Here again after 9 years and struggling 2

[inpain]

IP...They miss us. That's part of the confusion. How much reading have you done on MLC? I encourage you to learn all you can. I believe it will be your way to peace on this awful highway. Sometimes they like to play "pretend" - they know they're making bad decisions - they just cannot help themselves. They are being controlled by urges they absolutely do not understand.

H is absolutely adamant that he hasn't missed me for a single minute! Says he doesn't miss anything about being with me at all. I've read lots about MLC this time and last time as I was convinced that was the reason he left last time until I discovered about OW he was having at least an EA with.

You want to think that, so nothing has to change, but that would be, without question, the worst atmosphere for you and the children to live in.

I can see what you're saying, that is true, I don't want my life to change. Mostly I don't want to have to have days where I don't see my children. I cannot imagine living like that and I don't want to live like that.

Your first step, IP, is going to have to be acceptance. Your H is under the control of forces he absolutely does not understand, but also cannot resist. Accept that this is happening. Accept that there is nothing you can do to interfere, stop it, or change the course. It is what it is. Accept that your life is going to change.

I am really struggling with accepting it. I don't seem to know how to.

Learning all that you can about what is happening will probably be your best shot at peace. As you learn, you will develop compassion. With compassion comes forgiveness. No matter what H does or does not do, you will be able to live a full, happy life. (I understand you don't believe me at the moment. I was where you are just a few short months ago.)

I really cannot imagine feeling compassion for H or forgiveness. I could forgive him if it was just me, but what he is doing will mean that I have to have nights and days without seeing my children and I will never, ever, ever forgive him for that as long as I live. They are my babies and I didn't have them to "Co parent" and share them with anybody. I already feel like I hate him for that part of this, and that upsets me so much to feel like that towards him.

I invite you to join me when you're ready on my journey of healing and growth. It's the best thing we can do for ourselves.

I hope I can join you at some point Ancaire. You sound like you're in a much better place than I am.

I hope I'm not being too rough on you, telling you to accept. It's just I've been where you are. The key to moving onward and upward, as well as saving your sanity, is to accept the reality of what is happening. It's only then that you can start to function again, to make plans.

No, you're not being too rough, I appreciate your advice and help and I know that it is because you care. I don't feel like I can make any plans until financial things start being sorted and he will not discuss any of it with me and has taken no steps to do anything with regards to it.

On a much lighter note - I am aware you vacuumed. Hoover must have been a popular brand on your side of the pond for it to become the name for the job itself. That's really cool!

It is pretty cool isn't it!? I have always known it as hoovering, everyone I know had a Hoover when I was small anyway lol!