Here I am still

[kyrie]

Kyrie it seems to me that, to an extent, you are asking us theological questions.[color:#3366FF]
Theology matters - it makes a difference how we process things and how we make decisions.

I feel that we cannot answer those for you. Plus, I wouldn't know how to assess repentance in someone else. That's why we have to *say* it.

I have a few questions for you. 1) Do you know how your h's family was, with the issue of forgiveness? (In other words, did your h see forgiveness and or redemption, in his childhood?) Can't say for sure, but probably not. We were raised with it in the Church, but processing it for oneself is another matter entirely. I learned that at one point and it opened my eyes spiritually.

And growing up in your family, did You see forgiveness? IF So, what did it look like? Again, not much within the family, but within the Church, yes.


Below, you concede Zeus's point, but then say "BUT", which usually means the clause preceding the word, is to be discounted. You are saying the sin of an affair "of the eyes" is unacceptable if he's not repentant.
The "but" is because I see both equally. Not dismissing/discounting. Both are equal, and therefore conflicting for me.

Just so that I'm clear, you're saying that in a strong monogamous marriage, temptation won't be a struggle for either partner, b/c a h (or wife) won't even look at another with attraction? No. Everyone is tempted, I get that. It's what we believe and do about the temptation that makes the difference for the believer. Everyone struggles. Do you struggle or ignore conscience, ignore everything and just embrace it? That's why we're told repeatedly to "flee temptation", "repent". It's not that we can avoid the temptation. It's what we do about it. This is also H's belief as well, at least on paper anymore.

Is that^^ accurate? I'm not judging it. I'm trying to make sure I have clarity.
I know you have a lot to process.

What does that word mean to you? Sorry, which word??
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(still reading through everything) but realized something: 2 priciples are opposing each other and they both keep me feeling like I'm going against my own principles.
1. As many, esp. Zues has said,marriage is more important than the specific sins (each of ours)

but

2. An affair, including affair of the eyes (biblically speaking - and he has the same belief here) is unacceptable. Unrepentance is unacceptable. An affair can be forgiven. Unrepentance cannot.
So that's what it comes down to.
I've long felt like just being straight and asking: are you repentant? Because in the end, biblically, that's what makes the difference.
I don't want to live a double life. A fake life. It's killing me.
SO much to process.

When you say something is "Unacceptable", (please see my LONG note to you about that concept)...you have said it more than once. That word has implications but

like any unenforced boundary, those can be overlooked or reconsidered or renegotiated...or fought over, endlessly.

To me, it means Either you stay married and let it go, (not throwing it in his face again and not judging him or calling him out on his "sins"); [color:#FF0000]I hear you recommending this one ...so are you really saying that it just doesn't matter? How does that reconcile with what Jesus Christ himself says about adultery??

or you stay married and keep bringing it up... possibly letting every happy moment be polluted by the past...No, I know that's not healthy or good. I dont want to do that.

OR you get out...Is that it?

Kyrie, you do have choices here. None of your choices are easy. Each choice presented is very difficult, I know. But they are not complicated.


I do not know you well enough to assess this situation, but I know that sometimes people use religion as a tool for avoiding the harder choices, or for staying stuck, or judging others. I do NOT say that you have done this. I'm Just saying, it's happened.For me it's not about "judgement". It's about dealing with the brokeness (not just the symptom, but adultery is "adultery" - it weakens, mixes in something that *DOES NOT BELONG* and is a cancer. I know I have no righteousness of my own. I KNOW and admit that I've contributed to a bad relationship.

I spent a lot of my first year here being self righteous. Thing is, morally, I can say I probably was "right". But being "right" is not really the priority.

Hence the question, "do you want to be right - or do you want to be married?"

--And hopefully, happy--?
Look, I get that. I really do. I just don't know how to manage all the pain of it, nor "letting go" sometimes. THAT'S what I keep asking for.

Remember to Be the author of your life. You deserve to be.
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