WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE

[indigo1]

You are 100% right in that you cannot begin to reconcile until OM is out of the picture completely. The fact that she is hiding stuff and changing passwords tells me that unfortunately she is not ready to let go of OM. I've been through this dance before and what you describe about your W is spot on with how my W acted at first. If she was serious about giving the M another try she should be more that happy to give you complete access to everything and not get defensive when you question her. At this point you should not be concerned with sounding demanding in regards to NC on her part IMO.
She will do what she chooses to do, you have no control over that unfortunately.