I need a way to get through on my own. I used my H because he was the only person who knew my plate and all I did. I do not want my H. What I need is a way to get what he gave me. He said I am capable, so I believed him. I say I am capable, and I cant believe it. Other people say I am capable and it gives me pain to hear it. I can hold my degree in my hand and still not believe I should be considered a college grad.
I have been musing on the above for the last month Mona. When I say that I don't know how to live my life. I really don't. But the idea of living a better, bigger, lighter, funner (is that a word- idk, could be) for a partner, to attract a new man to have a relationship seems like the prefect motivation to live life. Why do I need the comfort and motivation of a partner to live my life? To feel capable, to feel reassured that what I am doing and how I am doing it. For the loving applause.
Hmmmm co-dependency in it's most destructive form. So here I am committed to finding myself as my own motivation. Hmmmmm stuck.
Let me know what insight you find with IC. I would be happy to hear it.
