After my fun Saturday in which H joined me to ski (new, fun, happy me), H called Sunday morning on his way up to ski (he has a pass) to see if I was going. I had thought I might go, ski a bit, then watch my favorite football team play an early game in the bar. I told him it would not be cost effective for me to pay for a day of skiing to only do a few runs, so I would watch at home. He agreed with "I didn't want to tell you what to do, but I was going to bring that up." We both seem to be trying to quiet our inner control freaks. Plus I had over booked activities. We chatted a bit then I ended the call.
Next day I got a call from him saying he was on his way out to get the stuff we loaded up Saturday. I looked at the time and said he might miss me as I would have to leave for work. He sounded slightly upset when he said, "no! I will be there 10 min before you leave...I get to see you, right?" Hmmmm.
All went well, nothing big. Had communication later about returning truck.
I have been reading a great book on listening. I am becoming a much better listener. I apparently was horrible and it affected my entire life. It probably started with me being a SAHM. I had very little contact with adults each day and when H came home, I talked and talked and talked when all he wanted was space to decompress from a stressful day. All of my bad habits are in this book, as are all of his responses. But I'm getting better, and seeing changes in how other people respond to me, including H.
Due to what I'm learning, I know that I now have some new goals to work on.
1) I have a penchant for wordiness and details (anyone on my thread knows that). When talking to people, think first, then summarize stories. Short and sweet.
2)Listen to the speaker without judging or thinking of a response, a similar story, a piece of advice, or when it will be my turn to talk...just listen.
3) When listening, make eye contact, stop doing whatever I was doing, face the speaker, give them full attention.
4) Show you are listening with short affirming words and phrases (mmhmm, yes, I see), mirroring for confirmation of understanding (so you're sayin that...), or by asking a few non judging questions to clarify or encorage the speaker to go on.
5)I'm an emotionally reactive person, so another goal is to try to focus on the speaker and what they are saying (especially H) and not let my emotions dictate any response. Actively suppress MY feelings while they are talking and focus on what THEY might be feeling.
I am still choosing happy. Trying to show people I appreciate having them in my life ...daily. Reaching out to those I took for granted or actively felt ill will toward, and forgiving them. I can't read minds, so I refuse to assume the motivations of others is of a negative nature. This is a HUGE step for me. I believe most people are not evil, so therefore I refuse to treat their actions as evilly intended. They can be selfish, ignorant, or distracted so therefore I can cut them some slack, be understanding, and forgive.
Positive thoughts, grace, strength, and patience. Goals in a nutshell.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
