on paper, I can feel it today. I have felt too busy or too tired for quite some time, but I need to do it more often.

I included some goals for our M and for myself, and ended it on a very positive note. I was thinking about discussing the M goals with H at some point.

[Painter]

How do you get past the anger? I struggle daily with so much anger that I suppress.

I'm angry at H for talking to OW about our M (she threw something in my face that only H could have told her, it was distorted to make me look bad).
I'm angry at OW for pursuing my husband.
I'm angry at H for being too busy to talk to me while he spent hours on the phone with OW. (Before OW, we talked a lot as well - it changed suddenly when the EA started.)
I'm angry that he convinced me to move from another country, change my entire life, only to toss me away when he couldn't figure out how to fix things.
I'm angry that he is renegotiating the terms we married on, walking away from all his promises.
I'm angry that he thinks people are just things that can be replaced.
I'm angry that he's not a more honorable person.

I recognize that this anger is not good for me or for the M. Not sure how I can purge it, though. I have forgiven him, because he is fallible and I love him, but I'm still angry.