Need support navigating the change in my marriage

[Mona52]

Although I would be cordial, I would speak to her like I would a supermarket cashier. Should have kept quiet because the W says that is what has pushed her away the most.

Bull. You cant believe what she is saying. SHE might believe it, but I reiterate... bull.

I felt the same way you did when I landed here. I felt that going dark was more of the same. It is not. You can rationalize it is a cheeseless tunnel to continue to ignore her since that is what got you here, but she really needs to feel what life is like without you. She needs to get a taste of the consequences of her actions.

But forget all of that. It does not matter yet what you do or how she feels. What is happening to you is so emotionally painful. If you live with her, you live on a constant roller coaster. Is she happy, is she mad, is she sad? Does she miss me? Is she thinking of OM? The list is infinate and your mind will churn through these questions repeatedly until you go insane. THAT is why you need to pull far away from her. Not to trick her, not to show her. But if you dont start to prepare for the battles she is about to bring to you, you will go through so much unnecessary pain.

Pulling away takes a ton of practice. And patience. You could be pulled away for years. Compared to the rest of your lives together it is not a long time, but there is no way to hurry it along. The only way for you to come out the other end of this okay is to focus on yourself only. Make yourself only a fool would leave and let her go as much as possible.

[G8r]

Thanks Mona52. I'm trying to give a taste of what things will be lime by doing things on my time frame if I feel inclined to do those things, such as getting the groceries from the car last night. She wanted in done immediately, I didn't mind helping but I told her I would do it after I had dinner. She huff, puffed and got them herself all the while telling me I needed to help around the house until I move out. My help is something she will definitely miss if I move out but that's the problem. I don't want to move out and she feels entitled to the house.

I'm confused because I hear a lot of people on the forum say to stay in the house but it is so difficult to get her to miss me by staying. Sometimes I wonder if I couldn't have gotten back on track to R if I had just went ahead and moved out 2 months ago...

[Mona52]

I also wonder if living together makes things worse. I see people on here struggle with DB'ing every day, eggshells always at home. I DB with my H only when I feel like it. I need to relax and think of myself when I am at home.

It is fantastic that you are not letting her bully or control. It is easy to think if they get mad they will be pushed farther away. But the truth is that it is hard to be attractive to someone who does not ever stand up for themselves.

[G8r]

I've been trying giving that idea more thought. She views my refusal to move out as more evidence that I'm still not listening to her. At some level, I believe that moving out would help her to miss me and it would help to dissipate her anger towards me, 2 obstacles blocking my hopes for R.

[G8r]

Had minimal interaction with W yesterday, partly on purpose and partly because had professional development activities that I needed to attend. My W asked about it so I told her that one of the things that they mentioned was listening. She quickly said that is something I definitely need. I laughed and told her she was right. Overall, the interaction was pleasant.

[Mona52]

Great job keeping contact short and pleasant! Keep adding pleasant times up. They can help break through her 'proof' everything was bad.

[G8r]

Thanks for the support Mona52. My interactions with her are something I can control if I don't let myself get caught in my emotions. Didn't notice nor did I expect a change but if I keep adding positive interactions to our daily interactions while I'm still in the same house her wall may begin to crumble.

However, I'm still realistic. Still expecting her to follow through with D.

[G8r]

Two days in a row with only positive interactions between the W and I. She and I even had a good laugh. I called AAA because I thought the starter (figured out that I would have to remove the manifold and more parts than I would like to do it myself) in my Element died and the car would need to be towed to a mechanic. Although the guys said he was from Tim's automotive, I thought he said he was from Pimp's automotive so I asked him if he, in fact, said he was from Pimp's automotive. My W couldn't help but to crack up laughing. The things you hear when you have poor hearing.

On a side note, turns out it wasn't my starter. Apparently, it was a solenoid in my gear shift. Although it looked like it was in park, it wasn't. AAA guy tried to jump start as had I. When that didn't work, he shifted the car to neutral, returned it to park and this time it started right up when he jumped it. Nice to have something go in my favor. Seems like nothing has in a while.

[Mona52]

Wow! That saved you a few bucks. See, when we believe everything is going horrid, if we just open our eyes we can see some things will go right.

Expectations at zero! She may be nice to make this easier on herself. It happens almost every time. Our WAS shows the slightest signs of being nice and we beg for a R talk. NO R talks. The feeling will be overwhelming.

If you need to hear a R talk come on here. I can nag with the best of them. I swear it will feel like you are actually speaking to your W

[G8r]

Lol. Thanks Mona52. I'm cool with the R talk. Definitely not the time for one even with her sending mixed messages, or at least I used to see them as mixed messages.

For example, she went online to order tickets to see Peter Rabbit at a local play house because I mentioned a few weeks ago that it would be nice to take D3 to see it. She texted me to see if I wanted to go so I said yes. On the other hand she said, "it's my weekend, but I thought it was best for her". On the one had she wants to do something as a family but she is quick to remind that D mentality has taken hold.