I understand what you're very ably conveying - but I disagree with your perception. You may not have the resilience I do, but resiliency can be learned and enhanced. I was the eldest child in my family, which was led by an alcoholic man who could never be counted on in any way that counts. That fact alone is responsible for much of my resilience. I was forced to become that way in order to take over a role a child shouldn’t have – my mother’s fill-in in whatever area of running the home and taking care of my siblings she most needed help. My mother was generous, loving, and kind; but sadly most of her attention was necessarily focused on my out-of-control father, keeping him from destroying our home or persons with his frequent rages, depressed spewing, or sometimes even out of control happiness. Living with him was like making a home in a tornado…always unsettled and anything but calm.
Which are you in your family’s birth order?
I adore your ability to peek into posts and develop a near-perfect perception of a person’s true self. What a rare gift you have! You've developed me really well. I am flattered and shocked at how accurately you've picked up on different aspects of my personality, and you've crafted that into a depiction with words so beautifully, that I would want to be me, if I weren't already!
Clumsy? Mechanical? LOL Not even close, Jelly. This is where your perception is off. I sense a bit of shyness, a hint of fear of being rejected and hurt - but nowhere near being unable to connect. You connect brilliantly. You have a pure heart which absolutely shines through your posts like nothing I have ever seen. Ever. You touch people in a very sincere way, which is so unexpected as to be gift-like – words from Jelly are to be treasured, read over and over again.
You are: Engaging. Soulful. Endearing. Captivating. Charming. Sweet. Generous. You paint highly detailed pictures with words alone. You see past the surface into the depths. That might frighten some. There are lots of people in the world who are hiding in plain sight. I could read anything you care to share for hours! You have insight that I don’t believe I’ve ever encountered.
Even though we both suffer from the same mental disorder, you fit the term I love to use, melancholy, beautifully. I love that term for you – I think it’s romantic and deep -a sweet, sweet sadness. I view you as a woman of mystery and depth, being blessed with a secret knowledge straight from the universe. You’re more like me than you realize – we fit in the same cup! I’m froth to your espresso. We both care deeply about people. We both enjoy meeting and talking with people. We enjoy learning about them, observing, finding the hidden treasures that make them unique. I’m deep. You are deeper and deepest. I mean that as a compliment, truly.
We moved over and over and over when I was growing up. My father was always chasing rainbows and my mother was dutiful and obedient. As a result, I was forced to become even more friendly than I would have been otherwise. It’s hard being the “new kid” all the time – so I learned how to make a connection with strangers quickly as somewhat of a guard against pain. So, yes, I learned how to quickly make connections; it was key to my survival! My siblings did, as well. We’re a friendly, effusive bunch!
My mother is shy. My father was very outgoing – but his childhood was remarkably similar to mine. I’m happy to say that a lot of traits passed down through my dad’s side of the family have ended with this generation – not that we don’t carry the scars – we just didn’t continue the dysfunction to the extent earlier generations seemed okay to live with. It needed to end.
I love to write, but haven’t done it in years. Your magical way with words has actually inspired me to take up writing again. I’ve started a short story, with you as the star! I need to finish it and post it so you can see it. It’s just for fun, but I think you would enjoy it.
I’m sorry you seem to be going through a rough time right now. I’m sure I’ll be there again one day – I’m just hoping it’s not soon. I’ve learned so much since I started this journey of self-discovery that I’m hoping to one day be completely in control…I don’t know if it’ll happen or not, but it’s my goal. I’d settle for being 80% in control! Wouldn’t that be a dream?
I’m grateful for you, Jelly. I’m not the only one. You’re making progress. I can see the difference in you from your old threads to now. It’s remarkable, really. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You don’t deserve that.
