Here again after 9 years and struggling 2

[inpain]

Hoovering is a new word for me too lol. I wil try to use it once a week . New words for the new me :-)

LOL well at least I'm laughing now about causing such a stir with my hoovering! Do you know what it is?

Continue what you are doing, I see it as baby steps. Don't expect him to one day say "what did I just do to my life and my family" . It probably took him a long time to get to be point and leave you. Of course they never brought it up and we are to understand the reasons without discussing it with us. Your 19 year relationship and my 17 year has no meaning to them. We didn't have a chance to work on anything.

I thought it was all baby steps too until tonight. I know I shouldn't have even had the conversation or allowed myself to hope so much, but it is so hard not to. I've probably destroyed all of the baby steps now anyway.

They are irrational and we can't figure them out. They probably can't explain it themselves. Mine said she was confused, not sure what she wanted, needed to find herself. They are lost.

I hope he's not cake eating or trying to be "just friends" . Either way you will see it as time goes on then you can apply something new.

(Hugs) irish

Yes, you're right there! I think somebody already said to me on here that you can't figure out crazy. I have an awful feeling he is just trying to be friends. That certainly makes him crazy. Why would I want to be friends, after everything he has put me through in the past, and now this, destroying mine and our children's lives!? Oh yes, sounds like perfect friend material.

Thanks again for posting Irish!

[isittoolate]

IP Having tea.... And hoovering....from the North? Of UK like me

[inpain]

IP Having tea.... And hoovering....from the North? Of UK like me

Yay! Someone else who hoovers! Though I was crazy for a moment there lol!

[Irish M]

All I can think of is the Hoover vacuum cleaner..
So I guess sucking it up or pulling or taking it in.

I'm probably out in left field . I'm Canadian so we have our own slang here.

Don't think that you lost any steps. You are going forward 1 and back 2 then maybe forward 4 and back 2... Just keep looking forward.

I was thinking I should be hoovering my carpets...

Irish

[inpain]

All I can think of is the Hoover vacuum cleaner..
So I guess sucking it up or pulling or taking it in.

I'm probably out in left field . I'm Canadian so we have our own slang here.

Don't think that you lost any steps. You are going forward 1 and back 2 then maybe forward 4 and back 2... Just keep looking forward.

I was thinking I should be hoovering my carpets...

Irish

You're exactly right Irish! Hoovering is vacuuming your carpets And yes, it does come from most vacuums being made by Hoover in the good old days I believe!

[Ancaire]

IP...They miss us. That's part of the confusion. How much reading have you done on MLC? I encourage you to learn all you can. I believe it will be your way to peace on this awful highway. Sometimes they like to play "pretend" - they know they're making bad decisions - they just cannot help themselves. They are being controlled by urges they absolutely do not understand.

One former MLCer explained it by saying it was something he absolutely had to do - if he didn't do it, he would die. Can you imagine feeling like that? And the one thing we want most to do - help them - is the one thing we absolutely cannot do. This thing has to run its course. If they try and come back too early, it never, ever, works out.

And if you're right there with them when they're feeling bad and at their worst - guess who will receive the brunt of all their angst? You will. And no, it is absolutely not worth putting up with non-stop hatred and spew just to keep your family together. You want to think that, so nothing has to change, but that would be, without question, the worst atmosphere for you and the children to live in.

You would become a nearly non-stop victim of emotional abuse, and over time, it would strangle your soul. I typed quite a bit of this out for MB earlier today. You may want to pop over to her thread and see what I had to say. If you don't get to it, I'm sure I'll write a book for you, too.

Your first step, IP, is going to have to be acceptance. Your H is under the control of forces he absolutely does not understand, but also cannot resist. Accept that this is happening. Accept that there is nothing you can do to interfere, stop it, or change the course. It is what it is. Accept that your life is going to change.

The only thing you can control is how those changes manifest. Will you become bitter? Will you embrace life? Will you be the best mum for your children that you can be? Will you give in to sadness, and have them lose not one, but two parents? This is an awful thing I wouldn't want for anyone, period. But it happens.

Learning all that you can about what is happening will probably be your best shot at peace. As you learn, you will develop compassion. With compassion comes forgiveness. No matter what H does or does not do, you will be able to live a full, happy life. (I understand you don't believe me at the moment. I was where you are just a few short months ago.)

The best case scenario, the one we all hope for, is that after H crashes and burns, he returns home - full of remorse and ready to try again. That is the secret ember of hope burning in my heart. It will probably be yours, too.

While H is off learning the grass is greener where you water it, you'll have the opportunity to work on you. You'll have time to come to terms with this. I always say I need lots of time. I've been hurt so badly, so thoroughly betrayed by the one man I trusted, that it'll take me a long time to get over it. I intend to get over it.

If H ever returns home, he's going to be broken. I'm going to need to be strong enough for the two of us. I'm not even close right now. My H still cares a lot about me. He likes me. I can see it in his eyes. But he's determined to go down this route. I've tried so many times, and so many ways to save him from himself - it just doesn't work. This beast, this MLC, is a monster we are helpless against.

I invite you to join me when you're ready on my journey of healing and growth. It's the best thing we can do for ourselves. Probably the best way to keep our sanity. I do my best not to think about H and what he's doing. I've seen the confusion and strain on his face. It is a horrible thing to behold. I feel so badly for him. But right now? He's lost me.

I don't want him back before he's ready. I tried that once, and the catastrophe that followed nearly destroyed me. Until he's ashamed, and sorry, and willing to do whatever it takes to make a better marriage than our last one...he's lost me.

I hope I'm not being too rough on you, telling you to accept. It's just I've been where you are. The key to moving onward and upward, as well as saving your sanity, is to accept the reality of what is happening. It's only then that you can start to function again, to make plans.

I care IP. I care deeply. I'm so sorry you're here going through this.

On a much lighter note - I am aware you vacuumed. Hoover must have been a popular brand on your side of the pond for it to become the name for the job itself. That's really cool!

[Rouky]

Such a beautiful post Ancaire, I needed to read it. I was surprised to read that you are from the UK, so do I :-)

Hang in there xxx

[dday]

Thanks anc. I need that too. Ip, I feel for you on the friend thing... my xw wants me there right now.

[inpain]

IP...They miss us. That's part of the confusion. How much reading have you done on MLC? I encourage you to learn all you can. I believe it will be your way to peace on this awful highway. Sometimes they like to play "pretend" - they know they're making bad decisions - they just cannot help themselves. They are being controlled by urges they absolutely do not understand.

H is absolutely adamant that he hasn't missed me for a single minute! Says he doesn't miss anything about being with me at all. I've read lots about MLC this time and last time as I was convinced that was the reason he left last time until I discovered about OW he was having at least an EA with.

You want to think that, so nothing has to change, but that would be, without question, the worst atmosphere for you and the children to live in.

I can see what you're saying, that is true, I don't want my life to change. Mostly I don't want to have to have days where I don't see my children. I cannot imagine living like that and I don't want to live like that.

Your first step, IP, is going to have to be acceptance. Your H is under the control of forces he absolutely does not understand, but also cannot resist. Accept that this is happening. Accept that there is nothing you can do to interfere, stop it, or change the course. It is what it is. Accept that your life is going to change.

I am really struggling with accepting it. I don't seem to know how to.

Learning all that you can about what is happening will probably be your best shot at peace. As you learn, you will develop compassion. With compassion comes forgiveness. No matter what H does or does not do, you will be able to live a full, happy life. (I understand you don't believe me at the moment. I was where you are just a few short months ago.)

I really cannot imagine feeling compassion for H or forgiveness. I could forgive him if it was just me, but what he is doing will mean that I have to have nights and days without seeing my children and I will never, ever, ever forgive him for that as long as I live. They are my babies and I didn't have them to "Co parent" and share them with anybody. I already feel like I hate him for that part of this, and that upsets me so much to feel like that towards him.

I invite you to join me when you're ready on my journey of healing and growth. It's the best thing we can do for ourselves.

I hope I can join you at some point Ancaire. You sound like you're in a much better place than I am.

I hope I'm not being too rough on you, telling you to accept. It's just I've been where you are. The key to moving onward and upward, as well as saving your sanity, is to accept the reality of what is happening. It's only then that you can start to function again, to make plans.

No, you're not being too rough, I appreciate your advice and help and I know that it is because you care. I don't feel like I can make any plans until financial things start being sorted and he will not discuss any of it with me and has taken no steps to do anything with regards to it.

On a much lighter note - I am aware you vacuumed. Hoover must have been a popular brand on your side of the pond for it to become the name for the job itself. That's really cool!

It is pretty cool isn't it!? I have always known it as hoovering, everyone I know had a Hoover when I was small anyway lol!

[inpain]

Also, if H is MLC and is coming round doing this playing "pretend" thing what should I do? Should I leave the house so he can't do it or should I keep playing "pretend" with him?