I have been really perplexed. I am filled with fear. I don't know if my actions are the right ones. I don't know if I am giving too much. The way things are I feel it is only benefiting her. I'll explain. I am available when she calls or reaches out, if the school isn't payed because she hasn't paid it, I come out of pocket on top of what I already give her, this is putting me into debt at times, but I justify it as "Oh, its for the kids, they can't be kicked out". I invite her to all of our family holidays, if she need to swap days with the kids, I accommodate more of the time, She threw the bday party for me, had my family and friends over, then we all went home, she stayed with her kids, because it was her day and we agreed. She has the home, she has her "freedom", parties, can act single, while still knowing I am there for her and the kids. I may be viewing this wrong, and if I am please help me get a clearer picture. I am stuck. I can't keep feeling vulnerable, when I came across her gift to OM, it put me down for 2 days, I can't be this susceptible to her actions. I have picked myself up a bit, and I am staying strong, but I'm full of fear of making the decision to drop the rope because I might be missing my chance, and my fear of remaining in the same situation.
I am working on my PMA everyday, reading the scriptures at night. Working on having faith, letting go, forgiving, and surrendering but wow, it is really difficult. We hardly talk as much, and I miss that, I have glorified her, and put her in a pedestal...does she belong there? I don't think so, but for some reason, that's where I have her.
God Bless everyone.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
