Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

pinn and PigPen, I am thankful that you shared these perspectives. After I wrote that last post, I went out for dinner and a beer with a good friend from work, with whom I have confided my sitch. I went over the same thing with him. It is so difficult to decide what to do in this limbo where I don't want to burn any bridges as long as there's still a chance. The thing is, I still feel like there's a chance. In fact, my sitch appears to be better than average compare to a lot of other folks whose sitches I have been following.

Since about 12 days ago when I really started to let go by dropping all pressure and expectations on my W, her behavior has shifted significantly. The IC told me so as well. She said it seems to be working and my W is now talking quite differently about the OM. It's as though having freedom to choose what she wants has finally given her the opportunity to decide for herself what she wants without pressure. Now she is really turning her head and looking at whether it might be smart to listen to the IC, other friends, and me, and make a genuine effort to reconcile.

When I described this to my friend, his advice was that maybe I should give it some more time. Since I have only been giving her space for 12 days and it seems to be working, why would I want to suddenly interrupt that by applying pressure again by setting a deadline. Perhaps it's enough to tell her that "I can't wait forever" - which I have already told her - and then just back off for another week or two while I continue to observe her behavior.

It's just extremely hard to endure this limbo, that's the challenge. I am so fed up with who she used to be and so certain that I don't want to be married anymore to the person she was, and to a large extent, still is. Since I am becoming very certain about what I want and don't want, it is very tempting to apply pressure. However, I can see how if there is any possibility that she might come around to deciding on her own to change in exactly the ways that I wish she would, then that definitely won't happen by me applying pressure. So it's either wait and endure the limbo, or just decide for myself that I've had enough and leave.

The catch 22 is how can I decide that I've had enough and leave when I can see that giving her space seems like it might actually be the very thing that is starting to work?

I have been GALing, focusing on myself, but it is very hard to forget about her and completely let go and stick to that. Especially when we are still living together. I have been in that mode for only 12 days, but heck if I can do 12 days maybe I can do 20. 30. Maybe it will get easier and maybe it will start working better and better. Or maybe not. I'm having a hard time making a firm decision about just how long I'm willing to wait.

For now, I'm going to hold off and I'm not going to propose the deadline. This is crazy hard...