My new thread 1

[Tyler12]

I started reading Dr. Just hit chapter three and I am feeling better already.

I know previous comments by me were angry and venting. It's because I saw little changes in W and then expected more. Each day isn't going to be like that. No expectations. Yesterday was a good day and a blessing. Today was a good day too. She texted me saying I took chicken out for supper tonight.
I responded with ok. Did you have plans for it. ( as last time I just got home and started making something and she got upset because she had plans for it).
She said ya I planned on baking it
Me. Sounds great. Anything I can do to help out?
She gave me instructions on how to start it as I would be home first. There was a little talk of what else to have with the chicken and that was that

Then she was going out after supper. Also fine. That's when I started getting suspicious and her actions affected me. I made assumptions. I let it bug me. I grew angry and I let it get the best of me.
I have to make the small changes to save this. I have to chose what to do going forward.

[Tyler12]

In reading goals I see that for me I have to stop being so concerned over what she is doing and her being in her phone. Not because it angers me but because it effecTs me in a negative way. I don't like being angry and resentful.

[vise82]

Hey Tyler,

You are correct on the phone use, if she is just doing her thing and you do your thing, nothing you can do. If you are doing something together, then that is a boundary you and establish as it rude for her to be on her phone while you eat for example. The consequence would be you stop eating with her if she continues.

For me my W was always on her phone ever since cell phones came out. Its so isolating and my kids complain if she is with them and she cant put it down.

[Tyler12]

Yes vise I agree.
I am setting these boundaries and she sees it as controlling and being a ass. Eating supper is my biggest pet peeve. Put it away while we are eating! I have said several times can you leave it while we eat?
I also have found if we are talking and she picks it up for any reason I walk away. She 9/10 puts it down and engages me again.

[Mona52]

In reading goals I see that for me I have to stop being so concerned over what she is doing and her being in her phone. Not because it angers me but because it effecTs me in a negative way. I don't like being angry and resentful.

Bingo! Stop doing this. Not to save your M. Not to manipulate her into believing you are this or that, but because it angers you. Focus on what makes you happy. Become a happy guy only a fool would leave.

I can also give you some advice from her perspective. My H constantly expected me to clean up financial messes. He created HUGE messes throughout our M. He would throw a letter from the IRS in my direction like it was nothing. I would open it and see we would owe a couple thousand, and he would go out that night and spend 80 bux on a bottle of cologne for himself. I would say, "They will shut off the electric if we dont do x,y, and z" He would not do it and he would just expect me to fix it. I built up years and years and years of resentment.

The day I kicked him out I have been watching him to see if he fails financially. Your W may watch you as closely. I suggest you read about budgeting and money. Not just for your M, although, you showing responsibility in this area will definitely help, but do it for you. You will be amazed how your life changes with a budget that includes a savings account.

[Tyler12]

Thanks Mona. I have been looking at focusing on financial planning a bit.
There is going to be a much different dynamic to R soon as she is leaving. I feel like she won't see any changes I make. However I need to see them and do them. Regardless of if she sees them or not. It's just difficult having no expectations of this except within myself. It's been a long time since I tried to better myself and though if only me and kids In a positive way.

[Tyler12]

As I worked through my anger and frustration last night I realized I had had a bad day before that. School was tough that day am I had struggled to grasp what I learned. It frustrated me and her going out tipped it towards anger at her. I was mad she did herself up to go out with friends. And it was not OM as she was home early and she would have been out a lot longer. Also she was on the phone when she walked in and went down to her room. The Last Friday I went out with a couple buddies and I got dolled up too. I showered and shaved and dressed nice and put on cologne. So judging her for getting ready to go out was hypocritical of me. Learning slowly. Not to let her actions makes negative.

[Tyler12]

Wondering if anyone has advice on what to do with myself on the day W moves out. Being away from house isn't an option as kids will be there. How do I show I care without pursuing? How do I not pursue without being indifferent and cold?

Second on top of focusing on myself what do I do once she is gone? I guess people will say. All you need is to focus on self. It just seems like I should try something more

[G8r]

Hi Tyler12. Stopped by to show you a bit of support. Unfortunately I don't have any ideas for you. Maybe you and your kids could do some type of project together like paint a mural on the wall or make some type of fancy meal from scratch. I'll be I terested in hearing what you do.

[Tyler12]

So sorting through things we are splitting. Not the funniest time. Not getting mad at anything. Just tough. She is easily agitated.
I had to laugh cause I thought. Hey. Now I have less stuff and clutter now!