Ugghhh, have I mentioned this is hard?

[SciDad]

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Stumbling or moving forward?

Even with all my GAL, it's been a rough week for me. I've been crazy with work and attacking my GAL, but I made the horrible mistake of looking over my shoulder to assess how my wife is doing. And I didn't like what I saw. I won't sugar-coat this - I am losing hope.

She was a complete mess. Physically suffering, mentally suffering, always tired. And distant. Oh so distant. I realize that WW live on a pendulum of emotions - as happy as she is with me one day, I can almost guarantee that she'll snap as far toward disdain. My goal with GAL and detaching is to provide a buffer so that her swings don't mess with me as much. So I don't get as puppy-dog excited when she pats me on the head or feel panicked when she stays late at work.

If you asked me earlier this week I would have said it was working - I was feeling detached and happy. But after over a week of her pulling away, I'm still waiting for her to come back around to me. I know it's only been a week, but after seeing so much progress I'm now devastated because it feels like we're backsliding into the pit we were in before. So no, I don't have this detachment thing down yet.

Possible triggers? She's been late from work every day this week. Late enough on Monday that I was convinced she was with OM. I didn't check or ask or pursue. It didn't even really bother me that night. It's her life and she can screw it up however she wants. But the next day I felt the need to swing by her work on the way home and her car was still in the parking lot. Same yesterday. So maybe she's not with him, but she's not super interested in being with me either. And I'm pi$$ed at myself for needing to check where she was. Detachment? I know thee not.

Yesterday she wanted to show me something on her phone, and I saw a notification from the app she used to chat with the OM. I felt like I got punched in the gut. I didn't want to, but I asked her about it. She laughed it off and said she used it to talk with other friends. I'm pretty sure that was a lie, but it was late and I was making dinner. I wanted to talk more about it with her, or at least look at her contacts to see if she had other friends using the app but 1) she fell asleep too early and 2) I wasn't sure that was the best course of action. I am debating if I should ask to look at her phone in the next few days - not because I expect to see contact with the OM (she knows how to delete posts), but to check her story of using it for other people.

So with that as a backdrop, I am trying to hit my GAL hard. Moving forward, I will make plans with the kids to get them out of the house. She can come with, but we will go whether she is there or not. My kids are my life, and I want to strengthen our bonds as much as possible before any potential divorce.

I will go to a church this Sunday. Don't know which one, but I will start shopping. I need to expand my friendship circle, and this seems like a good way to meet "safe" people while also meeting an unfulfilled need for spirituality. This will be a solo trip, unless my wife really wants to come with. I will frame it by saying "I am going to check out church X this weekend." I will not ask her if she wants to come with (although if she asks to come she is welcome)