...on the other hand, maybe what I could do is set the deadline for myself but not say anything about it to my W. I find it extremely difficult to detach, forget about my W and focus on myself in this sitch while we are still living together and while we are still undecided about whether or not we want to try and save the M. It feels like I am in a prison where I can't move backward and I can't move forward either!
I hear what folks here are saying about detaching and GALing, but it is just so hard to do when I am still half in. The entire future of my life depends on what happens with my M, so how can I really move forward, GAL and not obsess about the M? Isn't it normal to want an answer to the question of what's happening to my M so that I can decide what I'm doing next? Am I wrong to think that if I was totally out and had decided that it was over, it would be much easier to detach? Is there some Jedi mind trick I haven't figured out yet?
It's no trick Jguy. When I was lost in all this I had an intensely wise woman say to me, "Your wife, your business, your hobbies, and your friends are irrelevant in the decisions you make about your life right now. All that matters is what you want and who you are."
Honestly, it frustrated me to no end. I would reply that until I knew if I was getting D'd, where I lived, what I did for work, and all of my future options were put on hold. MY WHOLE LIFE was put on hold.
But it wasn't. Yes, it's more complex with your W living with you, but then again it's not. You are not your M. Your life is not your M. You have a million things to focus on other than your M. In fact, you've told us yourself that not pressuring your W leads to her coming out of her fog a bit.
What if you lived your life with a purpose that was greater than your M. To be the best father to S7 that you can be. To be fascinated with the myriad of other topics that exist in the world besides your M. What turns you on outside of your M? Dive into those topics. Become an expert in model trains or gardening or something. I know it sounds impossible, but it's not once you start.
It's an awful question, but one posed on here, "What would you do if your W had passed? How would you live after the mourning period?"
Personally I would travel around the world meeting fascinating people, surfing, learning to do yoga, climbing mountains, volunteering, teaching English, and getting myself into all kinds of adventures. So I am. Without my W. Without waiting to see if she turns around or not. Without even caring if she notices that I'm not the boring guy she left. She's irrelevant in this decision. If she told me the only chance I ever had of a R with her was not to go I'd blow her a kiss on my way out the door.
Is this because I'm over her? Not at all. I'm still hopelessly in love with her, so much so that it still pisses me off. I'm going because I want to and she's removed herself from my equation. You see? It's about me, regardless of the effect that it has on my M. I'm bigger than my M right now. So are you.
Your W has someone else in her life Jguy, and she's still got you. Moving forward is not moving on. But hovering and calling it moving forward isn't moving forward either.
Reverse the focus from her and what she's going and how you're effecting her. Give her space by turning that focus on you and S7.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
