Should I mention my concern about her having discussions about our relationship with someone who has their own marriage troubles. If so, I was thinking of phrasing it like this. " I like (insert name), and I think she is a great person, however, I do not think she is the right person to discuss our marital issues with based on her failed marriage and her present situation."
Will this come across as persuing? Will I come across as insecure? Please advise?
I think it would sound "controlling" to her. She is showing her lack of respect by having an EA with OM, so she's not going to respect you enough to abide by your wishes of not discussing the MR. That's what most women do anyway, is talk about whatever is going on in their life with their friends.
Looking back at your dating history and her being attracted to another man during that time, seems to me, like a pattern with her. If so, you could pull up stakes and move from the neighbor....only for her to find a new OM and have a new EA. She may be pursuing the neighbor, since she is the pursuing type. The problem lies with her and not the other guy, IMHO.
Back to the subject of boundaries, I just wanted to make sure you understood that that subject is not to be discussed with your W. I know that may seem difficult to digest. You don't go in to her and say something like, "Now W, I think we should discuss boundaries and I want to tell you what some of mine will be, and you can tell me what yours will be". When you decide what your boundaries will be, don't go down the list telling her what they are. If you see her dishonoring your personal boundary or the MR boundary, then you state it to her in a matter-of-fact manner. No discussions, no negotiations, it is your boundary and she either honors it or you will respond to that dishonor in a way that will be consequential to her.
I will warn you that when a nice-guy has allowed his WW to go for a length of time disrespecting him, and then he stands up for himself and establishes his boundaries, she may not respond positively in the beginning. In fact, I would dare say that she'll test you to see if you really will stand behind what you say. If you stick to your word, it will either get back the respect in her, or you will move on from the R you have now. If you don't stick to it, then it's not effective. If there are no consequences, it's not effective. That is what a boundary is all about. Boundaries and requests differentiate b/c one has consequences and one doesn't.
So, moving on here. Your W is having an EA, maybe even PA with this neighbor. If you question her, she may or may not deny it, but the majority of WW's will use the old excuse of just being friends. Whatever she says, it comes down to her making a choice, just like you had her do before you entered into M with her. If you had continued to have a dating R with her while she was wanting that other guy on the side.....how long/how far do you think it would have gone on? I'm saying this is the same situation, only it's worse b/c you are suppose to be committed to a MR, and you have children together. If this is not stopped once and for all, it will continue down through the years, and surely you don't want to go through this again. Thing is, she respected how you handled that situation during the dating, but she's not respecting you so much now. Yes, you have more to lose now, which should call for a stronger stance.
It boils down to her respect for you. She's not feeling the loving emotions, b/c she has to respect you, first. That is why moving away from the neighbor is not a permanent fix to the problem.
As for your boys, I understand you wanting to protect their future. Either way (continuing as you are, moving, or S/D), it is going to affect them. Most of your life is dedicated to the boys' activities. That's fine, only in today's rushed world, we see so many couples drifting apart b/c there is not time for just the two of them. If there is more than one child in sports....it seems to consume the time. Parents have to do their best, and also include time for themselves or they will have a broken marriage & thus and eventually a broken family.
We are still here, pulling for you. This is not easy for anyone in this situation.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
