Back to square one, not sure I can do this again!

[- MB -]

NYGal,
About a month after the origional BD, I had a Dr appt to check out a lump that was in my armpit. H said "No one should have to do that alone" and wanted to come with me. I told him that was fine but he didn't have to if he didn't want to. He insisted he did. Meanwhile, he kept talking to OW and pushing me away. On the morning of the appt, I texted him to see if he still wanted to go. He never texted me back so I went alone. The Dr checked the lump out, and then found an additional lump in my breast on the other side and referred me to have a mammogram asap. I was mad at H, not because he didn't go, but because he ignored my text and didn't even tell me that he wasn't going. Anyway, I talked to him on the phone and he knew I was mad, but he asked me about the appt. and I told him. He started sounding weird on the phone and I eventually went to his house to check on him. He had hidden his car in the back so I wouldn't know he was home. When I saw it in the back, I went back there to talk to him (this was WAY before I found this site!). Anyway, that conversation only lasted about 5 minutes and he went into a full panic attack. I have NEVER seen him like that before. He basically just told me that he couldn't "be there" for me and he was sorry and then just started crying and freaked out...walked away from me just leaving me standing there in his back yard. I was so concerned about him that I called his daughter to go check on him to make sure he was okay. I have, since then, seen him VERY upset, anxious, and tearful. On Jan 1st when we were back together and he told me again that he needed space and didn't want to see me anymore (second BD date), he went into a full panic attack again. I have had panic attacks, so I know how scary it can be, but it breaks my heart to see him hurting like that. That is NOT who he is. That's why I know that he is very confused and having a hard time with life these days, and a hard time coping in general. I just keep telling myself that I can't fix or control him, but I just want to give him a hug.