Have you read all of the homework? Okay, then how about........
No Mr. Nice Guy (free download), and Codependent No More
Thank you for sharing about your family and upbringing. I can see why you could have abandonment issues. I cannot tell you that I've been in your shoes, but I will tell you this, FWIW, and hope it doesn't sound too cliche. Relatives do not necessarily make a family, and a family is not necessarily relatives. I think the definition of a family should be those who are bound together by love.
I do know that feeling of being in a crowd and feeling lonely. I also think that feeling alone causes one to see others as being too busy with their own families to have time for any "single" person. (Although, it's true that people are really busy with young families). I am not just referring to you, but others I have seen trying to adjust when they find themselves alone for the first time.
We are pulling for you!
Yes, I read DB twice, The 5 Love Languages, and The Seven Principles that make marriages work.
I will check those out too. Thank you.
Regarding the relatives being family I agree 100%. I lost my own relatives, and in the beginning I had a hard time getting close to my in laws for the same reason, that they weren't my own blood relatives, so they weren't family. Over the 15 years the W and I were together, I let go and truly accepted them as my family and have been so grateful for that over the years. Losing them has been really hard. It makes me feel like it's just another abandonment.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
My W was a source of strength when dad died, and during the awkward reuniting process, and I had to do it alone this time. I stayed as late as I could stand to, but I still carry those feeling I felt as an 11 or 12 year old boy who felt abandoned so long ago. At 34 I feel like I should be stronger than this, but my life has been one cycle of abandonment after another.
I had a strong fear of abandonment. I didn't know where it came from. I didn't really feel like I had ever been abandoned necessarily.
When I talked about this to IC we spoke a little bit about my childhood (although we normally don't go into history). There were some really hard years while I was 12+. During this time I remember making the decision to not feel my feelings. I read the book 'Dune', and there were mentats that were like walking computers. Kind of like Spock in Star Trek. And I thought that would be a better way to live. So I started convincing myself that feelings were just 'interesting', and nothing that really mattered to me. Hard to explain unless you have been through it. IC calls it 'dissociation', where we disconnect severely from our feelings.
How does this tie to fear of abandonment? Well, it turns out I was abandoned. See, from the time I was 12 I didn't acknowledge myself. I didn't hear the voice of my own feelings. I just took that hurt and scared child and stuffed him into a closet. When he whimpered or cried for help I turned up the radio and pretended he wasn't there. This lasted over 20 years. So what happened to cause this fear of abandonment? I abandoned myself.
Because of that I was always looking for someone else to care-take my feelings for me, and I was always terrified that they'd leave me alone. This lead to several things. Massive co-dependency issues where I'd try to control my partner's behavior to get what I 'needed'. Excessive and impossible demands that made my partner feel insufficient and continuously criticized. And counter-intuitively enough instead of being on my best behavior for fear of being abandoned, I seemed to be on my worst, as if trying to act out so as to assure myself that if she didn't leave me now she never would (like testing the strength of the relationship for reassurance continuously...not good). It also led to me continuing to avoid my emotions by overachieving, I would set goals and charge for them, because when I was 100% focused on what was in front of me I didn't feel my pain, so I turned my pain into motivation and would practice pool for hours, work overtime, just do whatever to keep busy, and show my 'worldly success' as proof that I was a good guy. Although I always felt insufficient because I knew I was a bottomless pit and something was wrong.
Since I realized this post BD I have been there to take care of myself. Every time I hurt I spend a minute picturing my feelings as a small 12 year old me in a closet, and I make sure to welcome him out, be with him, hug him, assure him it will be ok, and most of all promise I won't abandon him again, and prove it by giving myself the type of nurturing I was always craving from my XW.
Not sure if any of that sounds familiar, take what helps and keep doing your own searching for answers.
My individual therapist has been bringing up some similar aspects of my past/present mindset. Especially the little boy feeling so abandoned. Had I had this therapy two years ago, I could have really dug in on what I had, appreciated it, and worked on my marriage and strengthened those relationships, but I took them for granted. Now that I am only in therapy at this moment, I told her that it is hard for me to go back and tell that little boy that everything is going to be OK, when I feel that from then until now, not much has been OK for very long. I have another appointment tonight, and I am looking forward to it.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
I didn't have a whole lot going on over the weekend, but a turn for the worst with my MIL turned my mindset upside down. She basically in her pain of loving me like a son, and hurting for her daughter, and dealing with her own pains she has been dealing with, started a fight with my W, which then my W turned on me. I feel like all of the great progress we made, was turned upside down. The W was not happy that she was woken up at 6:30 am on a Saturday to get yelled at, and took it out on me. I was completely crushed and heartbroken that I was being cast out. I went all weekend on a few bites of food, I was extremely sick, and really had a hard time.
I still went out with my re-united after 20 years siblings. It was weird, but it went ok. Couldn't eat much, but managed to have a decent time. Went to a football party, and I dont even like football. Had an OK time there too. Yesterday I spent some time with a friend and his wife. Same thing, had an OK time.
Today I do not feel massively better by any means, but maybe one little tiny spec better, which is something. Ate a little bit. I have a coaching session today, and a therapy appointment today.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Had a good coaching session yesterday. I felt pretty good afterwards, but one small thing at work brought all of my anxiety back. I have an appointment in 2 weeks to talk about getting on something medically to just take the edge off. I was already high anxiety, and this situation is making it much worse, so I am looking forward to having a little help to get through the day.
Had a good individual therapy appointment last night as well. Left there feeling pretty confident about spending the time working on me. I slept much better last night, woke up still a bit tired, but got through my workout. Ate a little bit of food at breakfast, and my anxiety has been up and down all day. Per my coach, I am making lists of positives in my life, and trying to mentally stick to those.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Had a decent day yesterday overall. A few times of very high anxiety, but found a way to recover. Reached out to a relatively new friend that I don't see a lot. I was expecting him to understand what I am doing in the divorce busting, but he couldn't understand why I would hang on to hope. I got off the phone, and just chalked it up to, this is just him trying to see me to a happier time more quickly, even if divorce is not what I want. Didn't go out or anything, just stayed home and did some much needed laundry, and spent the rest of the night watching some shows and talking to my cousin.
Woke up early, and I knew instantly that my sleep was not great last night. I feel exhausted, maybe a cold coming on. Still did a workout, but I dogged it for sure. I am yawning as I write this, lol. I am heading to a divorce/separation support group at a local church tonight. Let's see how that goes.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Reading over the last page of your sitch I saw similarities in our fear of abandonment. It sure does real havoc when it plays itself out in a relationship.
I also saw that you will be going to a support group at church. Hope that goes well for you. I'm planning to do the same tomorrow evening.
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
I'm glad you've read DB, however I wasn't asking about it. The "homework" reading is in that first post that Cadet sent you. It has information you need to use as basic tools.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, Thank you for clarifying. I was confusing the DB coach homework. Yes I have been reading, and re-reading the Cadet post information. I am reading the validation post this morning, for the third time. Reading something once for me makes me aware of its existence, twice keeps it in my mind for a good amount of time. Third time I really start to put into practice what I read with attention to the details of what I am reading.
After that I usually go back as needed for specific purposes and seeking out answers for questions I still have.
I am not a person who can read something once, and retain more than 20% of it. Sometimes I am reading to fast looking for the easy answer, but my mind works better when I truly start to understand the whys of something working.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Reading over the last page of your sitch I saw similarities in our fear of abandonment. It sure does real havoc when it plays itself out in a relationship.
I also saw that you will be going to a support group at church. Hope that goes well for you. I'm planning to do the same tomorrow evening.
I went to a service at the church, and while I did not really like it, I still plan on using the support group if they don't mind me going. I went to a second service that day at another new church and found my new home church. So in one weekend, I found a support group and a new church that I like, although they are not the same place.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
The W just called me for some small finance related talk. She stayed on the phone for a few minutes and told me about some things improving in her health, her upcoming IC appointment, some stuff at home with her parents, and other small talk.
My DB coach said it would be OK to casually invite her out for something small like coffee or an ice cream, so I asked, and she said yes. I have plenty of time between now and Sunday to gather my thoughts, and approach this the right way, as friends. I am finding listening, you know, really listening is becoming easy. I have always struggled to stay in a conversation with anyone, and that is something I am doing to improve all of my relationships with coworkers, friends, and family. I am getting so much more out of these relationships already.
She was no longer angry about what happened with her mother and I, and said her mother was way overreacting. I responded that I can see why she would feel that way, given the situation, and I wish it hadn't happened. She came back with there was a lot more going on in her mom's life than I had known prior to it all.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
