She says she does not love me any longer loves me just not in love with me she says she feels I have been controlling her and that I was not the best father to our children put myself in front of the family with work and my hobbies. Neither of us have played away. Her emotional needs are being met by facebook I have been reading lots on this site and I should have posted sooner. I do not want to divorce or I would not have joined this site.
I do not want to make matters worse. I have done many of the wrong things begging trying to convince her to change her mind she shows me zero affection she has no love for me. We have been separated for five months and the being in limbo is killing me
I see the next stage is selling our house neither of us could afford to stay and pay for everything alone.
Oh dear, the ILYBINILWY speech. I got that one as well. In fact you can't throw a stone 10 feet in these forums without hitting 5 people that have heard that, including me. Those exact words and it usually means there is someone else in the picture. You say
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Neither of us have played away
Are you sure? Read Sandi2's threads on the WW. An EA is just as devastating as a PA, real or imagined. In my case, my ExW didn't think she was having an A because all they did was kiss her OM.
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she feels I have been controlling her and that I was not the best father to our children put myself in front of the family with work and my hobbies.
That's script mate. Remember IT'S ALWAYS THE LBS's FAULT. Believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do. You could have been the best dad/husband in the world and you still could have ended up here. Thing is there will be grains of truth in what she says but her perspective is all screwed up. Example, my ExW told me at BD that I never did anything, I never spent time with S10 blah blah blah. Just the other week in an email she expressed how we did such a good job of bringing him up. See what's going on there?
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I see the next stage is selling our house neither of us could afford to stay and pay for everything alone.
As Cadet famously says 'Sometimes doing nothing is doing something'. You don't need to put your house on the market right now. You have a bit to go before that.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
NDY beat me to it. I got the same speech. It's a script. Ok, so no need to panic. NDY has given you the basics here, but you need to read up. The stuff cadet gave you is a must read. Re-read sandi2's rules until they trip off your tongue and start to GAL. This doesn't mean hitting the town every night; it could be reading a book etc., but, the focus is on you. What do you want to look like at the end of the process? Not in a physical sense, but in a mental way.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
If you don't want a D then don't file for one. Same for separation. Let her do the dirty work if she wants. You be the one fighting for the saving the marriage. However, you should consult a soliciter to see what your rights are and how to prepare. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
In the mean time GAL away so that whatever happens you will be a better person and in a better position.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
What NDY, Cadet and Huddy are telling you is correct and listen to them. You are in emergency ward mode now and what you are feeling and she is saying are all scripted.
Your perception of logic in these moments is the complete opposite to what you need to do.
Chances are she has not started an A yet but when FB, WA and other social media come into play... it could mean she has started window shopping. Add to the cart possesiveness with the phone, change in appearance and out of habit visits or meetings then the chances are increasing. If there is also a lack of intimacy and not just sex but the small details the chances just rack up higher.
The reason to bring this up first is because we can handle a W in a crisis with unfulfilled dreams. We are not so tolerant, forgiving or cool with an A. be it EA or PA . As a result I always suggest you brace yourself. You know your W better than anyone here ... so you thought. After BD she is no longer that person. Thats is why scripted conversations are so helpful and a good guide on finding out who that person is infront of you.
if any of the above have got you curious or can relate to, your gut feeling will kick in and you will start snooping. I agree snooping is not OK but veryfying to see what you have infront of you I can go with. The more info we all have especially you the better decisions we can make and the higher the chance of success.
There is however a fine line between snooping and verifying. Just dont be obsessed with it. It will emotionally drain you.
I would suggest you back off for now. She needs space. They all do at this stage.
DO NOT go into superdad or super nanny mode. I often see this because the wife says so or they use it as part of GAL. What if you already did spend time with kids, how much more are you supposed to spend? As the other guys have said, she needs reasons to defend her behaviour. Those are the most consistently used by anyone. I do not know of a W that really dropped her H because he did not take out trash or spent only 3 hours a day with kids when he should have spent 4. With the life we live, having family time is complicated for both. Maybe if you added how much she spent with kids she would not be better off.
Anyway, I suggest you back off and really look into what she has complained about that could be true (after all we are not perfect).
Remember the other conversations that follow from BD and before, the clues are there. The BD is a script so you need to concentrate on the other conversationds and one liners or reactions to understand where you could have got it wrong. Anyhow, dont become obsessed neither and over kill on the behaviour.
One other thing, and this I find interesting. When hit with a BD and what seems a 100% commitment of the WS/WAS to get a D, why do LBS give up and want to facilitate? If they strongly believe it can work or supposedly love the S why throw in the towel so quick?. Is it because they are so noble and believe that the S should be happy even if it is without them or they do not have the strength or willpower to slug it out and repair the R? Whatever the reason, I always felt that hope was the last feeling you ever lose. The moment it isnt I think it is because the love has abandoned way before.
Anyway..
Read all the advice posted by Cadet, Sandi, etc and try to fit it in your life. Think of it as a How Not to Scr3w Up and Understand your S for dummies.
Hello I am still here and I have been reading other people's threads I have been trying to fix my marriage on my own but I realise that I do need some more advice. I have been reading online at other sites as well and I am getting confusing advice. I would like to adapt to the Divorce Busting methods and this appears to be work on myself and let go of my Wife. If I can give you a little more information about my situation and what has happened. My Wife says that over the years and she says this is many years I have neglected her I have put my work in front of her and our children, she is particularly unhappy and has been for quite some time she tells me that she has a lot of resentment because of the way that I have spoken to her and to our children and now she just does not feel any love for me any longer she sees me just as a friend she will talk to me spend some time with me we have even been out for lunch but I am starting to realise this is not bringing us closer together. So just to clarify 1) My Wife feels she has lost all loving feelings towards me and has bucket loads of resentment 2) She tells me that we should think about selling our house because it would make things clearer as to how she is feeling and that we can then both move forward and start our healing process. 3) she is not willing to go to marriage counselling does not want any outside help she is totally done with our marriage. I keep trying to talk to her and I keep trying to tell her that I am putting in much more work and effort but she tells me that she does not believe anything I say as I have let her down in the past Actions speak much louder than words. I really need some advice as to what I should do next as I really do feel that I am on borrowed time I do not want to give up on our marriage
My Wife says that over the years and she says this is many years I have neglected her I have put my work in front of her and our children, she is particularly unhappy and has been for quite some time she tells me that she has a lot of resentment because of the way that I have spoken to her and to our children and now she just does not feel any love for me any longer she sees me just as a friend she will talk to me spend some time with me we have even been out for lunch but I am starting to realise this is not bringing us closer together.
Her unhappiness is not YOUR fault! She will still be unhappy after she divorces YOU.
You need to LET GO and let her see if she realizes this fact on her own.
Be the BEST DAD that you can be. That is VERY attractive.
Listen to Cadet here. He is right. Her unhappiness isn't your doing. Not by the story you've told us here anyway. But one thing, and this is related to my current sitch. Friends? Seriously? She sees you as friends? Do friends really treat each other like this? Mine don't, that's for sure.
My ExW is trying desperately to friend zone me right now. It's not going to work. Don't get me wrong. I'm not being a jerk, but I'd rather be fired as a husband than demoted to a friend.
Her story as you've told it doesn't pass the smell test mate. Seriously, have you noticed any other out of the ordinary behaviour? New hair cut? New underwear? Slimming? Hitting the gym? Staying out later? Anything like that? I really hope there is no OM involved but I could change your sig to mine and it would be just about right. Sorry man but that what I see here.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Listen to Cadet here. He is right. Her unhappiness isn't your doing. Not by the story you've told us here anyway. But one thing, and this is related to my current sitch. Friends? Seriously? She sees you as friends? Do friends really treat each other like this? Mine don't, that's for sure.
My ExW is trying desperately to friend zone me right now. It's not going to work. Don't get me wrong. I'm not being a jerk, but I'd rather be fired as a husband than demoted to a friend.
Her story as you've told it doesn't pass the smell test mate. Seriously, have you noticed any other out of the ordinary behaviour? New hair cut? New underwear? Slimming? Hitting the gym? Staying out later? Anything like that? I really hope there is no OM involved but I could change your sig to mine and it would be just about right. Sorry man but that what I see here.
I have seen nothing to suggest that she is seeing anyone else she is spending a lot of time on face book so might be on the way to or having an EA one of her friends has left her husband and she spends quite a lot of time in her company so I am sure she is not involved with someone else.
My wife tells me the following reasons for wanting out of the marriage I did not spend enough quality time with her and our children I did not treat her well the way I spoke to her and to our children I did not see it but if she feels this then it must be so She feels that over the years and I am talking many many years I have been controlling she stopped going out with her friends because I was jealous when she talked to other men I took her for granted and she felt neglected She says I'm did not do my share of the house work or treat her as an equal she felt that I always saw myself as superior She is rewriting history when I talk to her everything that I say she gives another point of view a negative one it seems she was totally unhappy We have three beautiful children and I love them all dearly She is moving on with her life she wants nothing to do with me I need to find a way to start moving on I still love my wife how do I put her to the back of my mind and let her go how do I loose my feelings for her. She seems so normal about what has happened she does not seem bothered by this in the slightest she never bring up conversations and does not want to work on repairing our marriage
Concept - you are telling us a lot about W and how she feels and her complaints.
If there is no OM then things are slightly less complicated. She is a WAW like mine.
What 180s are you doing. What GAL activities? What complaints have you addressed?
Ps don't negate her feelings even when she rewrites history. Validate and Listen. Read the validation thread.
If you are 'guilty' of controlling her, then learn not to. Let her go out detach from her emotionally. This in itself is a 180.
Also you don't have to lose your feelings for her. Death from het and let her go and try to live her from a distance. Your actions will speak louder than all the words you can muster.
Read the 37 rules every evening and morning and try to abide by them.
Lastly don't believe what she is saying. Her resentment has built up over many years and the spew could continue for many months but your Consistent 180s and changes will be noticed by her.
Focus on yourself and the kids.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
