So if life get's difficult all I have to do is get laid and my problems go away. I guess prostitutes have no problems.
I don't care what other people do with their body parts, what they do to them, where the put them, why they do it,, I don't care. I do care when children are used, other then that, knock yourself out. This gender blurring stuff is entertaining.
I'm old school. I have my reproductive organs on the outside and I like reproductive organs on the inside. Call me old fashion.
HOW RUDE! Calling them boys! I have never heard anything so insensitive in my entire life. Not even drugs, murder, poverty, ya know, the small issues.
I would entertain the idea of a new girlfriend, IF i did not love men so darn much
I am still pictuing PP's guy cutting wood with an actual axe. Just in case anyone missed his post:
Stay classic. Keep your desire for a man. For a good man. For a guy that can chop wood with a real ax, that will sweep you off your feet, make passionate love to you, and then cook you a breakfast with more meat products than vegetables.
Yeah... that...OMG
OMG, I just tried to picture jerkface in that scenario. He failed every portion. I just inserted Chris into that scenario, he passed with flying colors. I tried a few other guys I know, they all pass.
Ya know, if you guys were not here, I am not sure I would come here anymore. I am not sure I want my M anymore. I want new and exciting. Maybe I am going through my very own MLC. YEY! As long as I keep my kids first in my life, I am going to push myself to my very limits and have as much SAFE fun as possible.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I still suffer from impostor syndrome, allot. My friend gave me his pc. He said no matter what he tried he could not install Windows 10 on it. Installing an operating system would be like Einstein teaching 1 + 1 = 2. But as soon as I touched it, I had a mini panic attack in my mind. My mind actually screamed at me that there was no way I was going to be able to ever help him.
My mind did not stop either. It went on to list practically every area of my life and how I am really not good enough for any of it. At any second people would look at me and realize what a fake and phony I am. I threw the PC in my car just as my mind was telling me I cant even cook mashed potatoes like a good Irish girl.
I tried to tell myself my mind is wrong, it is not real. It makes me feel better to tell myself that women in CalTech feel the same thing. But I could not bring myself to touch the stupid PC. The stress has been piling up the last few days because I have not fixed this darn thing.
I finally plugged it in today, and sure enough, Win 10 did not want to install. And sure enough, I found the updates it needed, services that had to be stopped and a back door way to install it in less than 30 minutes. It is happily installing at my desk right now.
My H used to pull me through. I pulled myself through. But I still am not able to crush the thoughts, I still have to go and perform an action to make myself partly believe. My action has to be something that not many people I know can do. If I would have just fixed the PC in an easy way, my mind would still make me feel 2 inches tall by telling me a monkey could have done that. Since it was slightly advanced, I am sort of able to tell my mind it is a big fat liar. But only sort of.
After that happens though, I face another problem. As soon as I fixed the stupid PC, my boss gave me a compliment on some work I did. It still feels like a punch in the gut when I hear the compliment. I cant stand it sometimes and I just want to run home and never, ever come back to work again.
I need a way to get through on my own. I used my H because he was the only person who knew my plate and all I did. I do not want my H. What I need is a way to get what he gave me. He said I am capable, so I believed him. I say I am capable, and I cant believe it. Other people say I am capable and it gives me pain to hear it. I can hold my degree in my hand and still not believe I should be considered a college grad.
A work around I have been using is time. When I start to feel extremely stupid, lazy, phony, a liar, I just can wait it out and the feeling passes after a while. I would prefer a better way to get past it. I just dont know where to begin. I will see my IC tomorrow. She will help me, but I can only talk to her once or twice a month so progress is so slow.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Mona, I was going to say how capable, strong, inspirational, and independent you are but I don't want to make you feel bad.
I will say you are pretty F'd up that you don't realize how amazing you are. Like really F'd up, I hope your IC can help. Does that make you feel better?
Fo!! Yes! That was unbelievably helpful. OMG, I am laughing because as soon as I read it the first thing my mind said was "wait, i'm not f'd up! Fo is crazy, I am good at this and that blah blah blah." So funny! Wow, i really really do feel better. Thanks Fo!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I don't know of any other way than observe, tell yourself they are just thoughts, and watch them go by.
It's your inner critic, that which Freud calls the superb. It's too strong, probably installed in childhood.
One trick I pull, (mine was 'installed' by WH based on my childhood part I call funny bunny) is to say to my critic in response to its remarks 'stop that right now' and 'I am not listening, you are wasting your breath'. I also convert the voice into a helium balloon voice and I slow it down. I also play the tune Slow by Rumour, I have it on my phone, laptop and tablet as a quick clip.
Another of my tricks is to let the critic get so obnoxious and outrageous it is no longer believable. As in "you are the worst person in the world ever, even more horrible than Hitler and Pol Pot combined. Clearly baloney.
The voices of my inner critic are weakening, I got the tricks from the Tao of fully feeling by Pete Walker
This is his thinking:
“Tuning in(ward) and turning up the volume,” as I once heard someone describe it, is a process of bringing the critic into earshot. We can tune in and turn up the volume by carefully listening to our self-talk and fully focusing on our inner experience whenever we feel toxic shame. Most of the students in my reparenting classes are shocked when they first discover the viciousness of their critic’s voice. At the end of the turning-up-the-volume meditation that I use to highlight internal reactions to innocuous mistakes, many are astounded by how merciless they respond to themselves.
Those who practice this exercise during the subsequent week report great dismay about how much their critic’s voice dominates and spoils their moment-to-moment experience. When I first began turning up the volume and tuning into the content of my mind’s inner chatter, I also experienced great consternation. I heard endless variations of these angry condemnations: “Let’s see how you can screw this up, dumbo!?”“Who cares what you think, stupid?”“Nice going, klutz!”“Why don’t you see what else you can do to embarrass yourself?”“Can’t you ever get anything right?”“Why don’t you just shut up and get it that nobody gives a damn about you or your ridiculous opinions!”
The toxic shame that accompanied these messages was viscerally painful. I experienced it as an intensely anxious but curiously dead feeling in my abdomen. At times it felt as if the pandemonium of a crowded mall, the tiredness of the night shift, and the emptiness of a nursing home had formed some awful emotional amalgam deep inside me. This shame not only robbed me of my words, but also took away my will to get them back. When toxic shame was upon me, anything and everything I thought to say sounded like the worst drivel imaginable. How could I dare contribute when even I found all my thoughts eminently deserving of ridicule and censure?
Over time, the critical parent enlists the creative imagination in the service of toxic shame and invents new degrading epithets.
My critic enforced the muteness my parents shamed me into and then further demeaned me for my diffidence.
When I was at a loss for words I would often spiral further down into toxic shame as my critic prickled me with a host of insults: “Social cripple, hopeless introvert, boring dullard, full-time loser, zombie incommunicado.”Tuning in and observing my inner critic led me to understand why I had needed to censor myself so unmercifully. As a child, my only choice was to “identify with the aggressors” and join the winning side in the war against my self-expression.
Silence allowed me to be a less noticeable target for my parents’random attacks. By not opening my mouth I refrained from giving them more ammunition (namely, my words and ideas) to use for further humiliation. Moreover, by berating myself, I beat them to the punch and softened the impact of their verbal blows. I eventually became so habituated to this process that it didn’t matter whether they were present or not.
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For me that told me, firstly many of us do this and secondly I need have no shame for it, most of it is nonsense. For parents in my case substitute WH.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks V. I freaking hate bringing this subject up because it always pulverizes my PMA. But I never had to deal with it before. Last time jerkface left, I did not have this issue.
I think I know triggers that bring it on, and I am positive there is no way to avoid the triggers. See, to combat it, I look at 'proof' it is a lie. Well, I can easily find PROOF it is true. Any little mistake I make triggers it. I cant just be perfect, that is ridiculous. So I make a mistake, like any human will and before i know it, an avalanche buries me.
Today, I forgot my cell phone. This is a huge mistake for a ton of reasons. My mom had eye surgery on Monday, what if she needs me? My son could have brought more porn into school, and if they call and I do not answer they will call children and youth again! My D15 may need to tell me how much she hates her friends and needs to vent to me before she explodes on them. Chris might text me (that is neeeded for my PMA, lol) D17 may text me to perform a miracle for her.
Then comes the first wave of guilt. It feels good to not have my phone for a tiny bit. No one can bother me. Here comes the guilt (your children should not be a bother!)
From guilt comes the screaming. How terrible of a person I really am. Do you know my mom bugged jerkface so much to fix the dryer, he did it on Monday and I have only done one load since then? Why did we bother him if we did not need it critically.
Now, I can look at this logically. What I just said is ridiculous. Of course it is critical that a household with 5 people be able to wash clothes. But that doesn't even phase my voice. I have not done laundry, i.e. it was not critical, i.e. I am a failure. Yes, I realize I never asked jerkface to fix it, I am feeling guilt over what my mom did.
My S wore wrinkly pants to school. Because we woke up late. We woke up late because I accidentally turned the volume down on my alarm. And when I did it, I knew I did it and told myself not to forget to fix it. I forgot.
I was shown positive proof I am a complete failure as a daughter, wife and mother. Now I am compelled to do extraordinary actions to balance my world again. And, boy did I ever. I blew away projects at work today that were not even mine, all while posting on these boards the entire time, and upgrading that PC, and doing my schoolwork, and I did 3 chapters for the publisher. (And I leveled myself on 2 facebook games, but we wont talk about that )
I wont lie, it feels great when I look at what I did today. But all I did was forget my stupid cell phone. My punishments never fit my crimes.
I hear you V when you say turn up the volume, but I dont have to, my mind literally screams my faults. For hours. Now, my poor son will pay the most. Because by the time I get home, I will be dying for any kind of quiet. He is SOOO noisy. So I know I will be yelling at him a bunch tonight. But not meanly. Just to quiet down.
Oh well, the only way through this day is to get through it. The screaming will cease sooner or later. And my PMA will be back to normal. Just need to wait it out. And post here, even though I feel like such a freak when I do. Whatever. Freak is actually a step up from failure Baby steps, lol
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
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