My new thread 1

[Tyler12]

Last night she came to me with a printed up separation agreement. All I could do is smile and laugh. When she said what. I said it's nothing.

I found it humorous because during the M there was a lot of times where her or I would suggest to do something right as the other would be thinking or say the same thing. If I didn't have volleyball last night I was going to give her sep. papers too. It was a bittersweet moment.
So I started reading it over. There are a few things I need to discuss with her but just as I start she gets a call and heads downstairs to talk. So I finishing reading it over and she texts me. You can go ahead and shower. We can look it over after.

Gee. Thanks! I can go shower and when it's better for you we can go over this? Was all I could think. I did go shower. I had a smoke and I went to bed.
She came up and says. Oh your in bed?
Ya it's late. we can look it over tomorrow. If it was an hour earlier I would be happy to go over it.
W im sorry it wasn't supposed to be that long of a call
Me. Ya well. And I went to bed

[Tyler12]

Finding myself really thinking a lot about the fact she will be gone Saturday.
Makes me scared that she is going. I still don't want to deal with the bs I have been with her here. I don't want her gone either.
It feels to me like once she goes that's it. It final.

[Mona52]

Hi Tyler,

The Light was a great song suggestion. Thanks!

Try and tell yourself feelings change. It feels like the end, but ONLY you can decide when it is the end. It is still all so new. This is a long long process. You are given the gift of time. It is up to what you do with this gift. I know this is so painful and confusing. You can lessen your pain if you can focus more on you. I know, impossible. Just keep trying. You will get there.

[Azzork]

Makes me scared that she is going.

Let's talk about this.

What EXACTLY are you afraid of?

It feels to me like once she goes that's it. It final.

This is your fear talking. Lets figure out what youre afraid of first and then come back to this.

[Tyler12]

I guess my fear is being alone. Losing a person that meant so much to me. Still does. A person that was my best friend. The one I felt I could go to with anything. Any emotion. It was never about the physical aspect with me or us. That was an amazing benefit of what we had. The emotional connection we had is what made me happy. I truly feel like my best friend died and I will never see them again

[Tyler12]

Your welcome Mona. That song is making me cope better. Funny how some music is great and then the next song you can't listen to one verse and you have to change it.
Focusing on myself isn't impossible. It is possible just difficult. And like I have seen many times on this forum. This is the hardest thing you will ever do

[vise82]

Hey Tyler,

I just caught up on your sitch and I have to say you are doing really good. You are not letting W warmness change your DBing plan. I wish I could have said the same for me.

W just gave me her S agreement she wrote also. I am waiting on hearing back from a lawyer. She was expecting a war after she gave it to me and I have not peeped a sound about it.

Stay strong. It good to read how well you are doing.

[Azzork]

I guess my fear is being alone.

What is it about being alone that scares you?

- being able to parent by yourself?
- being able to keep up your house?
- being afraid of the monster under your bed?
...
...
...

?

[Tyler12]

Thanks vise, each day is a new challenge. Some are better than others.
I tell myself why worry because she doesn't care. If she did she would ask how my day was( she is starting to). Talk about things other than her moving plans and life after Us ( also way way down from the way it used to be. Mostly because I told her if she still cares like she says she does she would see that it isn't something I want to talk about and to respect that).
What makes it tough is when she does things that make me wonder wtf. In which case I say thank you for that and leave it there. Ex. I had a container in my bag for lunch yesterday. It had rice and a sauce in it. Well the container opened and there was food everywhere inside my bag. I opened my bag at home to see this mess and just sighed and dropped my head, we both had a laugh at the misfortune because it sucked and it was funny. At which point she took the bag and cleaned it all out. Without me asking or her making it a point that she was doing it to look after me. Just picked it up and started cleaning it. I said you don't have to do that its my mess. It's fine I got it. Ok thank you. And that was that.
It's times like that that mess with my head and wonder what is going on. Her cleaning my backpack out doesn't mean she loves me again and is going to stay. Yet she didn't have to do it either

[Tyler12]

Azzork. I'm not really sure why I don't want to be alone. It is definitely not any of the reasons you listed. Except the monster under the bed is a cat we got before bday and it drives me nuts.
I think it's just coming home to an empty house. Not having someone I can talk to and sit with. A lack of companionship that only a person that knows you can fulfill