Jelly, I want to give you the world's biggest hug. I understand so much of what you're conveying. I'm going to agree with the part in which you say, "it's time".
It really is. I took a giant breath, said a prayer to strengthen my faith, and them took that giant leap into the unknown - partly because you were right there, telling me I could do it!
Living with melancholy (I love this more romantic term for depression!) really is like living with two versions of yourself: You've got the strong, capable woman you know you can be, and often are. Then you've got the frightened, insecure woman who is always whispering "you can't" in your ear.
You can. I know you absolutely can. You're going to have to fake it until you feel it. Reach out when you need someone to tell you you can do it. Some of us are damaged in a way that makes us doubt ourselves. But we have more empathy than a lot of people can even imagine having, because we feel everything so very deeply.
I personally find you to be one of the most beautiful, genuine, and loving women I've ever had the pleasure to know. It doesn't matter that I've not met you IRL. I "see" you in your beautiful, thoughtful posts. Jelly, I'm not the only one.
If you have to, while you're getting ready to take the leap, borrow strength from us - those who believe in you. Tap into our vision of you and use that to move forward. Just don't fall into listening to the whisper that will tell you you'll let us down. There's no way. No matter what, there is no way you'll let us down.
I know you will get there in time. Even if you don't, you will continue to be as lovely a person to me as ever. You can just be yourself, and you'll be admired.
You've got the most poetic, prose-like way with the written word I've ever seen. I could read anything you care to write for hours. It's hauntingly gorgeous, Jelly.
We'll stumble...but remember, that's not because we're broken. It's because we're human. My greatest insight has been from the realization that I'm not "broken" - I'm unique! Deep-feeling, thoughtful, kind, caring...all qualities I admire in others.
I've been so honest about who I am here - and have found nothing but love and acceptance in return. So much so, that I've learned to love and accept myself again, too. You're doing the same thing - and I can tell...you are fiercely loved by people here. You touch people. That is beautiful. As are you.
Ancaire thank you so much for the empathetic and kind post. I know you get it. I know your struggles, but I also see so many of your strengths. Sometimes I see a mother hen in you rounding up her chicks, heads counted and everyone provided with a tap on the head, ensuring that they know they have been seen and heard by you. Other times you are soulful wise sage, whose years of knowing can cut to the quick of a person's situation. And then there is Ancaire who has a revolutionary spirit, whose courage won't let her back down from an unjust fight, you allow others to find their fight. And there is so much more.
I don't have your fortitude and resiliency Ancaire that allows you to overcome the lows like you do. You are a lighter spirit. More able to connect with people. You are ultimately a teller of stories. You listen, reinterpret and support people to become aware of what their own stories say about themselves. They feel heard and supported. I don't have the ability to connect like you do. I am far more clumsy and mechanical. Likely more scare of causing more pain to people already in pain.
I am rambling now. But just wanted to say that I appreciate you posting and supporting me.
