Here I am still

[kyrie]

Kyrie,

I spent yesterday rereading all of your threads. I know I "disappeared". So did you. Sometimes we just need a break from this place. Especially those of us further down the road.

I am going to be honest and you may wish I didn't return.

I see that not much has changed in any way what so ever since you began posting.

Your H is still doing his thing, whatever that may be.

You...are still doing yours...in the same way you were doing it 6 months ago.

What I see is that you are still looking for the "correct" thing to say or do to make this all be different.

There is no magic pill, as I hope you are beginning to figure out.I get that. I also get that I'm doing things all wrong, apparently. Even though I HAVE done many things differently. Consistency has been problematic...the advice MWD says is to try different things & go with what works...haven't been successful.

So you want to know what to do...

Everyone posting to you is telling you the same thing, some almost pleading with you because they feel your pain and know what worked for them. They are telling you to focus on yourself. Make changes within yourself. Work on KYRIE. Roger, got it, ok, sir yes sir.

REGARDLESS of how your H reacts.

Here is a secret that I didn't see mentioned anywhere.

If you try to make changes, try to validate, try 180's, etc...

UNLESS those changes etc are GENUINE, CONSISTENT, and become A PART OF THE NEW YOU...

Your H will see them as a trick or manipulation. (Which is how he is going to see them initially anyway and try to test you to see if he can bring out the "old Kyrie".

They also won't last because they are NOT a part of who you want to become.

So then they truely are fake. Just like he is accusing you of.

Changes HAVE to be for you. In order for them to stick.
again, got it. It's hard to change one's stripes, as they say, so I'm *TRYING*

Additionally, you keep talking about confession and repenting and you say you have done that regarding your mistakes. You say that like that is all you have to do and all is better.NOpe. It's just the first step - part of the listening with the spew jacket on, STFU and listen (as I understood it?)

What I feel you are missing is that when we repent of things, behaviors, etc...we can't keep repeating those behaviors or we haven't truly repented. WE MUST MAKE CHANGES. All we have done is said the words we think we are supposed to say. And I see that in your behavior.

(BTW, you don't have to confess everything to your H. Confess it to GOD.) done

Additionally, I see you still score keeping your H. Yes he is making choices you don't like right now. Things that in your opinion are sins. Grevious errors.

It isn't up to you to judge him. It isn't up to any other human being to judge him. That is something between him and his God.

The only thing you can do is decide if you can accept someone in your life who is acting so contrary to the type of person you want in your life or not.

And then you act based on what you are willing to accept or not.

I will keep checking in on you although I believe you are getting good solid advice, as you have all along.

Focus on YOU. Make changes for YOU. Work on your boundaries. Stop snooping (yes I recognize that you still have much intel that your H did not provide you.) Stop being judgemental. Stop waiting for your H to change in order for you to make changes. Stop worrying about what he thinks of you.

Become someone that YOU like. Someone that YOU are happy with.
Someone that YOU want to spend time with.

Your H will either see it over time and decide to join you, or he will continue down his path, whatever that may be for him.

You can do this if you make the choice.

PS...reread DB again. You still don't have a great grasp of the concepts, so you are confused as to how this can help YOU.
yeah, tricky but yeah. I actually grabbed a copy of "Sex Starved Wife" recently from the library. Probably not the best focus but MWD does address porn/adultery in it.... Gonna start a new thread on last night's stuff.