I'm feeling your struggle and confusion on this. I am really am. And I will tell you why.
When your life, well-being and esteem is so tied up in someone else's happiness and unhappiness, the struggle to separate and be an individual is one of the most challenging things of all.
I have a co-dependent personality and choose men I want to caretake and fix. The quality of the men I have chosen has improve considerably over time.
My first high school crush was a dependent cannabis user. When he returned into my life when I was 28, he was in the middle of recovery from a drug induced psychotic episode, with a pending diagnosis of schziophrenia, I nursed him back to health over 24 months, for him to leave the imaginary relationship I had been my head, for a woman who he met online and who lived in another country.
I then fell for a guy who lost his child in an accident that occurred on his work site when he was looking after him. He was grieving his son and loss of his marriage, they were divorced. In that imaginary relationship i had with him, I helped resolve his grief that he returned to his wife and their marriage.
There are a couple more recovering drug addicts in there and then there are my two lovelies I call Mr M - Mr emotionally unavailable, former addict to drugs, was addicted to exercise and a commitment phobe. And then Mr Ex, parapeligic emotionally unavailable, driven to success at all cost. I was loving him and getting him to Rio Olympics 2016.
Why am I telling you all of this. Well dear friend. I thought that if I could just be the most amazing and perfect friend, woman, girlfriend and partner, then these men would all love me and stay with me forever.
Being a helper, a caretaker and fixer in a relationship like I was, is co-dependency at its finest. I was the poster girl. I still am in some ways.
How you describe your relationship with your H, you are so in his business, that when you write I struggle to see the line between your behaviour and his. I am acutally confused about whose behaviour you are asking about his or yours. You two are completely enmeshed.
I am not surprised to hear that you are completely confused. I going to put it out there, is that you have no sense of yourself separate from him. What I see is a woman who cannot make a decision for herself without it being in reference to her H. I get no sense of who Kyrie is outside of her role as a wife and caretaker.
I don't know if anyone has suggested the works of Melody Beattie to you. My suggestion would be that you start looking at your stuff in this picture. Melody's work is unpinned by her relationship and her clients relationship with a high power. So there will be no tension for your related to this issue.
I don't know if you have read Neale Donald Walsch work Conversations with God. But he references rather eloquantly, that each of is the Great I am. Who are you Kyrie? How is Kyrie not being great in and of herself being the best she can be for God?
Something to think about as well. There is a school of thought, that when we continue to engage in a set of behaviours that we know are not benifical to us, there is likely some pay off for doing so.
When I have a very stuck family and I get alot of resistance and, buts and excuses, sometimes I say " So you obviously really like this problem. Why don't you keep this problem a little while longer."
I guess what I am saying, is when you ready to let go of this problem, you will be ready to do what it takes to get there.
Save yourself Kyrie, its the first step. The lessons here are not your H. They are yours.
