Never heard the head of lettuce analogy. I spit my coffee across the table.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Your last thread had a lot of debate about snooping/exposing etc. Different sites give diametrically opposed advice about this. My advice is that it depends on your goals and your situation. Your situation is that you have a WW who is actively in an affair, it is not exposed, she is in the process of divorcing you. And, based on her outrageous behavior towards you, you can be certain she will do everything she can to destroy you in the divorce.
So I think your actions need to be focused solely on protecting yourself and your children emotionally and financially. Right now you need to stop thinking about saving your marriage because, frankly, it is not up to you. It is up to your WW because she has already decided to file, so she would need to be the one to decide to stop it.
First, go in for consultations with at least 3 attorneys. Dont get the cheapest, and pick the one who seems most experienced with fathers rights and knows about the potential judges. You dont need to retain them right away, but these meetings will answer many of your questions and will greatly reduce your fear and anxiety of the unknowns, which is usually the scariest part of this.
Second, determine if adultery will have any bearing on the divorce proceedings. This depends on your state, and your judge. Some states disallow alimony after an affair. Some judges even in no fault state will come down hard on a cheater during property division and custody. And sometimes, whether a state is 'at fault' or 'no fault', cheating doesnt matter at all. If cheating would hurt her in a divorce proceeding, then snoop away but hire a PI so you can get court-approved evidence. Even court approved evidence will often be dismissed if you do it yourself, and you open yourself to ROs, thus my advice on a PI.
Third, if you are not using her affair as divorce evidence, then decide how you want to use it to your advantage. By this, I mean you can blow it up, there are some ideas above, but usually a call to OM's wife and their boss does the trick. She will hate you at first, then maybe she will run back to you later since you are still probably her backup plan. Or, you can use it as leverage against her. She can stop disrespecting you, leave and divorce quietly, or everyone finds out. This is where you can use non-court approved evidence. Or, third option is just to let it be common knowledge, not as exposure to try to blow up the affair, but just so that your WW can't continue her charade of pinning everything on you. And trust me, right now that is exactly what she is doing. And this approach ties right into my last piece of advice -
Fourth, be honest. Unless you are strategically using her affair as leverage, then dont keep her secret, especially from your kids. I know first hand that teenagers do not deal well with crazy behavior by their parents that they cannot understand, and will almost always assume fault themselves. I always, always advise parents to be completely honest with their kids about the changes and causes of change in their lives in an age-appropriate way. Just telling them 'its fine, its fine' is lying to them, its not fine, and this is doing them no favors. They need one parent they can trust. Sure, it will rock the boat, but that will be your WW's problem to address her relationship with them. But when these earth shattering secrets are hidden from kids - thats when I have seen these kids end up with permanent emotional scars.
Im sorry you and your family are in such a terrible situation - good luck!
Free, I'm trying to speed read your situation, but I see a ton of parallels.
First, the only thing that changed the dynamic was once I found out about the OM. I spent about a month in hell gathering intel and working through my emotions. I needed that long to figure out if I would stay with her if she broke of the A and to decide if I should castrate the OM. The answer was not yes to both (although I'm rethinking both as time goes by). I also needed the time to figure out specifics of what was going on, and to take pics for potential future use. And to talk to safe people. In my case I don't have many, because I knew if I disclosed anything to my family they would never let her back in and they would constantly pressure me to dump her.
Once I felt more centered and confident I knew exactly what was happening, I confronted her. I told her that I had some questions, and that I knew the answers to most of them. She should not worry about what I knew or how I knew it. She should simply tell the truth. Because I KNEW.
The important thing to me is that I did not "Blow up" the marriage. I knew I wanted to give her a choice to do the right thing, but I didn't want to pressure her into anything. I wasn't even sure I wanted to continue, or file for a divorce. I simply knew that I would be OK if either happened.
TO me, you still are operating from anger. Anger is totally normal, but you don't want to make huge, life-changing decisions based on emotions. Try to step back and evaluate your other emotions. There is no turning back from your choice, so please, please make sure it is the right choice for you. I can't explain it, but there was a moment when I knew what I had to do. And a moment when I knew how I felt about the situation. They were separate and painful conclusions to reach, but I can guarantee that I would not still be married if I took the approach you suggest.
You may justifiably ask if it's a good thing to stay married after all that's happened. That is the question you should be asking yourself, not how to approach the confrontation.
Just my thoughts. I don't think my choice is best for everyone (far from it). I simply want to make sure you've taken enough time to really investigate what YOU want to happen.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Just some thoughts here. Besides mentally preparing to be served, I know there is a big R talk that will be happening soon. W asked me a few days ago to discuss some upcoming financial issues. I've been available but W avoids me, as usual. I will not bring it up unless W approaches first. She still cannot look me in the eyes. Guilt seeping in, maybe? If/when this discussion takes place, I plan on being pleasant and to the point. Once the discussion shifts from financial to M talk, as I know it will, I am going to stfu. I plan on telling W that unless she has anything to say related to our children or current household finances, she needs to go through L's for anything else. I will not offer opinions or give away what I am going for. She will pay for that info. Any thoughts or suggestions on this would be helpful. Thanks.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Fade, I have a L. He is a friend also. I'm covered, in that respect. The snooping issue is different now. When I started it yesterday, it was to get information on OM. What I found was proof that W is filing soon. The OM is not a factor if D is coming anyway. As far as the kids, they need to be told the truth soon. Unspoken tension rules my home these days. We've all had enough.
SciDad,
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Sorry, hit submit by accident. SciDad, I am operating from anger. No doubt about that. I try not to make decisions when angry or emotional, but it is where I am right now. The OM revelation is still not a week old, so anger is still present. W has had no regard for me in any way since BD. Her anger, indifference, and now A, drove me to this. I do not want to be in this dark place any more. Life is too short.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
