Wife wants to separate at end of school year

[2ltl2lt]

Bhuda,

In the beginning of my ordeal I was snooping W phone while she was asleep and found some texts to friends saying that she wanted to wait until the end of the school year to separate. So I can relate to your sitch. In my case, as soon as I found out she was going out with OM I didn't say anything just gathered up all her stuff from the MBR and put it in the spare room. The next day I asked her to move out. I didn't do this out of anger but rather to protect myself and our kids. Not trying to suggest that you do this, it was just my experience.

I actually did this before I knew about DBing and WW and it turns out that this is the advice we get from Sandi.

[Bhuda1]

As each day passes I become more worried that no matter how well I follow the DB guidelines, the further apart my wife and I are drifting. It's so hard for me to not show her any affection. I know if I do it will continue to push her away.

I decided that part of met GAL was to become the best me I can be. I recently joined a gym but felt I needed an extra push to become a better man. I weighed the options and decided that hiring a personal trainer will jump start my transition and get me on the fast track to become healthy and more attractive.

I also want to become more attractive on the inside. How can I do this when we don't really talk.

Another aspect of my situation is the fact that the man whom I believe is having an emotional affair(possibly physical) with my wife, has a son who is on the same hockey team as my oldest boy. I deliberately avoid all contact with him. I keep my distance because I have absolutely no desire to talk to him or even be near him. He always seems to gravitate to my wife. When I see him approach I find something else to do or some other parents who are not nearby to talk to. I can honestly say I have never hated any one until this realization came to fruition.

Am I doing the right thing. I think it makes me look somewhat childish. I am sure my wife has noticed but has not confronted me about my lack of socializing with the OM and his spouse. The thing that baffles me is his wife has no clue. She may also be in the group with her husband while conversing with my wife. I refuse to put up a false appearance and be near him. Any suggestions?

I refuse to give up. I believe our marriage can be saved. My wife is so focused on the problems and has never tried to work on solutions. I know I can't bring up the R in our limited conversations. It's just so frustrating that I have things to say that I think should be said. I have less than 6 months to prove my worth to my wife. I think I'm failing.

[Bhuda1]

Had my first workout with my personal trainer yesterday. I am very sore today. Next workout is tomorrow morning.

My wife told me today she is having lunch with a friend on Sunday, whom she had discussion with about our marriage situation. I think this friend is very nice and I like her. My problem with her meeting this friend is I think it will be a b*tch session about each others spouses.

This friend has been divorced once and is having marriage problems with her new husband. You can understand my concern about my wife confiding in someone who has a bad track record with marriage.

Should I mention my concern about her having discussions about our relationship with someone who has their own marriage troubles. If so, I was thinking of phrasing it like this. " I like (insert name), and I think she is a great person, however, I do not think she is the right person to discuss our marital issues with based on her failed marriage and her present situation."

Will this come across as persuing? Will I come across as insecure? Please advise?

[sandi2]

Should I mention my concern about her having discussions about our relationship with someone who has their own marriage troubles. If so, I was thinking of phrasing it like this. " I like (insert name), and I think she is a great person, however, I do not think she is the right person to discuss our marital issues with based on her failed marriage and her present situation."

Will this come across as persuing? Will I come across as insecure? Please advise?

I think it would sound "controlling" to her. She is showing her lack of respect by having an EA with OM, so she's not going to respect you enough to abide by your wishes of not discussing the MR. That's what most women do anyway, is talk about whatever is going on in their life with their friends.

Looking back at your dating history and her being attracted to another man during that time, seems to me, like a pattern with her. If so, you could pull up stakes and move from the neighbor....only for her to find a new OM and have a new EA. She may be pursuing the neighbor, since she is the pursuing type. The problem lies with her and not the other guy, IMHO.

Back to the subject of boundaries, I just wanted to make sure you understood that that subject is not to be discussed with your W. I know that may seem difficult to digest. You don't go in to her and say something like, "Now W, I think we should discuss boundaries and I want to tell you what some of mine will be, and you can tell me what yours will be". When you decide what your boundaries will be, don't go down the list telling her what they are. If you see her dishonoring your personal boundary or the MR boundary, then you state it to her in a matter-of-fact manner. No discussions, no negotiations, it is your boundary and she either honors it or you will respond to that dishonor in a way that will be consequential to her.

I will warn you that when a nice-guy has allowed his WW to go for a length of time disrespecting him, and then he stands up for himself and establishes his boundaries, she may not respond positively in the beginning. In fact, I would dare say that she'll test you to see if you really will stand behind what you say. If you stick to your word, it will either get back the respect in her, or you will move on from the R you have now. If you don't stick to it, then it's not effective. If there are no consequences, it's not effective. That is what a boundary is all about. Boundaries and requests differentiate b/c one has consequences and one doesn't.

So, moving on here. Your W is having an EA, maybe even PA with this neighbor. If you question her, she may or may not deny it, but the majority of WW's will use the old excuse of just being friends. Whatever she says, it comes down to her making a choice, just like you had her do before you entered into M with her. If you had continued to have a dating R with her while she was wanting that other guy on the side.....how long/how far do you think it would have gone on? I'm saying this is the same situation, only it's worse b/c you are suppose to be committed to a MR, and you have children together. If this is not stopped once and for all, it will continue down through the years, and surely you don't want to go through this again. Thing is, she respected how you handled that situation during the dating, but she's not respecting you so much now. Yes, you have more to lose now, which should call for a stronger stance.

It boils down to her respect for you. She's not feeling the loving emotions, b/c she has to respect you, first. That is why moving away from the neighbor is not a permanent fix to the problem.

As for your boys, I understand you wanting to protect their future. Either way (continuing as you are, moving, or S/D), it is going to affect them. Most of your life is dedicated to the boys' activities. That's fine, only in today's rushed world, we see so many couples drifting apart b/c there is not time for just the two of them. If there is more than one child in sports....it seems to consume the time. Parents have to do their best, and also include time for themselves or they will have a broken marriage & thus and eventually a broken family.

We are still here, pulling for you. This is not easy for anyone in this situation.

[Flight]

We talk a lot abuot respect and lack thereof. I am curious how one can explain having "respect" for the affair partner. This person didn't respect their marriage, the marriage of the person they are cheating with, or their families. How can they respect that person and therefore be attracted to them?

[sandi2]

We talk a lot abuot respect and lack thereof. I am curious how one can explain having "respect" for the affair partner. This person didn't respect their marriage, the marriage of the person they are cheating with, or their families. How can they respect that person and therefore be attracted to them?

She doesn't respect the AP as a H or family man. There is something about him that is attractive to her basic female being. In my own case, the OM was not as good looking as my H, but I was attracted to his "power" (or what I saw as being powerful). He seem to be everything my H wasn't at that time........and especially the areas I had lost respect for my H as a man.

Whereas M is built on respect, trust, and love.........affairs are built on the taboo of desire and sexual pleasures outside the boundaries of M, selfishness, unmet needs, secrets, unfaithfulness, high emotions, jealousy, and especially fantasy. It is not a matter of respect, b/c it isn't real love, it's fake. In the stories that described the OM, the WW usually chooses "down" from her H, instead of choosing a man that would be an improvement. So, how could she really respect OM? The "fog" and the mindset of the WW, amazingly, covers up a lot. When I started coming out of the fog, I could see OM more clearly for what he was, instead of being what I wanted him to be.

[Bhuda1]

I am approaching my wits end. Some days I feel I am making progress and other days I want to throw in the towel and finally want to tell her to leave. I know I have to think about what is best for my boys no matter how frustrated and mad I get at the present situation.

I find I am becoming short tempered and getting upset with my children a lot easier than in the past. I regroup and apologize to my boys after I fly off the handle and scold my boys for little mistakes and poor judgement.

I want so much for things to work out and am disgusted with who I have become. My wife treats me like a doormat. I sit back and take it. How does this show self confidence and security. I don't know if she is deliberately pushing my buttons, or if her lack of respect towards me is her way of forcing me to leave.

I know that if I initiate conversation about the R will be persuing, and in the past I would be quiet. It would be a 180 to state that I expect to be treated as she would like to be treated. What should I do? Do I stay quiet and continue to be the wimp she had gotten used to?

[Zues126]

I just quoted this earlier, I think it was the best I've been able to say it. Be the man you're supposed to be. Avoid cake-eating, don't be a doormat, have boundaries...but don't be nasty, cold, controlling...be a strong leader, starting with you and your life. That is a start. What is your mission statement, your game plan you will observe regardless of how you feel that moment?

You don't want to tell him F off and let's get divorced, that's not what you want. You don't want to tell him you'll put up with this indefinitely, that's not what you want either. You don't want to spend time and mental energy trying everything under the sun hoping that some day he treats you like a human being, because you can't win that game. And you don't want to get cold and withdraw and use this to justify being resentful and distant because that's not the person you want to be and that won't help either.

Wow. I can see why you feel like you're out of options.

What I try to do is break this down into two parts:

1. What do you want to say?
2. How do you communicate this without saying it (actions not words)?

I think you're still struggling to figure out what you want to say. If you can't figure what you're trying to communicate, then you will be coming across as very inconsistent, and you will be very conflicted as you continue to wrestle with the same things. That's why I'm a believer in a mission statement, something you can use to guide all of your actions and responses.

For example, if your mission statement was this: I am not prepared to get divorced, or give up on my H or my marriage, but nor am I prepared to play a game I can't win, and I'm not going to be resentful and withdrawn...so my mission is to figure out in my mind what I feel a good wife would do for her husband, and I will do my best to do that without expectation of any positive responses...I will sort my feelings out in ways that doesn't impact my commitments to my H...with the only exception being that I will have clear boundaries that when he crosses I will withdraw from TEMPORARILY, then proceed to be loving again in our next interaction...and I will work with IC to sift for the grain of truth behind his spew and help process the pain of my unmet needs, help clarify those boundaries, and help with personal growth and other goals that will allow me to enjoy the rest of my life.

That's a lot of words, but it's a complicated situation. But from that perspective, when he spews via text you can say to yourself "ok, that hurts, I can't win this game. OK, that's fine. I knew I can't, I need to take a deep breath, let go of my expectations, and have a moment of silence for my unmet needs. Now then, does this cross a specific boundary I set? If so, I will need to communicate that and terminate this exchange. I will continue to do what I believe a good wife should, and our next exchange we can start fresh. If he didn't violate a clear boundary then I will put the emotional pain on a shelf for a minute, respond in a way that *I* feel good about, and pat myself on the back since he isn't about to. Then I will take a moment after it all to sit with my hurt, validate my own feelings, and make some mental notes for my next IC to understand where I can grow."

Your brain will keep wanting to go to 'what happens if I do all of this and nothing changes, can I put up with this forever, can I really live my entire life like this', etc, etc. You just have to let that go and find joy in being a strong woman in a tough spot. It won't be like this forever. Have faith.

[Bhuda1]

My mission statement. I do not want my marriage to end. I will be strong and be the man I can be happy with. I will better myself emotionally, physically and mentally. My actions will be thought out, analyzed and all options clearly considered before following through on any action I take regarding my marriage, my business and my life in general.

My kids are my focus. No matter what happens I wil do my best to make what ever situation arises easier for my kids to handle.

I will not let my wife and her actions deter me from completing my mission. I wil treat my wife how I expect to be treated no matter how she tries to degrade me, belittle me or purposely tries to push my buttons. I wil be cordial but will not let her be the cake eater any longer. No more doormat. If she wrongs me,
I will not accept it. I will bring my concern to the forefront and not dwell on the relationship but will focus on the present circumstance in an upfront and precise manner.

I will be the man she deserves no matter how resentful she becomes. My focus will be me and my children. I deserve respect and will earn it.

[rich4j]

That is great!

I concur with you on your mission statement and love it. I know its hard to follow and all of this feels counter-intuitive.

In the same boat and struggling but my WAW is sprinting for Divorce. She is angry and seems to be turning up the bitterness. I sense this happens with W or H when they want to leave as they are voicing years or months of frustration.

Focus on the kids and be the best you can be with them. Dont let the situation get to them with temper....been there...done that. It is my #1 focus and it is hard. Took the daughter sledding today even though I could barely move after shoveling 3 feet of snow...have to spend quality time with your kids!