I think it's fact that your H tried to let go of the old W to let go of the OW is still a good sign. If this really is an addiction, like they say, then it may take more time. But I recall from your posts that he was willing to tell her not to come over the holidays. That's good. These OWs are very crafty and they get their hooks into our spouses and they can't disentangle. In my case, they had no contact for about 10 days, then the OW texted her again right before she left for the holidays. I know, it makes no sense. My W is saying the OW makes her feel unsafe, but she still can't let her go. It must be like heroin. But again, the fact that your H was willing to try it again with you means he still not sure what he wants. Maybe he knows your Plan B. And they want what they can't have.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYGal, About a month after the origional BD, I had a Dr appt to check out a lump that was in my armpit. H said "No one should have to do that alone" and wanted to come with me. I told him that was fine but he didn't have to if he didn't want to. He insisted he did. Meanwhile, he kept talking to OW and pushing me away. On the morning of the appt, I texted him to see if he still wanted to go. He never texted me back so I went alone. The Dr checked the lump out, and then found an additional lump in my breast on the other side and referred me to have a mammogram asap. I was mad at H, not because he didn't go, but because he ignored my text and didn't even tell me that he wasn't going. Anyway, I talked to him on the phone and he knew I was mad, but he asked me about the appt. and I told him. He started sounding weird on the phone and I eventually went to his house to check on him. He had hidden his car in the back so I wouldn't know he was home. When I saw it in the back, I went back there to talk to him (this was WAY before I found this site!). Anyway, that conversation only lasted about 5 minutes and he went into a full panic attack. I have NEVER seen him like that before. He basically just told me that he couldn't "be there" for me and he was sorry and then just started crying and freaked out...walked away from me just leaving me standing there in his back yard. I was so concerned about him that I called his daughter to go check on him to make sure he was okay. I have, since then, seen him VERY upset, anxious, and tearful. On Jan 1st when we were back together and he told me again that he needed space and didn't want to see me anymore (second BD date), he went into a full panic attack again. I have had panic attacks, so I know how scary it can be, but it breaks my heart to see him hurting like that. That is NOT who he is. That's why I know that he is very confused and having a hard time with life these days, and a hard time coping in general. I just keep telling myself that I can't fix or control him, but I just want to give him a hug.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
It's just really hard because I try to believe what he tells me, but I know that you're not supposed to believe ANYTHING they tell you. After not seeing me for 5 weeks, he was SO glad to see me and just kept repeating "I never thought this would happen." He was talking about me coming back to him. I reminded him that I was giving him the space that HE asked for. He apologized over and over for hurting me and for the OW, and for the way he treated me. He told me that he has led her to believe that he wanted a future with her, but that that was not anything that he had ever wanted. And, he stopped talking to her the very next day. She kept texting him though. He said he didn't respond, and I tried to believe that, but who knows. He didn't even have to think about it. He saw me and immediately wanted to break it off with her. I didn't ask him to do that, didn't lead him in that direction, he just told me and then did it. So WTF happened 12 days later that made him have a panic attack and break it off with ME again? That's what I just don't get. If I could just understand what happened in his mind, his thinking process, then maybe I could understand. But, I seem to be having a problem making sense out of nonsense.
And, when the OW came walking into his house while I was there, I could have just died! I just stood there in complete shock and wished the floor would swallow me whole. That is a memory that I am afraid will replay over and over in my mind until the day I die. just can't get the image of her and the sound of her voice out of my head.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB, I know what you mean about wanting to give him a hug. I feel the same way when I hear W say she's feeling paranoid, not safe, and is having anxiety attacks. My friends try to remind me that she has brought this on herself, and that I should have no pity or concern. But they are not in our relationships. They don't know how much we love these crazy people. It's easy to say we should keep the focus on ourselves, not on our wayward spouses, and definitely not on the 0W. But it's much harder to put into practice. Still, I know we need to take care of ourselves. They're certainly not capable of taking care of us. MB, what's the status of the lumps? I went through a bout of breast cancer four summers ago. All is well so far.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
MB - He gets anxious and upset around you because of guilt, pure and simple. OW has nothing to do with you. You're not even connected in his mind.
One thing I've read about MLCers is that they know what they're doing is wrong - they just cannot seem to help themselves. Whatever they are working through (past issues) has changed their brain chemistry to the point that the urge is unstoppable. It's really hard to understand - but I've done so much reading on the subject, seen identical signs in my own H - that I know what the experts are saying is true.
They've done countless interviews with people who have come out of the crisis, and they all say the same thing. They knew what they were doing was wrong, they just couldn't help themselves. They were fighting themselves the entire time, which is why they seem so confused at times. They are!
The important thing for you to realize is that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, you can do to change the course. ALL you can do is focus on you for now. If you keep watching him, it's going to keep hurting - because he's going to do things that are so contrary to his nature. He's not the same man. Everything that was "good" is now "bad". His morals? He's cut off from them. He's cut off, emotionally, from all of the things that mattered to him in varying degrees. His kids. His family. You had to become the villain to justify his bad choices. Somewhere inside him he knows that is not true.
Learn everything you can about MLC. Understanding it will allow you some compassion. That's the best you can hope for right now. MLC runs about 5 - 7 years. Can you imagine feeling the pain you do now for that long? Don't do it. Detach. Work on you. You've got plenty of healing to do from the hurt he's inflicted. Hurt that he wouldn't have inflicted if he were in his right mind, absolutely. It has to run it's course, MB.
If they return too early, it never works out. They are the victim of urges they don't understand and can't explain. Can you imagine having him come back for another 12 days, and then leaving again, over and over, for 5 -7 years? No, no, and no. You have to let him go. You have to let him resolve whatever is eating him from within, and he just cannot do that with you.
It is horrible. It is absolutely horrible. I'm right here, in the same place, with you. What if it's not MLC? There is that possibility - but many of the same things are true of an affair. Their brain chemistry is off, badly. It's like you're dealing with a heroin addict. They HAVE TO turn you into the bad guy, or the guilt of what they're doing would eat them alive. Personally, I'd rather they have guilt than an affair - but once it gets that far? It has to run its' course.
My H agreed to work on it, too. His heart was not in it. He absolutely cares about me. I can see it in the way he talks to me, his mannerisms around me...it almost makes it worse. I'm a little ahead of you. I've realized I have to leave him to his own mess. I haven't given up, by any means. I've just realized nothing I do will change the course he's on. He has to do it himself, or he'll just do it again. I couldn't deal with this again. Period. I'm just beginning to crawl out of the hole I've been in, and have no desire to go back.
I'm taking a chance, yes. But the way I've framed it to myself, is that I'm taking a chance for a future M with my H that is far superior to the one we have now. If I let him go, so that he can learn for himself that happiness is not to be found "out there", if he comes back, I'm going to have a properly remorseful H - one who is willing to do the work with me to have the M we both want so desperately.
H is not at the point yet where he really understands what he's done. He has to get there, or we're going to wind up at this place again. He needs to experience genuine, deep sorrow. He needs to fight to get his place back, so that he understands its' worth. I don't ever want him to leave me again. I couldn't survive this twice.
Am I happy with this? No. Am I content? No. But I do accept it. I do accept that our single hope for a better future completely relies on him crashing and burning. He needs to learn this lesson. I won't be willing to take him back unless he does. Now that I've accepted it, I've come to kind of a bittersweet peace. I'll work on me. I've got plenty to work on. I'll be happy in each moment, because I've got the privilege of still having moments to experience. That is no small thing. I know who I want to be - and I'll spend this time becoming the best version of myself that I can.
I hope my thought process helps you a bit. I know, completely know, just how much pain you're in. The process of getting out of that pain largely relies on how you choose to view your present circumstances. It's a hard concept to grasp, but once you finally do, you will find some peace.
You'll be able to give the best of yourself to your children, because they desperately need you to give them that right now. You'll reach a place of compassion and forgiveness that feels so much better than confusion and anger. You'll start to grow as a person, and that feels great! You'll have the comfort of knowing you're on the right track - you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing with your life: living it, learning from it, enjoying it, prizing each moment for being lucky enough to have the moments to live in the first place.
I wish, so very badly, there were a way to take some of this pain from you. I've shared what helped me: learn all that you can about MLC, make conscious choices about how you choose to look at different situations, and be thankful that there is a chance in the future.
It'll get easier the more you do the above. Time will pass. Acceptance will settle in. I can actually look at H now, knowing all that he's done, and feel compassion and forgiveness. That took some doing, let me tell you! I can be pleasant to him. I can talk with him about minor things. No R talks, no "I love yous", no deep conversations; however even that beats that hateful silence that was in place before I reached this stage.
It's hard, but it can be done. I promise. I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder, and came far too close to just giving up. I had letters written and a plan in place. I was freakishly calm about it, too. The pain was more than I could handle. It was the thought of my children losing not one, but both, of their parents to extreme selfishness that pulled me back from the edge. I love them enough to live for them.
Your H is confused, and it's showing. Once you learn more about MLC, you can almost watch him like a science experiment - and even that is a huge step in the right direction!
Everything is okay. When they looked at the mammo they didn't see anything alarming. Guess I should have included that in my post! You know, the odd thing is that H knew about both of them and that I was having a mammo to evaluate them. He has NEVER asked how the mammo turned out. Not sure how he could just FORGET about it, but I guess he has. I told you about it and you immediately ask how it turned out. Not him though!
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
And, NYGal, I'm glad to hear that you're doing well and are cancer free!
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I wonder if the OW freaked out to see you in his house too! He had a panic attack because he knew she was on her way. Basically, they're cowards. If they put half as much energy into the marriage as they did into the affair, we'd all live happily ever after. The relationship with the OW is doomed. The question is, will he come back to you and stay? We can try to remain optimistic, at least until reality knocks us upside the head and we know we have to change course. And in the meantime, let's GAL and truly work on making ourselves better people. That way, if we're on our own we'll do fine, and if we're with them, we'll have a better chance of a successful relationship. I just can't give up on the relationship yet, but most importantly, I can't give up on me.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
When they are in MLC and have an affair, that's the "replay" stage which is about halfway through the MLC journey. With that being said, when he stopped talking to her and turned back to me does that mean that he started coming out of the replay stage to depression, but then decided to go back in? If so, then he could be about halfway through with his journey.
I have read a LOT about MLC and the journey that they take. I just wrestle with the thoughts that if SHE is there with him through his MLC and I ignore him and stay away, then when he comes out of it, she will be the one that he remembers being there for him so he will stay with her because he sees her as loyal to him. My thinking might be right, but that sounds logical to me.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
