Gmum - Please get a Lawyer. Your H is doing his best to make sure he is protected, no matter what. Next, he demeans you by implying you'll become lazy living off of him. So, his lifestyle may get to improve, but his D's doesn't? Only if she visits him?
You're married - the debt belongs to you both - but he's forgotten that right now. Of course it's your fault, just like him finding OW is your fault.
He won't quit his job. That would be ridiculous. This is intimidation to get you to stop what you're doing. It's easy to see from out here. Not so easy when you're in the storm. If you get a L, and he does quit his job...you'll still be protected, legally. Lots of WAS try this trick. They all wind up regretting it. Some are forced to work 2 or 3 jobs to make up for the income they lost by quitting a job in order to avoid having to pay more. Judges do not like it.
You need a lawyer to protect you and your daughter. I'm not kidding. WAH is not looking out for either of you. He's looking out for his future with OW.
I know he has had talks with his partner regarding restructuring his role on their company. Not exactly sure how that would work. I do know he wants to focus more on the European side of the company since D and I will live there. If he did quit or got a lower paying gig, wouldn't the child and spousal support go down as well?
No no, Ancaire. It's our relationship that has made him cheat on me. Twice. He's not someone who cheats. Don't forget that.
If he quits a higher paying job so that he has to pay less support? Judges have been known to have them pay at a higher rate (of their former job) forcing these jerks to work 2 or 3 jobs, because they're attempting to manipulate the legal system and get out of paying more money. Say he was a doctor, and child support would be $3000/monthly based on a salary of $150,000. He doesn't want to pay that much, so he quits and gets a job as a waiter paying $15,000 so his support will only be $300/monthly.
That is wrong. So men have been forced to pay support of $3000/mo, while they're only making $15,000 at their job because they are purposefully underemployed. It's illegal. Judges don't like it, and these men, if they can't get their old job back, have to work several jobs to afford the child support they were doing their best to NOT have to pay.
It's a big no-no, but every year, you hear of some idiot trying it. Then they wind up with problems they couldn't have dreamed of.
Now, if he's already paying support, and gets fired....he can ask for payments to be lowered. That is another legal process, a modification of an existing order.
I usually stay out of the L advice. People here give great L advice so I stick with other areas, but I am gonna break my no L advice record and say, Get A L.
He can quit his job all he wants, he will just get in trouble and STILL owe the money.
Remember, you come to these boards for help. Just, in this one instance, blindly follow the advice and put it out of your mind. Give the whole mess of money and support to your L and only when the L gives you reason to worry, then you can worry about what H is doing. He will see you as strong if you stand up for yourself.
I am positive you are very shaken by what happened. Today did not ruin anything. Please dont let your mind tell you that. One day does not help or ruin. Changes that are consistent over time are what helps or hurts.
This is a rollercoaster ride and what goes up must come down. Good days, bad days.
Trust me. I know you also feel like your sitch is a little different. People on these boards usually feel A) their sitch is so different that this wont work for them, or B) their sitch is so different that THEY will be able to do this quickly.
The absolute truth is your sitch is more similar than different to all of us, and you can have faith in the process. This will take time, time, time. Dont worry about today. Take steps for tomorrow.
After you get a L, what can you do to get your PMA up up up?
You're right. I always felt my situation was different. Mainly because of the international aspect and because my h was so eager to move on and get the divorce over and done with. But I guess my situation is just different because it's mine.
I had a friend over last night. That helped with my PMA although she told me a story about dating and sex that has now made me celibate for life. Yikes! And today I went on the treadmill for a pathetic run.
Regarding L, I'm getting dangerously close to hiring one. I'll see how this sweet cycle plays out later.
I had a friend over last night. That helped with my PMA although she told me a story about dating and sex that has now made me celibate for life. Yikes! That is the saddest story I have heard in a long time! If this board was no so public I could tell you about my week and you would be back on board, LOL.
Regarding L, I'm getting dangerously close to hiring one. I'll see how this sweet cycle plays out later.
I support you if you want to wait, but I think it is a very big mistake. I still think you should see a L. Today.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I had a friend over last night. That helped with my PMA although she told me a story about dating and sex that has now made me celibate for life. Yikes! That is the saddest story I have heard in a long time! If this board was no so public I could tell you about my week and you would be back on board, LOL.
Regarding L, I'm getting dangerously close to hiring one. I'll see how this sweet cycle plays out later.
I support you if you want to wait, but I think it is a very big mistake. I still think you should see a L. Today.
Man, I want to hear your story. I mean, Partner. Sorry if I offended you.
You might be right about the L. Meeting my friend tomorrow who is using the L. Will get more info from her.
My lovely I haven't commented on your thread before as I always like to read and take notes.
V is very keen on having an L in D sitches. Get a D specialist.
Go interview a few L find one you like and can work with. I saw 4 before I met my current one.
Keep your ducks in a row, make your communication clear with your L preferably in writing. Go armed with a list of assets and income.
Don't bypass your L it will increase cost in the long run, undoing the damage that you do.
I have no doubt that WH has an L in the background.
My WH is arrogant enough to do his own with the help of a 'friend'.
On this issue play niave "I don't know WH, my L will advise" and "very unsure" and "I feel I want an L"
Agree to nothing without your L.
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Remember your L is one of the few who has your back. This is your future and that of your child. Greedy OW types on the make (WH always affair down) can drain the coffers very quickly and you can be left with an insecure future.
This is business, take the emotion out of it and the thought WH won't like you getting an L will bring him back if you say "please walk all over me and I can live on a pittance, whilst you and OW rock it". Sweetheart he has already D you, sacked you as his W, now he's negotiating redundancy terms. You should be talking share of income and assets including possibly a lien on his future income. Do get mad get practical.
Think of WH and you being in business of creating a family and a life. 50% of that is yours including the future profits of your labours. (Pun intended).
If you want to get grounded research an English Lawyer called Marilyn Stowe for 99p about $1.30 she has a book on practicalities of D. It isn't just UK stuff in it, she includes a section on managing your R with your L to contain cost.
Listen to the advice given to you (and by the way for a new poster A is very grounded, said everything I wanted to say, most eloquently) You only get one shot at this, donot make that shot go into your own foot.
Get your L this is business gf. If it helps think that every sou you keep is one out of OW purse. In addition it takes the nasty away, you can hide behind your L, and just shrug.
This is not personal it's business and your family future.
If you dont protect your familys interests then you can't change your mind later, it can be a done deal and expensive to rectify.
What ever happens in the future is irrelevant, your entitlement and need is now.
Spot on Anc, sweet cycle, it gets much easier to spot as time goes on! Comes with a big here I am placard.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
My lovely I haven't commented on your thread before as I always like to read and take notes.
V is very keen on having an L in D sitches. Get a D specialist.
Go interview a few L find one you like and can work with. I saw 4 before I met my current one.
Keep your ducks in a row, make your communication clear with your L preferably in writing. Go armed with a list of assets and income.
Don't bypass your L it will increase cost in the long run, undoing the damage that you do.
I have no doubt that WH has an L in the background.
My WH is arrogant enough to do his own with the help of a 'friend'.
On this issue play niave "I don't know WH, my L will advise" and "very unsure" and "I feel I want an L"
Agree to nothing without your L.
---------------------
Remember your L is one of the few who has your back. This is your future and that of your child. Greedy OW types on the make (WH always affair down) can drain the coffers very quickly and you can be left with an insecure future.
This is business, take the emotion out of it and the thought WH won't like you getting an L will bring him back if you say "please walk all over me and I can live on a pittance, whilst you and OW rock it". Sweetheart he has already D you, sacked you as his W, now he's negotiating redundancy terms. You should be talking share of income and assets including possibly a lien on his future income. Do get mad get practical.
Think of WH and you being in business of creating a family and a life. 50% of that is yours including the future profits of your labours. (Pun intended).
If you want to get grounded research an English Lawyer called Marilyn Stowe for 99p about $1.30 she has a book on practicalities of D. It isn't just UK stuff in it, she includes a section on managing your R with your L to contain cost.
Listen to the advice given to you (and by the way for a new poster A is very grounded, said everything I wanted to say, most eloquently) You only get one shot at this, donot make that shot go into your own foot.
Get your L this is business gf. If it helps think that every sou you keep is one out of OW purse. In addition it takes the nasty away, you can hide behind your L, and just shrug.
This is not personal it's business and your family future.
If you dont protect your familys interests then you can't change your mind later, it can be a done deal and expensive to rectify.
What ever happens in the future is irrelevant, your entitlement and need is now.
Spot on Anc, sweet cycle, it gets much easier to spot as time goes on! Comes with a big here I am placard.
V
Everything you say makes so much sense. I keep moving my boundary for when I've had enough. I'm absolutely terrified the job, I could get with his help, won't work out. I have no clue what I will do then. I will also do everything to make sure we can coexist peacefully for our daughter's sake. I can't imagine not being able to be in the same room as him. I know of people who do drops ofs and pick ups through a third party because they can't stand the sight of one another. I just can't do that to her.
I really don't think my H has a lawyer. He wouldn't spend the money unless he had to. And he probably knows that I would be very reluctant too. (Already consulted with one)
Just caught him in another lie. He is with OW. Spending the night with her before going away for more than a month. Guess it doesn't matter.
Thank you for weighing in, it is very much appreciated.
Mona and Rouky, I just met my friend for lunch. I only know her because we're both going through a divorce. She is further in the process and gives good advice. Thank you for your thoughts. I'm thinking of you two too.
