I hope it's not inappropriate to say, but I have such a good feeling about your situation. I just hope your W wakes up before you lose patience and detach to the point of walking away. For her sake, I mean.
I think I love you for saying that. Hope keeps me going, and gets me through the lonely evenings. Thanks, Gmum.
So, I've joined this Rebuilding Seminar group, and we're supposed to call everyone from the small groups we broke up into at our first meeting on Sunday. I just got off the phone with the poor guy who is the one in our small group who is having an affair and left his wife one month ago. I wanted to get his perspective. The scariest thing he said was that he still loves his wife (luckily he didn't say BINILW her or I don't know what I would have done), and of course that made me feel like all of W's protestations of love might just be out of guilt. But I don't think so. I do believe she's just very, very confused. My secret goal was to convince this guy to go back to his wife!! I gave him food for thought, I know that.
So, I'm indulging in the fantasy that W and I still have a chance and that makes me happy. Azoork reminds me to look at all this stuff from both sides, not just my rose colored glasses side, and I think that's good advice. It actually makes me better informed and keeps me on track to reach my goal of a reconciliation.
And I can have that goal while still trying to GAL and detach and work on myself. I think I posted on my last thread about what the meditation teacher said that summarizes the Buddha's teachings in 6 words. (I'm not spiritual or religious, but I'm trying anything.) "Pay attention. Don't cling. Be kind." Sounds like good advice for any situation, but I think it was what I was meant to hear last night, and it's what I need to do to be a better person first, and hopefully a better partner some day as well. And hopefully to W!!!
I'm taking tomorrow afternoon off to pack. Tonight I'm just too numb.
I like the idea of keeping the path home clear, so that if W decides she wants to come home(ie. back to me), it will be easier. A friend suggested that I leave something for her in the house. She said flowers, but I think that's too obvious. I'm going to have the coffee ready to go for her. That's something she always did for me. But of course I'm only going to have enough made for 1, not for 2!!!
So, I've found a notebook where she kept notes of one of our first times together. She had throat surgery and couldn't talk so she wrote her end of the conversation. The notes show her vulnerability and surprise that she could fall in love so quickly and feel such deep love in return. It's quite sweet, actually. I want to leave the notebook out for her, or maybe put it in the drawer by the bed for her to find sometime later, with a note. Something that reminds her she can feel safe with me. (She said the other day that she has "major concerns" about OW and doesn't feel safe with her.) But I guess that would seem manipulative or pursuing, so it's a no-no. I suppose I should just put it back on the shelf where I found it?
