Thanks everyone for stopping by. I had a great New Year’s Eve at my sister’s. All our kids were there and my son’s GF, and also my BIL (H’s brother.)
I want to go back a little and reply to some of your posts.
Heather, thank you for your concern. The money is my payments for the invoice for the work that I’ve done outside of my regular job. All paid invoices are deposited to our business account, and we pay ourselves according to what we put in. I just agreed to not to pay myself out of the company until H gets his invoices paid. He will need some operating expenses covered before that happens. I’m confident that I will get my money at the end.
Job, I agree with this:
Originally Posted By: job
He'll never grow up if you continue to bail him out of his situations. He needs to be a man and call those people up for the monies that he is owed.
I guess I just still care too much. Leaving my money in the account is not doing any harm to me. I have my regular job pay and it covers all my living expenses. I see what you are saying though, and at some point I will need to leave him to take care of himself.
bttrfly, thanks your thoughts. I have been thinking what I want to manifest this year. It is taking a pretty good shape, I think.
FY, you are right, I haven’t done this before, I mean after the BD. Before the BD we were in it together, so the money was used out of the company account for whatever needs at the moment. As a matter of fact, H bought a bucket truck for cash (we could not get a good financing on it, because it was used and bought in a different state), and it was mostly my money from my consulting work at that time. He would not be able to buy that truck without me contributing to the company.
We do go red with company finances to avoid paying corporate taxes. This why at the end of the year we take almost all the money from the account. Last year, H had some invoices that were coming in right after the 1st of the year, so he was ok. This year, is a different story.
I don’t know if this step would hurt or help in a possible reconciliation. I didn’t even think about it. All I know that if the company would show any income, we would have to pay back taxes and penalties, and we would also have to pay quarterly estimated tax this year (2016), regardless if we would make any money or not. These taxed would also reduce my payments, I we would have to share the expenses on this.
Yes, we are still legally married and co-owners of the company, so any implications would affect us both.But, I also think you are into something here… Just read the updated on other thread about how MLCers only remember how they were treated. So, I guess H might remember that I treated him good, fare and didn’t try to make him fail. I don’t know. Time will show.
On another note. My neighbor came to my house and we had a little dinner and some wine. I asked her if she saw H the other day when he came over to the house. She didn’t. I told her that the postal lady (the one who told me last time after H’s visit that he looks happy) was delivering the mail right at the same time when H pulled into the driveway. I’ve heard them talking outside. So, I and my neighbor joked about postal lady making this comment to me again.
My neighbor is the one who went with me to the vacation home a couple of times, and then went there with her family. She knows my story. I told her what transpired that morning a couple of days ago, and about the storage trunk. She told me that it looks like H has not truly moved on yet, since he still keeps his stuff in my house, and it looked like he used an excuse with this trunk to keep his toe in the water. She said that when she D’s her ex, she wanted to take everything out of the house and not leave anything behind, even though it was painful for her. D was her initiative to get out of the abusive marriage. It took her 5 years to start dating again.
She thinks that H’s behavior is bizarre. She also told me that she thinks that he is going through some soul searching and just doesn’t know what he wants to be yet. So, in a way, he is not doing anything in terms of D because he still needs some time to sort himself out and understand what he truly wants. Wow, it’s like she was reading MLC books. The conversation was so comforting to me. She is the one who always tells me that I need to do what I feel is right for me. She never tells me that I need to move on or cut the ties off. She understands that everyone has her/his own process and timeline.
So far, I’ve been feeling pretty optimistic about this new year. I feel like the train is starting to move and I hope it will pick up the speed as year progresses. I think I’ve made peace with the possibility that H will continue to do what he’s being doing and might never come out of this funk. But, I need to keep going.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Happy New Year to you too, Gwen and Lou! Thanks for stopping by!
We had an entire week of storms and rain and thunderstorms, and flush floods, and even tornado warning in a couple of areas, which is extremely unusual. There was a power outage in my area for a couple of nights. We do need some rain here, but I’m so ready for some sunshine. I tend to get depressed when I don’t see the sun for a while. It looks like we are going to have a few nice days here.
Today my son came to take down the Christmas lights from the outside of the house. I took off the decorations from the tree and he carried it to the curb. It was a fairly tall tree and I would have a hard time dragging it outside. I’m so grateful that I have a son who comes to help me with things. After it all was taken care off, we had dinner that I cooked. His GF came as well. We has a nice dinner and a good time.
After they left, I cleaned up. I looked at my house and realized that the stress of the holidays is over and it is back to “normal”. I can’t really explain the feeing thought… I like the holidays, but I think that they always have this element of pain since after the BD. I don’t know if it is ever going to be different.
I feel like I’m ready to put all the pain behind me, but I cannot. After H’s visit right before the New Year’s Eve, I was thinking that I could use some break and go on with my life. I forgot to mention that I’ve got a text from H on the New Year’s Eve telling me that my mutual friend from Mexico was trying to call me. I noticed the missed call on my phone. And in H’s text he was telling me that she would calling me on his phone. I replied that I would be paying attention to my phone so I don’t miss the call. Then she called. She wished me a happy New Year, we chatted for a bit. I understood that they were in the same company with H on New Year’s Eve. I didn’t really made anything out of it until I got a text from H a couple of days ago asking me to send him a company file because he needed to pay his Visa bill.
WTF! Why he didn’t pay it before the end of the year. He was not doing any more expenses. He knew that. Why this extra “trouble”??? Then I thought about our last interruption when he wanted me to cut him his paycheck. He could have done it himself when he was at the vacation home and then deposited it when he came to across the border for the football game. There was not need to come to my house for that!
All of a sudden I was thinking that H is finding things to contact me about and I actually don’t want H to bother me right now. I’m tired… I want some quite time with no contact and not knowing what H is up to. So, I’m kind of annoyed that H keeps contacting me. I know I will get an advice to put a stop to all of these. I don’t know if I’m ready to do it myself, but I wish I would have less contact from H right now. I don’t know what it is. I’m going to feel it and leave through it, and hopefully I will get some clarity. Is what “dropping the rope” feels like? Or, is this because this whole situation is not moving in any direction, either to D or to R, one way or another? Do I need to borrow some patience showers from other folks here? Do I still need to see this through, or am I done? Thing to think about…
Oh, and another thing… I was clearing the plies of mail that accumulated over the holidays. Mostly junk mail that I get for me, H and my son. Lucky me. It is like if somebody lived in your house at some point, and they moved out, the junk mail just never stops… So, I found an envelope for H from DMV. I always open these, because I want to make sure that it something that needs to gets addressed on a timely manner and not sit at my house for a couple of month until I feel like I can mail it to H, LOL. It was H’s new driver’s license. Hahaha! His driver’s license still has my address on it. Hilarious! I am contemplating whether to ask H where he wants this mail to be sent to, or wait for him to enquire about it
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I always have a big let down feeling after Christmas. Christmas is this big build up and once the day is over, you look around at all of the decorations, the shredded wrapping paper and shake your head. Retail starts the Christmas season in August in my area and it's too my hype. People need to find a way to get back to the basics and enjoy family and friends and not so much about the gifts, i.e., spending.
I'm glad your son came to assist you w/getting the lights down and dragging the tree to the curb.
As for you h, dropping the rope and/or detachment is not having a lot of contact w/them and living your life. In your case, dropping the rope would mean that he would need to learn to cut checks for himself and just let you know that he's done so, just as well as sending files and his mail to him. You aren't ready to do that, however, it sounds like he looks at you as his mother or business partner and expects you to drop everything and do what he asks.
As for his driver's license. My xh kept the address the same for almost 3 years. The only thing that he changed was his credit card address. His insurance, driver's license, etc. all came to my house. He even gave his new car insurance company my home telephone number and we had been divorced well over 2 years. How do I know this? They called looking for him to discuss his coverage on a new vehicle. The agent was quite surprised when I told her he didn't live there and the residence phone was unlisted/unpublished and to remove it from his account. Many of them keep the home address as a link to their pasts. Others just forget about changing it and then we have to track them down, i.e., like mother's and remind them to change the address. The same goes for the mail. One day, you'll get sick of playing the gatekeeper for his mail and doing other things for him. However, you are getting closer to that time...but you aren't there yet.
I would advise him that you have received his new license. He may not remember it and get pulled over for something and require it. This is one thing that I wouldn't hold out on.
I'm glad you survived the storms. They were pretty nasty out your way.
I, too, noticed that the edit button is gone again. They were having some issues last week and I guess it disappeared.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, job. We actually didn’t do much gifts for the holidays, and I did have some family and friends time. Still, it was sad that H was not part of it…
I texted him tonight that I received his drivers license in the mail and asked him which address he wanted it to be forwarded to. So far I have crrrricckets… He might be partying with the friends, or having a meltdown, or forgot his phone, or… whatever… He probably also doesn’t know what he is doing in the next couple of weeks. He mentioned that he would be going back to work, but who knows… He also might be having some tough times, as his b-day is coming up this month… And, oh boy… he is going to be another year “OLDER”. And… after 3 ½ years after he wanted to start a new phase of his life, it is still not starting, LOL. Or… he met a love of his life and just cannot bother to reply to silly texts about his driving license (I doubt it though.)
BTW, his license arrived some time ago, I can’t remember if it was before the NY or right after. I kind of forgot about it. His mail is not a priority for me anymore, I might become a very bad gatekeeper for his mail, LOL.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
of course you're tired, you've been through a lot with this man for the past 3 1/2 years. That's a long time to stand. Ok to need a bit of a break! xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hey, bttrfly, you are exactly right! I need a break.
Did not hear from H yesterday or today regarding my text about his driver’s license. Started to worry today if he was alive, LOL. So, I waited until after the State of the Union speech (I know H would be watching, this is something we always shared – we were on the same side in the politics) and texted him “Hi H, just want to make sure you received my text yesterday”. And what do ya know… He replied right away “Actually just got it. Let me think about it. Thank you”. Right!!! That’s what I thought… he just got it… Can’t wait what the “verdict” is… Is he coming personally to pick it up? I would think it is important enough to warrant the trip. And… I hope there will be a room in the car for the storage trunk this time!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Haven’t heard from H today. I guess he is still thinking where he wants his driver’s license to be mailed to. I think there might be some deeper depression there right now. I was doing some bank account stuff online and checked H’s account too (it is linked to our joint account that is still there and where he transfers money for the condo every month.) There are a couple of checks for the HOA and golf fee for the condo. Ouch… That is a lot of money. It is for the entire year, but considering H’s income, it is a significant amount.
On another mote, I got myself into a potentially unpleasant situation. I went to an attorney today in hopes to find out how I can create a will, so my house would go to my son and not H (since we are still legally married) in case something happens to me. I think I let my guard down and revealed too much info to the attorney. And he happened to be one of those who talk a lot (their fees are hourly, right) and tried to push me to do the trust instead of a will. This consultation was free (even though he spent 2 ½ hours with me instead of 30 min), but the fee he wants to charge me for a simple will is outrageous. Of course he had to find out all the details about the assets and stuff before he announced the fee.
I sent him an e-mail asking him to hold to with any action on this. Half an hour later I received an e-mail from him with the whole write up, like he never got my e-mail. I’m p!ssed at myself for allowing this. I will be telling him that I will not need his services. I’m just concerned that he has a lot of my info now. Maybe this is my warning to be careful with the layers is case it comes to D. Not everyone has my best interest in mind.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
