Two Wolves

[Pax_luv]

Hi Cali,
I've been following along with your sitch for a little bit now. I follow along because it's just been amazing to see your commitment and strength throughout your whole experience. I mean your resilience is amazing and truly admirable. (Plus, we're neighbors and I think our county shines a bit brighter knowing there are forgiving and compassionate people such as yourself and a couple other DB posters in our 'hood!)

Just keep moving forward on your path. The gift of free will is truly a blessing.

[HaWho]

Hi Cali - I just want to chime in that it must be very difficult to return to the MLC incubator after having a taste of normalcy. Talk about parallel universes!

Just want you to know that I am thinking of you and your family.

[Vanilla]

My mind boggles how can you have one sided sex, haven't found that position in the Karma Sutra!

I think that's the quirkiest thing I have read here in a long time, ever since one posters WW told her LBS that being in a hotel bedroom with her OM was a good way to do paperwork!

V

[uRworthy]

Hey Luke...round and round you go, yea? That is not a good place to be.

I am thinking a few things. You ready? . You cant rush this along. You cant make it go the way you think it should go. That truth of it is that she aint done. The real truth is that this takes way longer than a few years.

You are getting to the point where you cant take it going this way. I get it. This stuff suckks.

Living with an MLCer is a special kind of hard. But, you matter. You need to take care of you. You need to watch out for your son. He is watching. Taking it all in.

If you make the decision to move out and make sure you are doing that for the right reasons, it doesn't mean the door is closed. It doesn't mean you gave up. It doesn't mean it's the end of the story if you don't want it to be.

It simply means that you are practicing self care. And there isn't anything at all wrong with that.

You can still keep the door open if you choose to.

Sometimes we just need to be still some in order to be able to "hear" what we need to hear.

Follow your gut, sweetie. Stay true to who you are. You can never go wrong if you do.

[Georgiabelle]

Cali,

I have been away and just caught up. I was at a work event and we had a DJ playing each morning. I was totally smitten-I mean I had no idea what the guy looked like, but good, loud music makes me swoon.

I am so very sorry things are tough. As you know, I am not an expert in anything except for obscure 80s music and being goofy. I do know this. Each time I read one of your posts, I think to myself, "This is a good man and a good dad." And it makes me smile....just like I am sure many others do as well.

Life is short. I can't tell you what to do as only you can decide, although I do know it would be exceptionally difficult to keep living the way you are. So don't. Do what's best for Cali and S. You ARE important and you are not to blame for W's woes.

Hang in there. Hugs from me:)

[ForeverYoung]

I think our spouses can, and many do, work on their issues while still living with us. I know my wife is. Might not be at our speed though, right?

Your W feels guilt yet still wants to see you happy, even please you. Dealing with incredible pain, she's not withholding love... she's likely giving you the best she can right now.

Does she say/do other nice things for you? Maybe you can build on that. You have noticed that she is reconnecting with S. These are the kind of things that make staying tolerable... or even pleasant! It won't always be as difficult as it is now, Cali.

Removing her training wheels may or may not play out like you hope it will.

Move out only if that's what you need for you, not because you believe it will teach W to fix herself.

What compassion and commitment it shows that you've been her friend during the worst crisis of her life. She does notice this, Cali.

[CaliGuy]

Thought I would try to come back and reply a bit … update to follow. (Again I type this out at work so no quote buttons … my apologies)



KML: Yes, its abusive … has been since she entered into crisis little did I know anything about boundaries, MLC, all that … but the more I have grown, the more I have learned and that has helped me along the way. Bottom line as you touched on, its her projecting … she has projected throughout this crisis and it took me a bit to figure that out. I discovered a phrase some time ago … Hurt people, hurt people and kept that in mind for some time, but now its honestly more about seeing it for what it is, she is in crisis and is processing these things slowly, I still remain as a target when she monsters, not as much nor as bad these days due to boundaries but I it does still continue to happen when she spins. As far as the esophagus thing … yes I have been scoped and all that, just a spasm here and there .. not as frequent but thank you for your suggestion I will ask my doctor about it when I see her.



M: Yeah, its one of those things, there were little peek-a-boos here and there, I think back in Mar last year she was terrified I was out the door so she reeled me back in, she went through OM withdrawals for a few months then appeared to want to reconcile, this was a mistake in retrospect .. reconciling prior to reconnection, live and learn, and I really needed a big gulp of No Expectations at the time but was just happy things were leaning towards some sort of normalcy I drank the koolaide and this set things back a bit I think … maybe not .. hard to say right? But as I have said … W and S are in such a better place it warms my heart and honestly regardless of the M, I am thankful she is out of the tunnel enough to be a good mother to him again, that’s a win as far as I am concerned.



Feyth: Thank you ..I laugh when people compliment me on strength and resilience … I know its just a matter of my stubbornness shining through for the world to see ..lol. I do think as bad as it is .. this whole journey was for me, I needed to become better and would have never done so without this and am grateful for the opportunity to reinvent myself as I have.



HaWho: Yeah … I think in retrospect I lost my balance when she came back, was like I was snake charmed. She said and did so many things that I foolishly thought she was out of the tunnel and piecing herself back together …. Turns out I think she came up for air a bit .. but still had to go back down like Jaws with her 3 barrels. I am still discovering just how long this takes and knowing I am not weeks/months out … but years till she gets herself sorted and it’s a matter of where I find myself when and IF that happens with her.



Vanilla … yeah .. MLC does give us some goldies … I have my personal collection but do read one that makes a person shake their head often.



uR, my Jedi-Oracle. Yeah … that spin cycle will suck you in before you realize it … then I tell myself I knew better, just like licking the 9 volt battery. You are spot on with things not going how I thought/and the time factor … its such a long process and at this point its easy to be fooled things are so close to normal yet the apple cart tips and you realize its far from over, its different and the same and who knows what ‘normal’ even is anymore. Taking a few days off … I basically took a MLC vacation and sorted myself out a bit, Prayed and prayed some more and sat and listened. Its not time for me right now, I am still here remaining strong and will see what if anything I am to do. This helped me regain some balance, W is back in my ‘Science Project” lens and I have detached enough to where I am actually quite comfortable with things as they are at the moment … FOR ME … her .. well that’s her plate and she can clean it how she likes/when she likes … IF she likes.



GB … aw man … yeah I would have you tearing up the floor, most likely laughing at your kung-fu moves trying to get the local buzzards off ya. Thank you for your support, I am good really … MLC [censored] and I have a front row seat but its more about that Hitch scene .. dancing in MY space and refraining from doing that Q-tip move lookin like a fool.



FY: I agree, I have seen her doing the work as of late … was not really seeing it before but again, not like I have a clue as to whats going on in her MLC noggin… none of us do right? I think it my biggest fault was thinking things continually progress, truth is, the longer I have been at this, the more I learn, the more I read .. I think the work is done in chunks, and there are breather periods in the middle … I realized today speaking to some vendors discussing the changes we have made here in the 2 years since I took over, I said “Quick changes never stick, slow and steady improvement has proven us great results and the team buying into it proves this approach” …. The same can be applied to us LBS dealing with MLC … I have no doubt in this. And yeah … you are also spot on, she is giving what she can, when she can. Knowing her .. if she is getting a clearer picture of things with the fog slowly lifting, the guilt must be tremendous and I do think it’s a big part of her runs back into Monster, easier to run and scream than to quietly accept you were a person you would not be proud of.

[CaliGuy]

Ok … update time.



Last week was pretty quiet, till Friday night. I can not recall what started things but W decided to go Monster. I found myself in a good place and also discovered my truth dart game was in the zone. This did seem to get Monster a bit more riled up as she spewed her typical hateful things to which I brought up her pleading that she wanted to be my friend, and I restated aloud what she just said and asked “Who would ever want to be friends with anyone who said that to them?” I then calmly told her I would not be talked to in such a manner and I left for work.

It was a very surreal feeling, I realized a few things about myself this past week. First … its all about me and how I handle things like this, these tests .. I see them for what they are, she tests/temp checks/ reacts when I am not playing according to her rules, then she realizes she pushed to hard and pursues. As uR says .. round and round we go .. but with every cycle I get better, stronger and wiser. I also noticed I have her back in the detachment tank, like a fish .. I am safe and she can not hurt me there. I laughed that night as I thought, she really can not hurt me as I have not let her back in… she has already done all she ever could do and here I am, stronger for it. I see her and the things she says as projections, pointing out her own faults as she looks towards me. As I left Friday night she again said her go to “See we are Oil and Water, we just do not work”, Oil and Water that have been together for 25 years, she pressed the D key again hoping it was still one of my buttons, I calmly told her I do not agree, but she was free to file and I would sign if this is what it took for her to find happiness (the fact I was sincere when I said this seemed to 180 her mood), I then asked her why she did not press through the last 2 times over the past 2 years … we were not even together then, what held her back as it clearly was not me. Her mood changed and a soft “I don’t know” came out .. I softly told her “I would search my feelings on that, maybe there is something there” I left for work.

Saturday she was Ms Happy/Nothing happened, I was a bit more reserved. I took S out for his Baseball Tryouts as W had a Hairstylist apt … evidently that was cancelled and she asked what we were going to do, I told her we made plans and I was not sure when we would be home …. I could have invited her but honestly I just wanted space, I think sometimes in this MLC thing we need it and I did not feel bad one bit. S had a great tryout, then we went and grabbed him a new glove for the new season (His old one needed to be put down!) After, S shared with me he was concerned about not getting a game for his B day .. as it comes out 2 weeks after, I winked and told him not to worry .. took him to Gamestop and we preordered it, I told him it was my gift to him, its paid for he has the receipt and once its out he just needs to get it… B day early in a way, but he has to wait till the release. After that we grabbed Jamba Juice and a Sub, had a nice little late lunch outside and talked boy stuff. We get home later and W is gone … S and I get settled and start a movie. W texted me she was getting her eyebrows …. Strung .. or something like that, whatever it was its new for her. I realized after replying ‘OK’ that angst of wondering if she is with OM or lying to me is gone, I am thankful for that .. .I think it stems from reading a bit and someone said something to the effect of you can not really do much about it … but you can take comfort in IF they are doing something like an OM/OW just know you will find out about it, not like BD when it’s a blindside, you now know its possible but have accepted at this point in your life if they do choose that you can do nothing about THEIR choice, and mine would be made for me, its really helped me to look at these things in this light.

Sunday … I went to church early. I used to wait for W but since she has wanted space, I have given it to her, nor do I want to pressure her to even go. I walk the dog around 7, make breakfast for S and I, and head out to chrch at 9. W takes her time and has been going at 10:45. After Church I went to the grocery store, ahd everything all done and put away by the time W and S were out of church. W calls me up asking if we were going to do the bike ride with S, we had discussed it but never really ‘Planned” it. I told her I would meet them but had to leave by 2. Was a nice little walk … still kind of limited talk with W, off in her own world. I went to a baby shower for a friend at 2, yes .. I Went as a Man .. to a Baby shower .. 180 and GAL wrapped into one. I even rode the Harley to completely throw the dogs off my scent. W informed me that she was going to the gym when I got back … more out of a “Oh well you are doing your thing I will do mine” type vibe .. again .. all good. Turns out she was asleep when I arrived home, S and I got together and watched our series. W woke … and ended up watching a movie with us.



So Observations. I have been doing a bit of mirroring with her. I do not start conversations, I will reply to her questions and hold conversations provided she stays interested. A lot like talking to a 14 yr old with ADD, I have been doing this well as of late. I also have noticed this past week she has not been sleeping well at all, not sure why this is as of late … just observing. I did get a “Maybe one day you will talk to me again” in passing Sunday night … I did not reply as I felt it was just bait .. late at night and nothing good would come from a discussion at that point. The Spew sessions … this may sound a bit strange but I really think she is processing through stuff, The Friday night spew one of the main topics was … ok Get this one … My Father. He has been dead since June 2012. Now according to W he “hit” on her back in 2009 when my brother got married and she is upset with me because when she told me I did not stick up for her. This is a history re-write as far as I can tell, my wife is very attractive, my father has a sarcastic wit and can be crass at times. Most likely he said something she found offensive … not hard if one looks to be offended … rather than laugh it off, she has always disliked my father regardless of his attempts to make things right with her. (Early on they did not care for each other, but my father to his credit did attempt to mend the bridge, W however torched it.) Anyways … W is still mad at me for this, I validated and told her I was sorry he made her feel that way, but pointed out he is kinda dead, and I really have no way to approach him and address his poor behaivior .. to which I got “Convenient” I will admit .. I did laugh on the inside at this one. This lead to a discussion on the past, all the things I have done to upset her .. some legit, others fabricated, regardless I told her the past is a very dark cold place, I have apologized for my wrong doings on numerous occasions and I can do little else, its up to her to live in the past, or join the rest of us in 2016 where it’s a bit more sunny and warm, her choice, I cannot help her with that decision.



Ok .. so this brings us to last night. W set up a Psychic Reading, personally .. not my thing but hey she is searching for answers and that alone tells me she is working on things. So she gets home a bit late, again I am cool with things and she is doing her thing. I had cooked some Salmon (She does not like fish) and roasted potatoes … (Been cooking a bit more now that I think of it, part of the old me I really loved) So she stated she was hungry and was going to use the leftover Hamburger, I offered the fish knowing she did not care for it .. surprisingly she accepted, took 2 bites and opted for the burger …lol. She then jumped in the shower, and soon after wrapped in a towel asked me if I had a minute. I had that “Uh oh.. here we go feeling” but went into the MBR and she started telling be about the Reading, starting off by telling me she knew I did not really believe in that stuff… true, but I also said I was not judging. She told me the woman was really spot on with many things, asked W how her 2 children were, W shared we only had one .. then realized … she meant the other one we lost before S … according to this woman we had a daughter, this was hard for me to hear, not sure why it hit me as it did .. but it hurt. Then she started in about BIL3, the one incarcerated. The PR(Psychic) said he did it, was hiding the truth .. W up to this point has been adamant BIL3 is innocent, but now all the sudden things he was lured into doing what he did. WOW … ok .. then .. get ready. She told me this brought up a memory of her and BIL when she was 14, she says nothing happened but well .. not to do into details what she remembers … yeah, this plays right into this entire MLC thing as I have always felt whatever it was was around 14 for her.

Besides the fact that something happened, the fact she recalled it .. and further more she told me about it. I was and am still a bit stunned. She told me she did not want me to use this against her …. Again Projecting, she does that .. atleast in MLC she has, anything I have said out of confidence she has thrown at me. The fact she trsuted me enough to tell me this … pretty big, she has never told anyone she shared. So, hopefully she processes this, deals with it .. I will try to urge her to see professional help but as I have read, and its true in Ws case, she went to 3-4 ICs during MLC, not liking what they had to say during that replay stage she is rather jaded when it comes to therapy and has been pretty reluctant to go …. However she was at ease seeing the priest I suggested, so I may very well push her in that direction gently. Again, she has to want to fix this, at this point I can only plant a tiny seed here and there

[job]

Cali,
Plant the seed and continue to water and feed it. If you point her gently in the right direction, she may very well talk to someone.

Hang in there. It sounds like she's starting to open up just a wee bit.

[mleigh4]

I so look forward to and love your posts Cali. You make me laugh out loud quite a bit. So, what gift did you take to the baby shower? Giggle giggle! Sorry, just picturing you, pulling up on the Harley, with a baby gift still giggling.

What game is your son wanting for Bday? My son turns 9 in March, wants all Mine craft stuff for his room. I have some great stuff picked out to order. I actually enjoy watching the videos he watches with him, made by some guy named Dan? Pretty funny.

So, some deep stuff about W. I am so happy to hear she opened up with you about this. She really does see you as her closest friend Cali. It's easy to see here from the outside. It's a huge compliment and shows you are handling everything so well. I love how you have learned not to take her spews personal. She trusts you, seems to know you will love her no matter what. HUGE in my book. Your wife is a very lucky woman. Something tells me she knows that.

You remain my hero Cali. I relate so much with your posts and admire you so much.