Back on these forums again 6

[JellyB]

It's like you live in my head Mona. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. Let that Freak Flag Fly my sweet.

JellyBxxx

[JellyB]

I still suffer from impostor syndrome, allot.

I need a way to get through on my own. I used my H because he was the only person who knew my plate and all I did. I do not want my H. What I need is a way to get what he gave me. He said I am capable, so I believed him. I say I am capable, and I cant believe it. Other people say I am capable and it gives me pain to hear it. I can hold my degree in my hand and still not believe I should be considered a college grad.

I have been musing on the above for the last month Mona. When I say that I don't know how to live my life. I really don't. But the idea of living a better, bigger, lighter, funner (is that a word- idk, could be) for a partner, to attract a new man to have a relationship seems like the prefect motivation to live life. Why do I need the comfort and motivation of a partner to live my life? To feel capable, to feel reassured that what I am doing and how I am doing it. For the loving applause.

Hmmmm co-dependency in it's most destructive form. So here I am committed to finding myself as my own motivation. Hmmmmm stuck.

Let me know what insight you find with IC. I would be happy to hear it.

Much Love Mona

JellyBxxx

[ARose]

JB and Mona, you are both amazing, strong, compassionate women who I am proud to have in my life. I wish I had the wisdom and knowledge to give you some guidance or support but I don't. Just sending you thoughts of love and thanking you for being who you are. You don't realize it, but just being who you are is enough.

[Vanilla]

OK observe it, add a funny voice, tune it out.

Here is mine

V you didn't collect the parcel, it might be important, it might be your very best client, you won't get the work done, you will lose the client, then you go bankrupt. My goodness what a failure.
Oh and by the way you didn't bank the cheques, you forgot your gym shoes. You are so stupid.

When will you get organised.

Look at you in that gym mirror, snobby, out of condition, who do you think you are to come to the gym.......

We all do it!

I could say to myself, V you rang three clients today to get promise of payment. You ate well. You lifted better and spin cycled faster.

I could when I remember.

V

[Mona52]

I'm trying V and I think I can do it. I am looking at this stupid PC that I already fixed. It is 100% done. My friend Ron will not have to pay someone over $100 to do this for him. Not only did I fix his issue, but i got rid of a few issues he did not know he had.

Now when I look at the PC, I still hear my mind screaming at me. Ron and Josie are going to start this little PC (laptop) at the bar on Friday. They are going to point and laugh and tell everyone how stupid I am because I said I could fix the pc and it is ruined. Everyone will look at me as I am, a liar and stupid.

I never told Ron I could fix it. He heard what I do for a living and gave it to me to try. In reality, he does not EXPECT me to fix it. He has absolutely no idea that this repair is something very simple for me.

Okay, so I can overcome the idiot in my head by trying your technique. I can sort of see that it is lying because I can see that the PC works fine. But my brain still attacks, only in a different way.

This is so stupid, you wont understand. But It will be stressful if the computer does not work, but not half as stressful if the computer DOES work and he is happy. What if he starts it up and is very pleased. What if he tells anyone else in the group he is pleased? What if he and Josie say thank you?

That i cant handle more than if it did not work. It is so stressful that I dont even want to go on Friday. People will see I can fix a computer.


So V, I can easily place a funny voice on the idiot in my head telling me that I am not capable. Especially since the stupid thing is fixed. (And I have my phone now, the object that started my avalanche and no emergencies were missed). It works great. So my mind flipped the tables on me and now I am stressing about everything being OK.

I think I should point out that for me to have so many balls in the air, stress and anxiety are constant companions. I can pick myself up and function as needed even if I am extremely scared of something. I also cant stay low for long. Since the first go-around with DB'ing, my PMA is like freaking helium. So I struggle with my brain always giving me doom and gloom, but I can still joke and be happy and ignore my brain as needed. If I make too many mistakes, I go under, but I dont allow that to happen often.

I also try and keep myself as busy as possible, so my brain cant hurt me. The distraction works and raises mt PMA. So I may sound sad today, but I am not very sad. It is just an internal struggle.

[mutatio]

I find keeping myself busy is healthy way to pause my mind. I was just coming by to say hello. Be well Mona

[Mona52]

Morning lovlies! I just looked at my to-do list today and it feels kinda impossible so I thought I would hop on here and untangle some thoughts before I go.

It is only Thursday, which means I have another day of this before I am out with friends. I can do one more day, right? What a change, 3 months ago, my job was a huge source of enjoyment for me. Sometimes I would get so into my code that my boss would have to knock on my door and let me know I had to go home for the kids now . (That is kinda normal in IT, not just me).

Now I am actually watching the clock when it gets close to Friday. Thursdays are LONG. But today wont be long. I have a ton, I do mean ton of things to get done. Plus, since my birthday was over the break, my co-workers are taking me out for a belated long lunch at a nice Mexican restaurant, and I also scheduled my IC appointment in for today immediately after lunch.

I have a big meeting this afternoon that I am not prepared for, and I wont have time to prepare after lunch.

I have at the minimum, 4 hours of school studying to do for my exam that is in the next week.

I have 3 chapters from one manuscript and 6 from another for the publisher I would like to finish before the weekend.

Oh, and since they are paying me, I should do some actual work while I am at work today.

I just found out one of my servers are down... Great... I can fix that while still doing my other things, it is just annoying for me and horrid for the poor users.

One distracting that is nagging at me is I have a feeling something is coming. Something good and big and life changing is coming my way. I imagine it will be a new guy, but I just have this feeling like I should be preparing in some way.

See... easily distracted! Better make a list to stricktly follow:


1. Prepare for meeting AND get the down server back up.

2. Peek at one or 2 threads here to make sure peeps are OK.

3. Work on help desk tickets for database. 53 tickets are waiting, do this for an hour.

4. Peek at one or 2 threads here to make sure peeps are ok.

5. 2 hours of school work while finishing tickets.

6. Peek at one or 2 threads here to make sure peeps are ok.

7. Lunch

8. IC

9. 1 hour of school work while finishing to prepare for meeting

10 meeting

11. Peek at one or 2 threads here to make sure peeps are ok.

12. 4 chapters for publisher

13. Peek at one or 2 threads here to make sure peeps are ok.

14. School work and project for the alumni office to finish the day.

OKAY! Now I feel better. I can do this no problem! I love this board sometimes.

[Gmum]

Mona, you are awesome.

Regarding your inability to receive compliments, I'm kinda the same way. Do you think you are scared of succeeding?

Trust your gut, something wonderful is happening for you.

[Mona52]

Jelly! I have some thoughts. (Everyone should probably duck when I say those words)

So Jelly, I was sitting with IC. I was trying to describe to her about my anxiety with the computer. What if they are happy? That is a very scary thought for me. The reason is I feel I do not deserve praise.

Okay, it hit me on how to overcome this. First, start with V's voice. Make any internal criticism funny. That will blow away things that are not real. When I am left with being unable to take a compliment, transfer the compliment to my daughter.

So I will picture my beautiful daughter dropping this PC off. I am picturing what I would expect them to say to her. If I were looking at my D I would feel proud and very happy she was able to fix this for him. If he did not thank her, I would be offended.

Now transfer back to me. Yes, I can take a thank you. It still feels wrong and bad and painful. But I can see a way that, with practice, I can reduce the anxiety I feel and maybe someday I can accept a compliment about my capabilities. (maybe)

4 months ago, I did not even realize I had these issues. I thought I would feel the way I felt for the rest of my life. I did not even realize there was a better way to feel. Now I can clearly see my issue and can see tools to help me resolve them.

Crap... Jelly, word of warning... DONT overthink it. For example, if I were to use someone like Mother Teresa in place of my daughter, the whole experiment fails, because of course she did not want praise. That is where we need to separate the guilt piled on from being raised Catholic. We do things out of pure love, not for reward. Gah.... it keeps getting more tangled. I know my mind would find a way to take this tiny piece of happiness away from me.

scr3w it, I wont allow my mind to do this. I can put ANYONE in there. I can picture JELLY getting the praise. She definitely deserves it!

[Mona52]

Thanks Gmum! I am terrified of succeeding, but I am pushing forward anyway and I will get less scared every day now!