Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

I had a good IC session today in which I got some answers from the counselor on the questions that I asked at the end of this post from two days ago.

I explained my confusion about what I need to learn from all this. Do I need to learn to care for myself more by setting better boundaries and not tolerating behavior from my W that leads to an unfulfilling R for me? Or do I need to learn how something about my behavior is in fact contributing to the problem, which I'm not aware of?

The counselor answered this by saying "Sadly, what you need to learn (which IS your contribution to the problem) is that you do need to learn to care of yourself by setting better boundaries. You need to be willing to walk away from the R if it isn't working for you." The counselor said that me learning how to set boundaries may be exactly what it takes for my W to realize that she needs to grow up.

From early in our R, it bothered me that my W would not participate when I invited her to discuss problems, disagreements, or conflicting needs in the R. She always avoided everything. I would hit the ball to her, but she would never hit it back. At the time, I tolerated this when I really shouldn't have, and I can now see that this is exactly what led to the affairs. I feel angry but also disappointed in myself when I think about this and it sinks in... I was right all along to insist that we really should talk through things together. Her affairs are living proof that I was right. If anything, my mistake from the beginning was that I failed to set a boundary regarding this need. I should have communicating my need for two-way collaboration in the R as a non-negotiable need, which I wasn't willing to live without. I did see this problem early in the R, before we were married. I even had one counselor back in early 2007 suggest that I may want to consider ending the R if this problem wasn't resolved. At the time, I was too attached to the hopes that I had invested in the R and couldn't bring myself to end it. My W was gorgeous, I had fallen in love with her and it would have been too disappointing to throw her away, I thought. So, I ended up finding ways to minimize my needs and enjoy the good things about my W while downplaying the things about her behavior that were problematic.

Looking back and reflecting on all of this is helping me to really clarify what my part is in all of this, which is helping me to gain closure and detach. It's also helping me to see that I really am a great guy and that I deserve better. I'm not perfect and I definitely have much to learn still, but to grow, I really need a partner who can represent herself and who can also listen and make a genuine effort to understand me. Building a strong M is a lot of work and I can't do it all by myself. I needed to recognize the importance of this and be willing to walk away in the beginning, but I just didn't have the strength to do so at the time. I was just coming out a long depression when I met my W and had very few close friends and community. It was hard to believe that I would find the right person if I let go of my W at the time.

So there you go. That's what I needed to learn from this experience. It's probably not the only thing, but it's the big one. Given that my W is still on the fence right now and is avoiding the decision as to whether or not she wants to work on the M with me, my counselor encouraged me to set a boundary with my W now, by saying something like this:

"I have a need to move forward with my life, either with you or without you as my W. I love you and want to work through our problems together and make a real effort to rebuild a new M, but only if you want the same thing and can commit to the hard work it will take. Even then, there's no guarantee that it will work out, but we'll never know unless we start that journey with sincere effort together. I want to know if you are willing to give it a try with me. I can appreciate that you need space to think this over and make this decision from the right place, but I cannot wait indefinitely as this limbo and your continued contact with the OM is very difficult for me. You have had 3 months to think about this now since the BD. I'm willing to wait for up to 3 more weeks. If by the end of January you still haven't decided, then I don't know if I can continue waiting beyond that. Would you be willing to make an effort to decide by then? Or do you have an alternate suggestion to propose?"

I know that this approach goes against the DB advice that many of you have shared, which is to be very, very patient. Given the nature of my contribution to the problem (lack of boundaries to take care of my own R needs), I am conflicted and when I try to imagine remaining patient with the limbo for several more months, it doesn't feel good. My IC agrees. Thoughts?