Last night

[trumpet]

Kyrie,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. The roller coaster is really going strong last week and this week. On the treadmill for the first time in 3 weeks tonight - it's way too cold to run outside right now!

Your husband is someone who has/had great faith, correct? I attended a lutheran HS, was a campus ministry leader, went to youth rallies, play in church (sing/trumpet - duh!) since I was a kid, did chamber choir in college... I'm not a bible-thumper, but those who know me from college know that I was the man to talk to when you wanted to talk about religion - for better or for worse.

All this to say - your husband and I probably have a lot in common.

If he's dealing with what I dealt with, it's that he has to go DEEPER into the porn to get out what he needs to get aroused. Thus, the EA's you talked about. The nudie clubs. It makes sense - it's deeper into the addiction. Need a bigger hit.
It also made me more mad and angry at myself that I couldn't stop. I'd be in church on Sunday crying out to God that I'm sorry, and I'd feel his forgiveness, but I'd be back at it, as it got me to cope with my reality. No sex from the wife again? Well, I can take care of that right here... and it felt good. For guys, the release is wonderful, and the stress melts away. The shame fills the holes where the stress was, though. And the shame is cumulative. It blots out all love coming from your spouse and from God.

He knows he needs to stop. He wants to stop - deep down. He knows his anger isn't really him. But the stress to be who he is - a pastor - and the life he's leading behind closed doors is ripping him apart.

It's ripping you apart.

And that's why you need to find help. You want to save your marriage? Save yourself first, and your kids. Saving him will come - his rabbit hole might be a lot deeper than it is now.

This is my opinion, but I'm going to counseling, going to a hidden addictions group, so I have first-hand knowledge. NONE of this made sense until I admitted I couldn't control the addiction, and called it an addiction. My wife's affair started my bottoming out, and realizing I needed help.

I cried again in my counseling session today... not for me, but for my wife, who as of right now is trying to make it back from her EA. I cried because I now see how much pain I caused her, and how I did so much damage to her. How the years piled up, and how worthless she felt, how helpless she was to watch me be addicted to something she didn't understand and couldn't tolerate. Some women do tolerate it - and I actually see Zues's side of this, where some wouldn't consider pornography cheating, since it doesn't involve another person physically, and I never loved the women I watched. They were lovely to look at, but did I ever get to know them? Their real names? No way - that was the 'other' world.

My wife considers it cheating. Guess what? I have to live with that. She's my wife, and I hurt her. And now I understand. Lots more 'I'm sorry's' in me to come.

My wife is addicted - to OM. It took me 8 weeks to really see the fog lift from my addiction. I have to give her AT LEAST that much time. She needs to get counseling for the EA - someone other than me to tell her what she needs to do. I have all the answers - my pride speaking - but I've done so much research, I'd love to share. I just have to keep my mouth shut, and pray to God that she finds the same sites I do. Ugh. That's difficult. I'm the fixer.

Should you stop having sex with him?

How about this question: should you continue to give a drunk a drink?

If he feels empty and hollow due to your sex, he's equating your sex to what he sees on the screen. There is no emotional connection - that is lost on him, due to the addiction. If you have needs, I understand, just realize 90 days is typical for complete withdrawl of symptoms in a pornography addiction. I'm on day 75 I think, and days 40-55 were really tough. My body seems to be much better now. Sex was on my mind a lot in days 40-55.

I see three things that need attention:

1.) YOU! Take care of you - don't let him spew at you. You need to read the book Boundaries.
2.) Your husband. His addiction. His depression. His anger.
3.) Your marriage.

Just like I'm struggling with my wife, since I can't control the pace at which we fix things, you can't control your husband. Take care of you - be the best Kyrie you've ever thought you could be. Proverbs 31 - give it a read.

Second, I'd recommend a professional's take on how to help your husband. I was the addict, my wife was the adulterer. Your husband has both going on, so good for you for not having to deal with your own demons.

Speaking of demons - don't just take what you see as weaknesses to the Lord. The Lord is giving you the gift of time and the awareness to know that maybe something needs fixing within YOU. Maybe you're broke, and need fixing as well. Pride is so difficult a sin. We need to have some pride to stand up against the world and what it throws at us, but we need to be humble enough to know we all need HIM. When we're humble, HE speaks to us - in whispers.

If you husband is defiant and unwilling to change, you can't change it. But talking to someone other than the Bishop might start the ball rolling.

FYI:
I take an SSRI - lexapro. Took it when I had difficulty with emotions after getting out of college. It makes me the real 'trumpet', not someone who's always high one minute on happiness, and debbie downer the next. It's a small dose, but it helps - a lot. It also decreases libido - another topic for another day!
Does your husband take something?