Back on these forums again 6

[Mona52]

Thanks V. I freaking hate bringing this subject up because it always pulverizes my PMA. But I never had to deal with it before. Last time jerkface left, I did not have this issue.

I think I know triggers that bring it on, and I am positive there is no way to avoid the triggers. See, to combat it, I look at 'proof' it is a lie. Well, I can easily find PROOF it is true. Any little mistake I make triggers it. I cant just be perfect, that is ridiculous. So I make a mistake, like any human will and before i know it, an avalanche buries me.

Today, I forgot my cell phone. This is a huge mistake for a ton of reasons. My mom had eye surgery on Monday, what if she needs me? My son could have brought more porn into school, and if they call and I do not answer they will call children and youth again! My D15 may need to tell me how much she hates her friends and needs to vent to me before she explodes on them. Chris might text me (that is neeeded for my PMA, lol) D17 may text me to perform a miracle for her.

Then comes the first wave of guilt. It feels good to not have my phone for a tiny bit. No one can bother me. Here comes the guilt (your children should not be a bother!)

From guilt comes the screaming. How terrible of a person I really am. Do you know my mom bugged jerkface so much to fix the dryer, he did it on Monday and I have only done one load since then? Why did we bother him if we did not need it critically.

Now, I can look at this logically. What I just said is ridiculous. Of course it is critical that a household with 5 people be able to wash clothes. But that doesn't even phase my voice. I have not done laundry, i.e. it was not critical, i.e. I am a failure. Yes, I realize I never asked jerkface to fix it, I am feeling guilt over what my mom did.

My S wore wrinkly pants to school. Because we woke up late. We woke up late because I accidentally turned the volume down on my alarm. And when I did it, I knew I did it and told myself not to forget to fix it. I forgot.

I was shown positive proof I am a complete failure as a daughter, wife and mother. Now I am compelled to do extraordinary actions to balance my world again. And, boy did I ever. I blew away projects at work today that were not even mine, all while posting on these boards the entire time, and upgrading that PC, and doing my schoolwork, and I did 3 chapters for the publisher. (And I leveled myself on 2 facebook games, but we wont talk about that )

I wont lie, it feels great when I look at what I did today. But all I did was forget my stupid cell phone. My punishments never fit my crimes.

I hear you V when you say turn up the volume, but I dont have to, my mind literally screams my faults. For hours. Now, my poor son will pay the most. Because by the time I get home, I will be dying for any kind of quiet. He is SOOO noisy. So I know I will be yelling at him a bunch tonight. But not meanly. Just to quiet down.

Oh well, the only way through this day is to get through it. The screaming will cease sooner or later. And my PMA will be back to normal. Just need to wait it out. And post here, even though I feel like such a freak when I do. Whatever. Freak is actually a step up from failure Baby steps, lol