Back to square one, not sure I can do this again!

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Well, it's been a week today since I restarted the 180 and initiated no contact again with H. Not easy to restart no contact with someone when you had 12 days of thinking things were going to be okay. I have been trying to GAL, but my mind still drifts to him all the time. I have an IC appt today. Not sure how that will go. Last time he basically told me that I need to let H go, move on with my own life and forget about reconciling with H. NOT what I wanted to hear and not what I want to do. I do know that H went to Dr. I hope the Dr gave him antidepressants and that he is taking them so they can help him. I really want to reach out to him and see how he's doing, but I don't want to continue to push him away. I know that the OW has reinitiated contact with him. It's just so hard for me to understand how he can reach out to her, but gets anxiousl to the point that he seems to have panic attacks if I'm around him.

I almost think it's worse going through this a second time. When he told me that he wanted our marriage, he stopped communication with OW. We were together for almost 2 weeks before he changed his mind again. I really tried hard to be the best I could be for those 2 weeks. Now I have to live with knowing that even when I'm trying my hardest and being the best that I can be, it's not enough for him. Just another blow to my fragile ego.

Anyway, I'm really just looking for some words of wisdom or encouragement to help me stay strong so I don't go running over there to check on him. ANYTHING would be helpful! It is the unknown that is driving me nuts. I just want to know if he's working on himself, what he thinks about me, does he want to be married to me, what about OW, etc. Sigh... The questions never stop swirling in my head. If anyone is out there that can help me be strong, I'd love to hear from you!