Back on these forums again 6

[Mona52]

I still suffer from impostor syndrome, allot. My friend gave me his pc. He said no matter what he tried he could not install Windows 10 on it. Installing an operating system would be like Einstein teaching 1 + 1 = 2. But as soon as I touched it, I had a mini panic attack in my mind. My mind actually screamed at me that there was no way I was going to be able to ever help him.

My mind did not stop either. It went on to list practically every area of my life and how I am really not good enough for any of it. At any second people would look at me and realize what a fake and phony I am. I threw the PC in my car just as my mind was telling me I cant even cook mashed potatoes like a good Irish girl.

I tried to tell myself my mind is wrong, it is not real. It makes me feel better to tell myself that women in CalTech feel the same thing. But I could not bring myself to touch the stupid PC. The stress has been piling up the last few days because I have not fixed this darn thing.

I finally plugged it in today, and sure enough, Win 10 did not want to install. And sure enough, I found the updates it needed, services that had to be stopped and a back door way to install it in less than 30 minutes. It is happily installing at my desk right now.

My H used to pull me through. I pulled myself through. But I still am not able to crush the thoughts, I still have to go and perform an action to make myself partly believe. My action has to be something that not many people I know can do. If I would have just fixed the PC in an easy way, my mind would still make me feel 2 inches tall by telling me a monkey could have done that. Since it was slightly advanced, I am sort of able to tell my mind it is a big fat liar. But only sort of.

After that happens though, I face another problem. As soon as I fixed the stupid PC, my boss gave me a compliment on some work I did. It still feels like a punch in the gut when I hear the compliment. I cant stand it sometimes and I just want to run home and never, ever come back to work again.

I need a way to get through on my own. I used my H because he was the only person who knew my plate and all I did. I do not want my H. What I need is a way to get what he gave me. He said I am capable, so I believed him. I say I am capable, and I cant believe it. Other people say I am capable and it gives me pain to hear it. I can hold my degree in my hand and still not believe I should be considered a college grad.

A work around I have been using is time. When I start to feel extremely stupid, lazy, phony, a liar, I just can wait it out and the feeling passes after a while. I would prefer a better way to get past it. I just dont know where to begin. I will see my IC tomorrow. She will help me, but I can only talk to her once or twice a month so progress is so slow.